Confused about having (gay) sex

[Hector]

Hi guys!
I'm in a very confused period about my gender identity. I came out as a FtM about one year ago, but I'm always been very unsure about who really I am. I'm sure that I have disphoria, even if sometimes it's not very strong, but every time I see my boobs I feel bad, I want a penis, I feel unconfortable when I take a shower, sometimes I feel very unconfortable when I go to the beach with my female swimsuit (but sometimes I have to), and so on. I'm not out to all the people (also, my family still doesn't know, and I live with them) and I feel very umiliated when people call me with feminine pronouns.

This period I have a relation with a guy. We are friend, sometimes we have sex. When I'm the top it's all ok (even if it's a bit frustrating for me, because I can feel nothing about, you know, my strap on). When he touches me, well, disphoria comes back, I feel very unconfortable and have to stop. It's all really frustrating.
Last evening we got drunk, started to have sex and we finished to have sex like, well, any straight couple. I wasn't virgin, and I sort of liked it.
Now, I'm asking myself if I'm still a guy, even if I enjoy vaginal sex. It's also the only way in which I can have some pleasure, but I'm very confused. I still want T, I want my dicklet to grow, and I'd like a real working phallus ( ), but what appened makes me very confused. 

Anyone with similar experiences? Someone who enjoys (or enjoyed) sex in the first hole but wants to transition and perceive anyway himself as a guy?

I'm sort of embarrassed to ask this thing, but I'm a bit confused. 

[Nero]

Anyone with similar experiences? Someone who enjoys (or enjoyed) sex in the first hole but wants to transition and perceive anyway himself as a guy?

Yes. It's what I have and it's good. I don't think enjoying vaginal sex says anything about my identity other than that I make the best of what I've got.

[JonasCarminis]

well... if enjoying vaginal sex makes you a girl, then slap my ass and call me sally.

its really just about what youre comfortable with.  it doesnt make you a girl if you use what you have.

[sneakersjay]

I not only had vaginal sex, I had 2 kids. So what does that make me?

Look at Buck Angel.  If you have it, use it, and don't be ashamed if you like it.  Why not?

We'll never have the parts we desperately want (ie normal sized functional penis with functional testicles), so if you have no dysphoria about using what you have, don't sweat it.

At this point in my life I'd prefer not to have bonus hole sex, but I wouldn't rule it out with the right guy at the right time.


Jay

[Miniar]

Enjoying what you got doesn't make you a girl.
The body is just geared toward giving you pleasure in a specific way.
The female genitalia is so geared towards it that women can orgasm even against their will.
It's not a reflection on you, or anyone, as a person, but simply a biological function.
I enjoy vaginal sex, and even knowing my facts, do feel confusion and guilt over it afterwards, along with intense fear that post-op I'll be unable to keep my partner satisfied. But it doesn't change that when I wake up in the morning, I know I'm a bloke.

[Radar]

When I first started having vaginal sex I didn't care for it, but I did it because how else was I supposed to have sex? So I thought anyway. I've never been a back door person ever- it's just disgusting and unattractive to me. No offence to those who like it, it's just not my thing.

Over time I got more used to it and found ways to enjoy it. Even still, it never seemed quite right. Sex was much easier for me when I was on top and fantasied being the man. I also always insisted that the man (even my husband) always wear a condom because the thought of having semen in me disgusted me. That and the thought of getting pregnant terrified me (even on birth control pills). I also never enjoyed having my breasts touched because they disgusted me as well.

Over time it became harder & harder to enjoy and I too became uncomfortable- even disgusted- when my husband would even just touch me in any way. I now have zero interest in vaginal sex and probably always will. It's all about stimulating the little guy now . Which, I found out, is waaaaaaaaaaaay better feeling and more enjoyable for me than vaginal sex ever was.

Anyway, we all come from different sexual backgrounds and ideas on sex. It doesn't mean you're less of a man.

[sneakersjay]

It's all about stimulating the little guy now . Which, I found out, is waaaaaaaaaaaay better feeling and more enjoyable for me than vaginal sex ever was.

Now that the little guy has grown up, it is far, FAR more pleasurable than it ever was in the past, for sure.



Jay

[Radar]

Now that the little guy has grown up, it is far, FAR more pleasurable than it ever was in the past, for sure.

I enjoyed it even before going on T. Of course I haven't been on T very long anyway.

[Luc]

Nothing wrong with vaginal sex, regardless of how you identify. Trust me... if a bio guy was somehow miraculously born with a vagina, he'd use it, and learn to like it. On T, at least for me, my sex drive is so high that I can't avoid it. Just do what you like, and don't concern yourself with semantics. It's just a body part.

SD

[milliontoone]

On T, at least for me, my sex drive is so high that I can't avoid it.

Yep I hear ya.  But seriously what Jay say, you gotta use what you've got.  I'd much prefer it if it wasn't there believe me but if it is and it can give me pleasure I'm definately gonna feel ashamed.  As for wondering if it makes you less of a man because you have a pussy and use it I suggest you just mosey on over to google and search for a dude called Buck Angel and you just try visualising him as a woman.

[Matthew J. F]

Hello Hector,
I'm the same way, I think I'm in the worst case because I haven't had sex with a guy yet. I feel very uncomfortable being naked with a guy. I'm not a virgin, don't get me wrong. I let my girlfriend, A friend with no relations, devirginized me few years ago. I refuse to take on the title of a "Lesbian" because I don't feel like one.

I'm a man that is stuck inside this woman's body, ugh!

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable seeing my boobs... other times I take advantages LOL. Same goes for my vagina I'm such a perv and I admit to it too

If I cant have the surgery to fix my abnormalities... at least I take an advantage

[Jib]

Nothing wrong with vaginal sex, regardless of how you identify. Trust me... if a bio guy was somehow miraculously born with a vagina, he'd use it, and learn to like it. On T, at least for me, my sex drive is so high that I can't avoid it. Just do what you like, and don't concern yourself with semantics. It's just a body part.

SD

dang! that's exactly what i was about to say!!!

he might have a problem with having sex with a guy (if he was straight) but i don't think he'd have that much trouble playing with his new fun bit. My point was going to be "if one day he woke up and had a..."

[Hector]

If I cant have the surgery to fix my abnormalities... at least I take an advantage

I think it's the right way 

Thank you guys, now I feel better. S***ty vagina, but better than nothing

[Matthew J. F]

Hector bro just think of it this way.... How many guys do you know have unlimited access (24/7) to a pair of boobs and a vagina?

Because technology is dramatically increasing I do not have to depend on a guy for sexual simulation. I simply invest on some adult novelties... That way I don't ever have to feel gay.

[Nimetön]

Trust me... if a bio guy was somehow miraculously born with a vagina, he'd use it, and learn to like it.

That's probably true, up to a point.  I think that a great many men would get used to it and learn to enjoy it, and there would be some men who would simply refuse to do anything with it, becoming effectively 'stone'.

In any case, it is certainly not what makes a man.  I wouldn't let it bother you, Hector.

- N

[roo]

Yep, in the same boat as you... I identify as a gay male and even though I wish I had a penis, I can get enjoyment from vaginal sex--but only if I don't think about it too much.  I usually only masturbate with my clitoris, and never had a vaginal orgasm.   Anyway, the vagina is intrinsically hooked up with the clit right? So it makes sense you'd find it pleasurable.

[Myself]

A lot of the people from the mtf section enjoyed sex with their penis when they had one, or some still do if they have it.

Personally I try to avoid even seeing that disgusting thing :X (which isn't that disgusting when it's on others)

So I'd say you are like many other FTMs here. besides it's a very natural thing to enjoy it, it's hard to avoid it as far as I noticed.. I am just extremely weird and embarrassed about the thing I have so I am in another group I guess

The real question is, why are you asking if you are still a guy?
You enjoy it, natural! you hate looking at your breasts, you want a penis.. I'd think it's a guy.
Maybe there is another underlying insecurity you might be unsure of how to express?

And even if there is! it's natural for many people here, you were grown and educated to be a girl.. if you keep feeling your feelings of wanting to be a guy, then obviously it has a meaning. it is natural to doubt it because of your body, surrounding people and education

Also, I know there are quite a few lesbian mtf (if not most?)

[Hector]

The real question is, why are you asking if you are still a guy?
You enjoy it, natural! you hate looking at your breasts, you want a penis.. I'd think it's a guy.
Maybe there is another underlying insecurity you might be unsure of how to express?

And even if there is! it's natural for many people here, you were grown and educated to be a girl.. if you keep feeling your feelings of wanting to be a guy, then obviously it has a meaning. it is natural to doubt it because of your body, surrounding people and education

Yes, the problem it's all there! I doubted because of, well, all the sorrounding, and not talking about my body and my education... My insecurity it's all there 

[darius82501]

Hector,

Sorry I have not been on the site much recently, but I read your post and it hit a cord with me. I am 4 months on T and my sex drive is pretty ridiculous. It is really all I think about and I am single. I had a discussion with my psychiatrist about this exact issue. I have never been with a guy and never will, I identify as a straight male. My psychiatrist encouraged me to "get to know my body" so I could then decide what worked and didn't work for me. Hence, I began to try vaginal penetration and g-spot stimulation. The g-spot does work for me and I climax well, but I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. My main concern is if, and this is a big if, I find a straight woman who is interested in being with me will it turn her off for me to like this? Many straight woman I have spoken to about possibly being attracted to ftm's is that woman like penis. Which, makes sense. Then you hear of straight woman dating trans guys all the time. Perhaps, I am over thinking this and finding the wrong women. lol I am doing my best to use what I have because nothing will ever be a perfect functional penis, in my lifetime anyway. I completely understand your feelings of not being a "man." Difficult to work with. Hope this helped.

Brady

[VeryGnawty]

A lot of the people from the mtf section enjoyed sex with their penis when they had one, or some still do if they have it.

That depends.  Self-stimulation is OK.  But I can't stand the thought of penetrating an actual person.