Sometimes it hurts

[Elizabeth]

Hey everyone,

Sometimes I want to be a girl so bad it hurts.  I hate seeing girls because I am so jealous of them.  All I can think about is how much I want to be a girl. Not all the time, but sometimes it's overwhelming.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Buffy]

Hey everyone,

Sometimes I want to be a girl so bad it hurts.  I hate seeing girls because I am so jealous of them.  All I can think about is how much I want to be a girl. Not all the time, but sometimes it's overwhelming.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, Jealousy was a big issue for me, especially involving my ex wife. When she gave birth to our first son, I actually felt jealous of her and that I had been cheated out of that experience.

I tried for many years to control my GID and deny that fact.... one pretty girl, one nice dress or a handbag and the jealousy I felt, sparked off the whole cycle of depression, anguish and pain.

I no longer feel jealous, just a slight envy of some of the wonderful women, that I now associate and work with.

Becky

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey everyone,

Sometimes I want to be a girl so bad it hurts.  I hate seeing girls because I am so jealous of them.  All I can think about is how much I want to be a girl. Not all the time, but sometimes it's overwhelming.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I know that this is not what you are talking about so this probably doesn't help much but I think that we all have envied or been jealous of GG at one time or another.  I think it's natural to be that way, but instead of "hating" them why not admire them.  We all have issues with our own bodies that we wish we could change - weight, looks, height, you get the idea.  But if in our admiration of other girls we look at what they are doing to gain our admiration how they are doing it, we can try and do like wise.  Granted we may not be as successful as them but at least we are doing something positive.  Being consumed by negative emotions can be harmful to some so by accentuating the positive and not the negative may be it won't be so overwhelming !

Steph

[Kim]

I agree with Steph. I'm sure we all felt the same,, whether we recognized it or not. Being IS I feel an overwhelming desire to conceive but we have enough children now, probably just a girl thing. Everything you feel Elizabeth is normal, even for a gg I'm sure. I mean how many of us have heard a woman say I wish I looked like her when they see someone like one of Barker's beauties for example?? As TG persons we feel this maybe for a different reason but it's still there   

[Melissa]

Elizabeth, I know exactly what you mean.  It used to be way worse for me at the beginning of transition, but now it's manageable.  However, there are times when I feel it so strongly that it does become overwhelming.  For the most part, I don't hate other women for being women (although I used to), but more unhappiness with myself that I can not look more like them.

Melissa

[nonie]

I feel like that sometimes too, just towards guys instead of girls.  I hate seeing shy and insecure guys, I want to yell out "What are you doing!"  I feel like even the poorest, ugliest, shyest, awkwardest guy has an advantage over me - he's a guy.  So why not live it up and be a happy guy?  *sigh* And when I see a really gorgeous guy, oh man...  I want to be the one in that body, wearing those clothes, having that sexy manly face.

[SusanKay140]

Elizabeth,

Good timing - I have being going to raise this point myself, wondering if most of us felt that way toward GG/GWs.  I almost always feel the envy and jealousy toward them (but Step, I don't believe it is hate, at least toward them.  Perhaps toward the circumstances, which, of course, are MY circumstances, not theirs.)  I sometimes want to kick something when I see a nice example of femininity out and about. 

Reading that, I guess it's probably objectification of females.  If so, guilty as self-charged.  But I think Melissa stated it nicely in another posting, about how well into her transition, she still feels like a person, not necessarily a female first (or words to that effect - find her words, she always puts them very well.)

But that doesn't change the fact that seeing most females raises those feelings of envy.  They naturally have what I deeply wish I'd been given.  Jealousy and envy - yes.  Pain and self loathing - yes.  But hate - no.

But speaking of hate, time to go to ... yuk ... work.  Out to more exposure of persons to be envious of.


Susan K

[Melissa]

Thank you for the compliment Susan.   Here's my words that you're referring to:

First of all, I'm a person.  Second a woman.  And third, if directly asked, I'm of the transsexual variety.

Melissa

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

I just want to clarify something.  I do not hate women.  Sometimes my envy makes me hate being in contact with women, because I stare which is rude and I just don't like having those negative feelings.  Most of the time I love seeing women and my envy is limited thier clothing or accessories, but more in an admiring kind of way. It's the other times that hurt.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Melissa]

Like I said, I know exactly how you feel as I used to feel that way--just as you described.  Since I can now wear the clothing/accessories, I don't feel envy there anymore; I just wear them.  It's the body--caused by the lack of completeness of mine--that I envy now.

Melissa

[sheila18]

elizabeth:

yeah i identify with it 
yeah the thoughts come and raise feelings like a drive by shooting,  no matter how spiritually advanced a person is once you have experienced certaing thoughts and feelings they are bound to show up again.  The Dalai Lama explains it well in his books as to why  this phenomena occurs.


4 me the one that crouches behind the bushes and gets me is the chick with the big curly hair and cute butt and walk totally getto and then she disses the boys that want her attention in a nice way,  i feel like saying you ungratefull byatch you are a waste of femenine art blah blah  my heads goes on...yep psychoanalysis is a waste of time, it happens ... i just let it go  ...because i see my girl girl friends have the same problem, different trigger but is funny to hear them go off    i used to excuse my annoyance with some clever righteous crap like oh she is a bad worker or she is so selfish  arghh...when the truth was  if i had those looks they would not be so clumsilly wasted   
still crazy after all these years, ohh still crazy ...2 in the morning what to do...
sheila18
sheila18

[veronica06]

yes. it does hurt sometimes. hurts so bad your belly just curls up in a ball and eats at you.
it is something I myself have so much trouble dealing with.
it is part of my anger issues. I walk around the mall...drive down the street, turn on the tv...everywhere I turn. reminders of what I want so badly in life and the bio girls just take it for granted. sometimes I have heard them complain about womanhood. oh how I ache to go to them and cry on their shouldwer. to tell them how bad I hurt to be just like them.

yes elizabeth.  it hurts. hurts where pain killers and booze won't kill it.

but for some stupid idiotic lame brain idea......I plod along. 
I don't know why. I have often thought of just giving up. end it all. why torture myself like this.
no sane person would.  why do I do it.

take care

[Kim]

Umm,one thing I forgot to mention is this. Remeber, though you have a male body 'you are woman'. How you live as the woman you are is up to you to choose. I know you wish you were entirely woman but your mind is the controller. Let yourself feel and believe what you already know is real and true and you will realize the woman you are. Don't focus on that weird costume someone threw on you at birth, just who you really are. 

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

Most of the time I can use my intellect to understand where I am.  I live full time as a girl and have for over two years.  I feel great most of the time.  I love being a girl.  I love getting to wear what I want, using the women's restroom, having men hold doors for me, but mostly the sense of well being I feel.  I don't have to pretend to be a boy anymore.

I do my best to avoid the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" kind of thinking.  I know that I can not go back in time and become a girl.  I have to take what I have and do the best  I can with it.  It's just that sometimes I really get jealous of girls.  Especially girls that clearly love being girls.   I can't help wonder what my life "woulda, shoulda, coulda" been.   I will never know.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[BrandiOK]

  I know exactly what you are saying Elizabeth and I too do the same "woulda, shoulda, coulda" avoidance thing.  It's tough knowing that you are but you aren't a girl (I know I'm gonna catch some heck for that one but it's true).  I wasn't born a girl, I never got to experience all the things girls get to experience growing up and I'll never have any of that no matter how much medical science advances.  It's a difficult thing to deal with sometimes.  I don't know if these same feelings are commonplace in the TS community but I know I feel them. 

  To this day I can still smell the wonderful smell of the little tins of lip gloss my sisters would get in thier stockings at Christmas.  It was sooooooo difficult to sit there and see that every year.  Such a strange little memory to have I suppose but those moments were so powerful that I will probably never forget them. 

  All we can do is understand that we can't change what is behind but we can change what is in front of us.  Just continue concentrating on making a future that you never look back on with the same regret. 

[Nero]

hmmm
i recall being envious/hating a boy once.
it was second grade and i was in love with a darkhaired, dark eyed girl who actually was my friend which she was probably the only female friend ive ever had
things were great
until he came along
he looked just like me
the same coloring everything
he was the male version of me
he stole my girl
he was so much like me, i believe had i been a boy, she wouldve been mine
but he was a boy and i wasnt
so she chose him

that is the one and only time ive been envious of a boy or man
okay that's not true - i admit to being envious of Napoleon Bonaparte, but only him

i'm not envious of another man's looks, strength, genitals - why should i be?
i suppose i could be jealous of their lack of breasts, but that is it
i am much more likely to see a man and be attracted rather than envious
if he has a nice penis? good, i want it in me not on me
the only exception is when i see or someone points out a man who resembles me - i am not attracted at this but rather appreciative
I think "he is handsome", but only because he looks like me!

[Maggie]

I feel a LOT like that, too.  I'll see girls at class or something that are pretty, and I'll think "I wish I could look like them."  It gets to the point sometimes that I can't even watch some shows because they have girls in bikinis or things of that nature.  As stupid as they are, seeing those lame girls gone wild commercials that come on late at night are almost physically painful sometimes.  Not that I want to be LIKE them, just look like some of them.

[LynnER]

At my worst depressed state, I cant even watch TV with out crying due to the..... envy Id feel.  day to day though its more than bearable

[HelenW]

I get envious too, sometimes, of some particularly pretty girl, the ones that make me catch my breath.

Then I remember that envy is a self-inflicted wound.

[Ricki]

I'm not sure how i feel about this now, younger years i had a lot of jealousy, pent up emotion, rage, anger, etc..
Now I am entering the reality part of things and that's even more frightening for me.. But.. I do have conceived thoughts for myself.
I have seen and read some posts where other people mirrored my thoughts but not real often. 
I belive for ME in reality that there is nothing , NOTHING that can be done (on this earth or lifetime) to successfully change what i was supposed to be!  Having said that i find happiness in seeing others pursue changes and that they are finding happiness.  so my thinking is more of a conceptual thing.  For me to be the woman or female i am And was supposed to be all along then it should of all happened naturally and through birth and God's hand!  Well we all pretty much know what happens in gender births, so here i am! 
My desire is just to be right 100% the way it should of worked whether that would of been 100% male in and out or 100% female in and out!  not 50-50..... Blah!
Agghhhhh ---------------   Sigh!
Anyway I'm really good at whinning and moaning about things! hehe!
When I get to the next life my wishes are simple, peace, quiet, eternal rest in a conceived state that is pure not mixed like it is now!
sorry i know this has a depressive edge to it that's me As hard as i try i find good in most things but still uncover more bad!  I'm a work in progress!
I still like the compartmentalized word now that i keep thinking about it! *__*
R



Posted on: September 29, 2006, 07:56:40 AMOooops!  I meant to add ya i get jealous, I've never really been jealous looking at men, as my desire is to be a woman so yep!  some days its just awful to watch women walking around and not just the "playboy" type all women!  I have said to people over the years when they (man or woman) complained about their height or weight or a pimple or hair or whatever that people truly miss so much when they do not even realize what they have (being born whole) in comparison to a transgendered person who has no stronghold either way. 
BYE