You have no idea how elated I am to have, finally, found y'all!
Let me just say, that I can't believe I am actually going to write this (fear, trepidation, relief, excitement).
I have been sitting here reading through most of the posts on this site since finding it a few days ago. I have read so many stories from so many of you that resonate so strongly with my experiences, my situation, my predicament. Thank you for showing me that I'm not, quite, as big a freak as I had so long feared.
I am a 47 year old GM who has, like so many, felt a bit wrong in my body, but never really knew or understood why... until now. I had grown up in Massachusetts, in one of the most liberal and open minded cities in the US, but my family was rather strict and closed minded. As a boy I had few friends, a couple of very close male friends and several girl friends. The neighborhood I grew up in was mostly professional singles, students, professors, etc and few kids. I was never interested, or proficient, in sports. I was more interested in artistic, mental/intellectual activities and riding my bike. I have always been very introverted, never really felt understood, a little more than odd. I still am and have almost always been a loner. Basically, my childhood was largely unmemorable.
The first time I remember being drawn to women's clothing, I was maybe twelve, I had seen some of my mother's panties in the laundry and picked them up. I remember thinking that they were so much softer and nicer than any of my underpants. I started paying more attention to the laundry basket after that. Finally one day my mother was out of the apartment and I decided (felt compelled) to try on her panties (I was about the same size) - I was hooked! I was caught! My mother had come home, with my brother, and saw me wearing these women's panties (and nothing else). Needless to say, she was upset. She had questioned me as to why I was wearing them.
I didn't know. She asked how often I had worn them.
First time. She asked if I was gay. I really didn't understand the concept. At that time of my life I had never known anyone who was gay. I only knew that it meant two men having sex. I knew that wasn't me. I was twelve and wasn't sexually interested in anyone. I was just compelled to wear womens' clothes. She told me to never do it again and threatened to send me away if I did.
I am embarrassed to admit, but I still live with my mother - or rather she lives with me. I'm single, always have been. More on that coming up. (Sorry to drone on so long, but I have a lot to get off my chest.
I have tried ever since to get those thoughts out of my head, I knew it was 'wrong', but I really, really wanted to dress like a girl, I really, really wanted to BE a girl. I have always felt more at home in girls clothes, I felt more... I wasn't sure why, but try as I might, I couldn't shake the need. For years I would sneek her clothes and wear them around the house, wear them to bed - I never wore them outside (except the occasional panties, pantyhose, bra - well hidden under layers of winter clothes).
As I got older the urges never waned, they actually strengthened. I got a P.O. Box and would order my own clothes and have them shipped there. Through the years I had seen the occasional cross-dresser, met a fair number of gays and lesbians and like so many people, out of ignorance, I believed that being a CD was the same thing as being gay and I KNEW that I was not gay. I didn't like men, I never felt comfortable around men, I was never attracted to any aspect of men, there was no way I could be gay. So there had to be a different reason for me to want to dress like a woman, for me to want to be a woman. On several occasions I had gotten so distraught over these conflicting feelings that I would throw everything away and swear that I would never dress up again, I would be 'normal'. I'm sure many of you know how that ended.
I have lived - externally - as a regular, apparently well adjusted man all these years - never letting anyone on to the struggle in my head, in my body. It is like having two versions of myself living in this mold. There is the dominant male that rules the roost in public, striving to be, or at least appear, a normal hetero man. Then there is the, sometimes, sub-dominant (I can't refer to her as submissive) female side that yearns for her turn to run the show. I'm only just coming to terms with this now. Now that I understand things better, now that I know that I'm not this way because I'm gay (okay maybe I'm lesbian, I don't know). I now know that there are many more layers to sexuality. I'm not yet happy, but at least I am a bit more hopeful that there may be a chance to let her take over for the second half.
I think as a result of my uncertainty and my confusion, because he and she are close in strength and drag me in different directions, has worked hard at keeping me from having relationships. I can very easily make friends with women, they love me, feel very comfortable with me, etc. But when it comes to asking them out, they get kind of wierded out and want nothing to do with me any longer. I have had more than a few, okay more than a half dozen, women friends that I have been deeply infatuated with and have asked them out, they have told me they just want to be friends, nothing more and then within a week they have packed their bags and belongings and, without notifying any of our mutual friends, have moved away with no forwarding addresses. I think the furthest any (that I had heard of) of them had moved was to the opposite corner of the US (2500 miles away). I have no idea why, maybe they knew something about me that I didn't and never told me. To date, my scorecard, if I had one, for the number of women/girls that I have asked out who have said yes is ZERO (0). I did, however date one girl - she asked me out. We were together for about 3 weeks, everything was great! I was happier than I had ever been. I had just turned 40 and she was 18, she wasn't bothered by the age difference and I really wasn't either. Then all of a sudden one morning when we were laying in bed, she asked me if I was gay. I said no. She asked to think about it, I did for a few seconds. The conclusion was still no, I loved her, I loved being with her, I loved that she was a woman and not a man. That wasn't good enough for her, she broke it off and never spoke to me again.
I have gotten to the point where I look at a beautiful woman and 'he' says hmmm, I'd like to –––– her, then 'she' chimes in and replies, nice boobs, beautiful hair, great ––––––– I wish I could look like that, I wish I could BE her, I love the outfit/shoes/top/accessories/etc. 'She' wins out in those situations. There is no way 'he' can compete, at this pace I will never have a relationship. More and more every day, I want to be a woman. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I want to start off with herbals to get things rolling and I ultimately want (today, damn it) to transition fully. From some of the pics I have seen of the beautiful women on here, I have a new hope that 'she' has a chance of taking the lead.
Boy, have I rambled or what? Anyone still awake?
The one thing that scares the begeezes out of me at this point is the thought of coming out to my mother. It would devastate her. I don't think friends will freak out (most anyway). As a graphic designer I have a lot of creative/artistic friends who are GLB straight or just open minded. I don't know anyone, never have, who is TG MtF or FtM. I would greatly welcome any advice, support, encouragement, telling me to shut up and stop typing
Looking forward to some new, great, friends. (and sorry again for talking too much)
D
(I'll shut up now)
