I'm going off to college in two weeks... I came out to my parents today... HELP!

[graceunderpressure]

So I've been pretty sure that I'm transgendered for a while now, but these couple of weeks it has come out inside of me a little more than usual.  I was on vacation to New Orleans and visited the Mardi Gras warehouses where they keep all the floats and stuff, and they had a little video on how people will dress up as whoever they want for the entirety of the festivities (what, 12 days or so?).  Needless to say, this made the girl inside me go a bit crazy, and, well, I just had to tell someone.

So, I finally settled on telling one of my female friends who is quite open-minded (and quite good at make-up :p) and she was much more supportive than I could of dreamed, and she even said that she would help do my makeup sometime!  

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to talk to her since then, which made me visibly depressed, because I was on a sort of high from being so open with her.  My dad noticed my distriss and pressed to know what was wrong.  I told him he wouldn't understand so he brought me my mother.  After many tears, I finally got it out to my mom what it was that was bothering me (I should've been born a girl)- and she was very supportive, though she didn't quite understand.

Now, I was afraid of what my dad might say (let's just say he voted for a third term of Bush), but, while he said he didn't understand it, he was very supportive.  I guess I'm lucky to have such loving parents!

Still, though, they don't seem to quite understand me- they're trying to get me to go to a psychatrist, and I've always heard stories of them diagnosing TG as a mental illness, so that's not something I'm particularly interested in.  Luckily, I got it across to my mom that I wanted to dress, and she said we would see what we could do tomorrow (fingers crossed!). 

Anyways, on to the real problem- and one of the other causes for the spout of depression that prompted this interrogation from my parents- I'll be going off to college in two weeks- meaning sharing a room with a guy, which I would really not like to do, being away from the only people that understand me adn, most of all, having to continue on with this lie indefinitely.  I'm sure there is someone on here that has been through college and would like to give me a couple of tips.

Thanks!

[findingreason]

Hi! First off, welcome to Susan's! You came to the right place, feel free to talk about any concerns, successes, problems, etc here ! There's a lot of knowledge on this site

I'm very glad to hear that your parents are accepting of you, and while confused, are willing to work with you. If you can point them in the direction of some educational material in TG issues to help them understand better, you may be able to help them in this regard. Just take your time, and you're parents and you should come along fine it sounds .

I so understand where you are coming from with the roommate issue. Is there anyway you can get your assignment changed to a single dorm? I went single myself, and while it was expensive I will count it a lot more beneficial when I go this fall. If by chance you still can't change it, remember that if your roommate gives you to much grief about these things, you can switch to be with another roommate.

[graceunderpressure]

Thank you for the reply! 

My mother has already ordered a couple of books it seems, so we should be all set in that respect.

As for the roomate, I certainly wasn't planning on telling him!  Basically, what my parents decided is that I should ride it out for this year and find something better for me next year.  Apparently my college does have accomadations for TGs, but it's a bit too late to change that now, as I've already gotten my housing and roomate assignment. 

Basically, I guess I just need tips for dealing with living with a male for a year. 

[findingreason]

No problem!

Glad to hear your parents are being this wonderful for you

As for the roomate, I certainly wasn't planning on telling him!  Basically, what my parents decided is that I should ride it out for this year and find something better for me next year.  Apparently my college does have accomadations for TGs, but it's a bit too late to change that now, as I've already gotten my housing and roomate assignment.

Basically, I guess I just need tips for dealing with living with a male for a year.

Hmm, while you may be stuck with a guy for the fall semester, since spring semester isn't until January, maybe you can talk to the office for residence halls about an arrangement by then?

As I've never lived with a guy before as a roommate, I'm not sure what advice I can give....but perhaps you can socialize and join groups to find people to keep busy with that you're comfortable with? There's counseling on campus too that you can access, if you haven't got a therapist by then, to discuss all of these issues with too. GLBT groups could be helpful as well in finding people that can associate with the worries your having, so you can scope further beyond just the internet alone.

Hope this helps

[kristylove]

mmm not so difficult i guess. first if you college does have TG rooms then i would tlak to them even at this late date. if you dont ask they dont know.

if you have to live with a male then maybe you should be careful what you say to him. maybe he will get ideas in those areas we dont want him to. you could try to tough it out and be sort of boyish. you could just tell him and see what happens. maybe he will help you get TG rooms.

i have found that usually the best thing to do is be honest. being honest allows you to be you and live your life the way you want to.

einstein had it best for every action there is a reaction.

you have a choice hide or be free.

[graceunderpressure]

Hope this helps

Yes, you're being very helpful, thank you!

Maybe I'll get lucky and my roomie won't be the big, dumb frat-boy I'm invisioning!   

Hiding myself shouldn't be too challenging really, seeing as I've done it for 18 years now... just never in close quarters I guess.  I guess I'll just have to play it by ear... I may just be getting a little too ahead of myself!

[kristylove]

take a deep breath and let it out slowly relax yourself.

you are a very young person. so that being said i suspect maybe you want to like get on with being just yourself. now imagine at 58 what i feel. i have already had one heart attack and should not be here at all. i was literally dead twice that day. i know the feeling of being in a rush. my age and health force me to rush madly into my transition. and i do so with no fear because of my age. like what can they do to me. nothing. you have so many years ahead of you in a world that is starting to wake up to the 'third gender' you are so lucky to be living in your 'age'. so unless this becomes imperative maybe take the time to smell the coffee. research all you want find the right way for you to transgender and make it so.


good luck to you on your future my dear young friend.

[Deanna_Renee]

Welcome to Susan's Graceunderpressure. I'm happy to hear that you had an easy time of coming out to your parents. I have yet to come out to anyone and scared about the day I have to sit down and break the news to my mom (whom I still share an apartment with).

I would be interested in knowing what books your mom bought on the subject - or if anyone else knows of a good book to share with family to help explain what all its all about. I'm sure I couldn't do an adequate job of explaining the fine points.

Unfortunately I can't offer any experiential pointers on the dorm situation. I don't blame you for your anxiety. I just graduated from college a little more than a year ago and found that most of the students and faculty were very open and accepting of a wide variety of lifestyles. Mind you I was not out in any way - not even to myself - so I don't have any personal experience with trans acceptance. Of course I did go to an art college. I would imagine that whatever college you are headed to, there should likely be a GBLT group that would have resources for you. And as kristylove said, honesty should get you a long way towards a more comfortable situation. That said, caution is a good thing as well. You should be able to gauge the receptability of your new roomate as to how to approach your situation.

Just remember you have friends here to give you guidance.

Deanna

[graceunderpressure]

I really appreciate all this help!

And yes, I realized I'm probably going at this a little agressively, but I just don't want to end up 35 years old and wish I had spent my younger years as myself.   

And, yes, I'll certainly check out the LGBT group at my school, but I always get the feeling that those are more geared towards the LGB and less the T, but I may be wrong.

In any event, I'm glad to have a place like this to discuss my problems.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Grace,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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If they are willing to pay for a therapist, then request a gender therapist.  It will also help to have the therapist also be someone that will be willing to have family sessions.  That way they have a way to understand.

As for your potential roommate, find out or let it be know to your advisor, that you are requesting a roommate that is GLBT friendly.  That might mean that he will be gay or bi.  And I would recommend that you let your advisor know of your situation.  You might not be ready to come out, but just cover your living arrangement, so that you can be at peace.  College is a great place to come out because most are very open to the GLBT community.

Merry Met and Blessed Be.
Janet

[Cindy]

Hi Grace

WoW you have awesome parents

I'm in Australia and the college system is different to the USA. Here you to University from high school. I teach at a Uni. The students are very accepting of sexual preferences. Probably more so than racial preferences .

I agree with all the others try and talk to supervisors, generally they are very used to such questions. Going to college or Uni is often the trigger for young people to accept their sexuality, and staff are, or should be, aware of this. Believe it or not but here staff have to take courses in how to handle such things as sexual, religous, racial harmony (or dis).  I'm not sure about the USA but being insensitive to such problems means losing your job pretty damn fast.

And ahhh 18, the family accept.

Honey good luck to you.
I hope you have a wonderful life


Cindy, who isn't 18

[Renate]

As far as books go, this, despite nit-picking is generally considered the best intro to TS for family:

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism: For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals (1996) - Mildred L. Brown * Amazon * WorldCat

[Diane Elizabeth]

Hello Grace,  I just went back to college (I am over 50)  and been going in androgeneously.  I am not "out" to anyone other than my SO.  But I am working up my nerve by going in drab and enfem and mix sometimes.  I don't know if that works for you but it is helping me set up myself for any future moves as well as bolstering my mindset.  Dylen

PS: Truselves is a fantastic book.  But read anything they can on it.  Peggy Rudd has a few books out that are good.

[Audrey]

#1 Dont be afraid.  Fear is your worst enemy in this case.  Be proud of who you are, if  you can accomplish that then transition will be alot smoother.  Its hard to go against the grain of society and family expectations, but hang in there.