To tell or not to tell, that is the question...

[DawnL]

This could be a poll I suppose but I am more curious to hear individual responses to the question. 

Hypothetical situation: Say you're a musician or an actor, you are joining a new band or troupe, you pass perfectly but there is the possibility that someone who knew you before might show up to a gig or show and use the wrong pronoun or worse in talking about you.  Would you:

Be upfront and tell people so there are no surprises later?

Say nothing and shrug if and when it happens?

Say nothing and deny the implication if ever confronted with it?

[Janet_Girl]

If I was that deep into stealth.  I think I would just take the chance and when it comes up it would be a "So what that doesn't change who I am now, So get on with your own life and leave mine alone".  And then drop the whole situation.



Janet

[Northern Jane]

As far as the people in your day to day life, it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS unless you want to be out.

I had been in my community a few years and only my husband knew my "ancient history". When a rumour went through the community (started from a leak at a medical clinic), I lost a few friends and a few people started treating me differently but most found the rumour incomprehensible and dismissed it. The rumour died out.

You past will be as big or small an issue as you make it but it WILL change the way some people treat you. If you are a public person, there WILL be rumours sooner or later.

[Miniar]

I, Personally, Would tell people.
I mean, it's nothing I feel any need to hide.
It may lead to certain other people having an issue, the issue will be theirs but it may affect me.
A band is not just a business association, it's a group of people who spend a lot of time together. For all intents and purposes, they're friends. And if one of the members has serious issues with trans-folk, I would want to know. I would want to be in a place where I know that if it comes up, it won't be a huge surprise, the band won't think I'm a liar for hiding it, and that I can count on them to continue to treat me the same way after "the secret's out" and the only way I can think of guarantee it.. is if they know already.

[tekla]

I had been in my community a few years and only my husband knew my "ancient history". When a rumour went through the community (started from a leak at a medical clinic), I lost a few friends and a few people started treating me differently but most found the rumour incomprehensible and dismissed it.

Yeah, but that's a private life.  If you were in a band, or an actor, and you were successful, then people will want to see things like, your baby pictures, your high school pictures, talk to people who were in bands with you before this one.  And those people, are reporters, types who in theory at least, know how to dig - the more off it seems, the harder they are going to dig, cause that's a better story.

[Sandy]

This could be a poll I suppose but I am more curious to hear individual responses to the question. 

Hypothetical situation: Say you're a musician or an actor, you are joining a new band or troupe, you pass perfectly but there is the possibility that someone who knew you before might show up to a gig or show and use the wrong pronoun or worse in talking about you.  Would you:

Be upfront and tell people so there are no surprises later?

Say nothing and shrug if and when it happens?

Say nothing and deny the implication if ever confronted with it?

This is not hypothetical to me.

I *am* a member of a theatre troupe.  Many of the people I play with knew me before and acted with me on stage or have been directed by me.

Some of the other actors know nothing about my past as it is not germane to the issue.  But I do not hide, nor do I make a particularly conscious effort to talk about my past.

There was one actor who I knew me before, but it had been so long since the last time I had seen him that he did not recognize me.  He recognized my last name and simply thought I was a relative.

Later in conversation with others, the discussion of my past came up.  He was flabbergasted.  He came up to me an apologized for not talking to me sooner.  It was very touching.

As long as I can fulfill my part, everyone seems happy with it.

-Sandy

[Chloe]

. . . you are joining a new band or troupe, you pass perfectly but there is the possibility that someone who knew you before might show up to a gig or show

What makes you think "they" would even recognize you, put two and two together? Another scenario: I retired last year, worked Atlanta airport with many friends for many years and still pass thru constantly while flying alone and / or with my kids . . .

and if someone does recognize me and says "hello" what they gonna say or do? Create a major scene? Say I look great? Point is I AM THE SAME PERSON, just different sex? (from movie 'Orlando', time forgives all!) I see no real reason to be "upfront" with your new band members (achm, lol a church band?), they'll either like you already or not and if in a solid relationship it shouldn't make a difference one way or another. Have you ever come out to a family member, a sibling growing up who was close to you as a kid? I cannot tell you I surprised I was to learn how "their young impressions of me" at the time were so radically "different from my own perceptions of self" and acceptence now was as a result just as quickly forthcoming . . . lol parents too although "step-mother" says "ain't walking down the avenue together if my husband's son's got bows in her hair" (her hangup, not ours)!

In terms of the importence of "coming out" and "validation" I firmly believe that there's much more involved than simply "passing", changing ones "look" 

As long as I can fulfill my part, everyone seems happy with it.

lol wife and I are still 'aving that battle, the one over what's best for the kids, we are currently separated and despite ALL now she wants to come home too gimmie a break! If ya got the "advantage" press it for all it's worth and stop worrying so much about "what other people think", the jury is always OUT and her she and I aren't even in court yet!

[Syne]

I thought that "The" question was, `To be or not to be?` man, these rewrites are killing me.