Coming out at church -- any how-to's?

[Alyssa M.]

I go to a church that has a pretty diverse mix of conservatives and liberals -- some who border on Southern Baptist evangelical types, and some who seem to be wayward Unitarians. About 100 people show up to Sunday morning services in an average week. We had a nasty conflict over the issue of homosexuality some years ago, pretty much as bad as you can imagine a conflict within a parish getting, and we have since gotten a new rector, who is conservative, but really wants people to just get over the whole issue and talk about things that matter and don't hurt people. I spoke to her a while ago, and she was supportive of me transitioning, but unsure how to handle it. She said she'd talk with some people at churches and lgbt ministries around the country to figure out how we can proceed. One idea she definitely didn't like was for me to get up at the front of the church and give an announcement during the announcement time. She said she didn't want anyone (i.e., me), to be made a spectacle of. Since then, I've come out to a bunch of other people at the church, but I still have to present as a guy for the time being on Sunday mornings. Which sucks. I will speak with the rector again sometime in the next week.

So the question is, how do I come out to a large, politically- and age-diverse group of people, some of whom are close friends and others of whom I barely know at all?

Any stories of how to do it without a big Sunday morning announcement?

Thanks,

~Alyssa

[CharleneT]

I agree, no big surprise announcement.  I would consider starting with private talks with people that you know well and are very likely to be supportive.  Then move on to others a little farther out from your circle.  The idea here is so that when it does come out - however it might - that you will have a group of supporters who are not surprised.  It will be easier for them to help others to understand if they are not just hearing it for the first time.  It could  be that after you have a group of aware and sympathetic folks, a public statement from you is a good idea.  I do not go to a church, so I do not have any personal experiences to tell you about.

[Sandy]

My coming out at church was kind of a non-event.

Though by that time I had gone F/T.  And everyone accepted me a female.  There were about half the congregation who knew me before but said nothing out of respect.  Even the rector didn't know until she was informed.

The rector and I talked at length since she was ignorant of the condition, but most supportive.  She did say that there were people in the congregation who would not accept me.  I said that was alright.  I wasn't there to change people's minds.  I was there for worship and fellowship as everyone else was.

We have a couple of openly gay partners and everyone is accepting of them.  And my partner Pat and I go together and we are accepted as lesbians without any problems.

I know, of course, that my "secret" will come out over time.  I never expected anything else.  In fact I outed myself to one couple who asked why my granddaughter had so many grandmothers at her Christening.    I explained that when my daughter was born I was her father.  She took a couple of seconds to digest it then apologized for prying.  I said I wasn't offended and nothing more was said, though I'm sure she has told others in the congregation.

You might consider that path for yourself, Alyssa.  Just start showing up dressed appropriately for church and if anyone asks, simply tell them.  If anyone says anything harsh simply tell them that you are there for the same reason they are there, to praise God and share in her bounty.

After all, God already sees the real you.  You are simply showing the real you to the world!

-Sandy

[Ms Jessica]

I did a big announcement, but it actually worked pretty well. 
It definitely felt like a spectacle to me, but honestly, the number of people you're talking about, there aren't too many ways to do it otherwise.  If your church was bigger, you probably wouldn't have to say anything; smaller, and you could tell people one on one.  The nice thing about an announcement is that you say your peace once.  People can ask questions afterwards. 

If you're interested, PM me and I can email a copy of the text to you. 

At the very least, let us know how you decide to handle it.  I'm interested to see how things go. 

I never told people that I was changing my name, only ended up telling a few people in the congregation.  The next week, I showed up to church in a skirt.  Haven't looked back. 

[Walter]

I tried coming out to the church I sometimes attend. Of course they weren't accepting of it but they didn't kick me out or anything. Now the church has brand new people and I haven't came out to any of them yet. I'm still wondering if I should or not. It'll probably just cause a big awkward moment so...I don't know

[K8]

Well, since you ask.

I am Unitarian-Universalist, so I didn't have quite as high a step to make as some do.  I was very methodical about coming out to my church.

First, I talked to my minister.  She was very supportive.  Then I came out to a number of friends in the church, one at a time.  They were all accepting; some were very supportive. 

Next, I wrote a little speech and practiced it a gazillion times so that I could just do it on automatic, because I knew I would be nervous.

There is a place in the service when we can go up and light a candle of joy or concern – our son got admitted to grad school or our father is in the hospital, that sort of thing.

I told the minister that I was going to do it the next Sunday if I didn't lose my nerve.  She asked if I wanted her to light the candle for me, since I'd be nervous.  I told her I'd signal her if I needed help.

I also told my friends, so they would be there to support me.  I asked a couple of them to sit in the back and signal me if I wasn't speaking loud enough, because I wanted everyone to hear the first time.  Several friends asked if I wanted them to go up to stand with me.  I considered it but thought it was something I needed to do on my own.

I came out on Easter Sunday.  I liked the symbolism.  I went up, lit a candle, faced the congregation, and spoke:

"I wanted to light a candle today
In joy for this fellowship
And all of you,
Who have provided a sanctuary here,
Where I finally feel safe enough to pursue a lifelong dream. 

"In this season of rebirth,
I have begun to be reborn
As a woman,
Which is what I've always wanted to be.

"I don't know if I will be successful,
But already, early in my journey,
I have received more understanding and encouragement here
Than I ever thought possible.

"And that gives me great hope.

"And I thank you for that."

I sat down.  My friend I'd asked to sit with me squeezed my hand.  The woman on the other side of me, who hadn't known ahead of time, squeezed my other hand.

After the service, lots of people came to me and wished me well.  Others kind of avoided me, or so it seemed, perhaps taking a little longer to come to terms with the announcement.

Overall, it went very well.  I think the keys were the support of the minister and friends, and being completely prepared.  I didn't go to church dressed in women's clothes for another few weeks, and when I did I dressed very much as any other woman my age would wear to my church.

This worked for me.  Your results may vary.

- Kate

[CharleneT]

Kate -- that is such a cool way and great story !!

Charlene

[Nigella]

I agree in not making a spectacle of yourself and it could go one way or the other. To be honest I have not, at least where I worship now. At the beginning of my transition and living in an other area I just told the minister who was very supportive and kind. Where I am living now I just attend as I am and no questions asked, just accepted as a woman. I figure that since my transition is part of my medical condition that I was born with why should people I meet now know of my past. I know some would disagree with that but they are are entitled to their own opinion. In other words I don't tell anyone these days.

I think it really is up to you and there is no formula to go by as each church is an organic fellowship of human beings hopefully all saved by grace. As such reactions depend on each individuals opinion on LGBT issues and the grace of God that they have experienced. If you feel you should do it, then just take the advice of the minister and of course pray about it. God will make your path straight.

Stardust