You have to go through Hell before you get to Heaven

[Julie Marie]

That's what every therapist, every supporter, every person who has been there should tell anyone thinking of transitioning.  You will live through a personal hell to one degree or another during your transition.  And you may not ever have what you did before you came out.

A better analogy is probably the person who goes off to war to fight the tyranny and oppression they hate living under.  They go knowing there's a chance they will be wounded, maimed or killed but it's worth the risk if they can gain their freedom.  But if they return wounded or maimed, they will have to live with that the rest of their life.  For them heaven is freedom.

Every trans person I know personally has gone through this to one degree or another.  And those I know who are just starting on the path are getting a taste of it.  No one comes out unscathed.  And that will not change until society accepts us completely.

Julie

[Sandy]

Truer words were never spoken, Julie.

It may be time to re-publish the letter you wrote long ago.  It's just as relevant now as it was then.

-Sandy

[Lutin]

Mm, and that's something I'm really scared of (amongst other things ). Everything else is so wonderful at the moment, everything just seems to work out, and generally go so well, I'm scared that if I transition, I'll be throwing away the little beautiful patch of sun I'm living in and will wake up to something much darker and stormier. I'm not religious, but I'm nevertheless so grateful for what I have, and am scared that in changing the way the world sees me, I'll lose this warm sunny world forever.

And may I ask, what letter, Sandy and Julie?

[sweetstars]

I hate to say this, this is a good analogy.  While I never had to deal with harassment, transitions first year is an awfull lot of hell, and you end up questioning ties to people.   My family no longer talks to me, which ended up being a good thing for me, a few months of arguements and heartbreak and then well...peace. 

The thing is it is not always that great to start with, I will say where I am now is pretty heavenly.   

Transition really is a trial by fire, it can easily destroy you early on, but the more time goes on you realize much of that heat was in the past.

[Steph]

Can't argue with that.  While there are no doubt other hellish situations on this earth one could find oneself in, the struggles many of us must endure are personally just as bad.  Therapists, support groups and sites such as Susan must or should emphasize this.

-={LR}=-

[Julie Marie]

And may I ask, what letter, Sandy and Julie?

You can find it here:  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,4562.0.html

[yabby]

So true, but i would not agree about going to hell because we are already in hell.  We just need to go a part of hell that burn more and that is stronger before getting a chance of going to heaven.

[Renate]

Yes, it can be that way for many, but I never had that bad a time.

Ok, I was dismissed from my job and evicted from where I live.
Still, on the balance transition itself was a wonderful time.
I received kindness and acceptance from so many people that it out-weighed the few glares that I got.

[Suzy]

This is an interesting analogy, Julie.  I agree, it feels like we go off to war.  But the two main challenges are 1. knowing which force to join and 2. who the enemy really is. 

Some want to be infantry, making their fight one person at a time.  Others want to be in the artillery, blowing big holes in the defenses wherever they aim.  Still others want to be in intelligence, learning, planning and being the strategist.  Others want to be secret agents.  An increasing number seem to want to be part of the air force, dropping huge bombs on anyone and everyone.  Others want to constantly be the one who is seeking to negotiate. All of these people are needed in our community.  They do different things.

This battle is long, dark and difficult.  Now under attack, it becomes easy to shoot at anything that moves.  But the truth is, we only have so much energy.  It is lost if we shoot at something that is really not the enemy.  Just because we have a bullet loaded, it does not mean it is the right time to shoot because something appears to be hostile at first glance.  Look closely.  You may be staring at your reflection in a mirror.

Kristi

[Julie Marie]

Kristi, there really aren't many choices when it comes to which forces to join.  You join the one that will help you gain your rights, and there aren't many out there.  And the enemy is easy to spot.  They regularly post hateful messages on the Internet or in print and stand in front of media cameras and microphones spewing out intolerance and spreading fear about something of which they are ignorant.

Most of the people I know are not out there like military specialists, on the offense.  They are defending themselves from attack or running for cover and hiding in foxholes waiting for the next bomb to drop.  They are peace loving, tolerant and accepting people who have no desire to enter into battle.  But society won't give them the same rights everyone else gets and some even campaign against them and demonize them.  It's hard to stay passive. 

For those of us who have come out to family, friends and fellow workers, we know this all too well.  For those who plan to in the future, they will find what living this hell is like. 

Once you've made it through and you have gained your freedom, the losses sustained can be tolerable.  But there will still be those who speak against you that will make your new life hellish at times.  You have to protect yourself if you want to survive.

Once you transition, you go from battling yourself to battling the ignorance.

Julie

[Suzy]

Kristi, there really aren't many choices when it comes to which forces to join.  You join the one that will help you gain your rights, and there aren't many out there. 

My dear Julie, I don't see it as so simple.  It is a very individual struggle.  It is the difference (at the extremes) of being out and proud or stealth.  Most fall somewhere in between.  They find a pathway that makes sense for them.

And the enemy is easy to spot.  They regularly post hateful messages on the Internet or in print and stand in front of media cameras and microphones spewing out intolerance and spreading fear about something of which they are ignorant.
Julie[/color][/font]

If this is true, then some of the enemy is within, rather than without.  Personally, I think a lot of the enemy is our own self confidence and our own self perception.  In trying to deal with our own insecurities, we can be our own worst enemy by giving power to those who do not wish us well.   There is never an excuse for bigoted speech or fear mongering.  And no, it is not our fault.  Yet by our reactions we can help empower the loud mouths by acting precisely like what they claim we are.  It will be impossible to convince society that these things are nothing more than hateful prejudices if we are hateful in return.  Yes, we have a huge burden on us.  Yes, we must behave better than they say we are.  Yes, we must show society by our actions who the real haters are. 

There are enough enemies out there.  If we are ever to ever make progress, we need popular support on our side.  We do not need to embody the criticisms made against us and thereby add fuel to the wrong fire.  When we do that we are letting them define who we are.  This is what they had in mind all along.  If we want to defeat this abominable enemy, we need to be ourselves, be confident, and focus our efforts where they will assist in overcoming this kind of ignorance and hatred.

Kristi

[Ms.Behavin]

It was Hell going thru transition , but then again it's not now. For me the fears I carried inside me were far greater then what reality turned out to be.  I lost some friends and some family and the love of my life.  But most of my family is still with me.  I am blessed that even my southern aunts are still with me,  That was a shocker.

  Yet I've gained the love of another who loves me far more.  Plus there is no more hiding or running away.  It is not easy and sometimes down right well... Hell.  Yet it does not stay so.  We move on and become ourselfs.  I am now who I should have always been.  Just me.

Beni

[Julie Marie]

Kristi, this has gone off on a tangent which is more about fighting ignorance than accepting the reality that everyone going through transition will experience some very tough times.

So getting back to the subject, once we come out to our spouse, our kids, our extended family, our neighbors, our boss(es), our co-workers and our community, things WILL change, often in ways you could have never predicted.  And those of us who know this often delay our coming out for years or even decades because of the fear of fallout.

Before I came out at work I was pretty much oblivious to the extent things can change.  My family and friends, I can deal with, but work?  That's something over which you have little or no control.  If they want you gone, you're gone!  They can say all the supportive things they want and even encourage you to come out but the proof is in the pudding.  When you watch all you worked for the past 34 years vanish before you're eyes, that's a serious dose of cold, hard reality! 

Losing my job, the respect I earned over 34 years and the ability to ever make a living in my profession again was devastating.  It was the worst part of my own personal hell.  And none of that came from within.  When you lose that weekly paycheck because your boss can't get over his prejudice, that's all on the outside.

Hell is when people you thought were your friends stop talking to you.  Hell is when you lose your job.  Hell is when you can't find another job.  No Kristi, these things do not come from within.  The resulting anger, frustration and desire to fix what's wrong may, but what caused that comes from an ignorant world.

I love my freedom.  I love being me.  And I'd do it all over again, just a little differently.

Julie

[juliekins]

I would say that we need to maintain a very respectful discourse with even those who speak out against us.
That said, however, I will always take them on with facts. I will get indignant if I'm compared and lumped in
with pediphiles and labeled as non deserving of equal rights.

We have to fight for our rights both in the arena of public opinion, in the media, on blogs and in front of our
congressmen and women. The fact that certain conservative politicians, religious and public spokesmen raise
money and conduct campaigns and referendums to keep me from attaining the right to work without fear of
termination simply because I'm lesbian or trans means I have to get active. They lobby to keep me from marrying
the one I love, and receiving equal state and Federal benefits.

In this case, I can't say that so & so on balance is a fine human being. Not when they perpetuate lies and falsehoods
which influence the opinion and relationship I have with my own family. Not when they fight to not have me be able
to work in schools with children, just because I'm trans. FOr those of us who's family and friends are completely accepting - you're the lucky ones. This can happen. I wish this for all of us. Unfotunately this is the exception and not the rule.

This is, I think  is Julie Marie's point that she was trying to make.

[Janet_Girl]

Many of us have thought that we have been through hell, but have we really?  I have not lost a job, because I am Trans, nor a place to live.  I do write letters to members of Congress and use my real name.  I do not hide who I am, but I also am not out there jumping up and down about rights.

Have I faced discrimination?  No not really.  I am ignored by customers at work, some fellow employees do not talk to me.  But have I suffered?  Not really.  I have lost my family, to a point.  I still talk to my ex and I have my Girlfriend.  But I have not really faced the world with, out and out discrimination, and I hope I never do.  Times are better now, but far from free of hatred and discrimination.

So many others have paved the way for us, we should always keep them in mind when we look at where we are at now.  I am sorry that many still face discrimnation and forced from their homes and life.

I count myself truly lucky thus far.


Janet

[Suzy]

Hey Julier......  I hope you realize I am not talking about being a pansy and accepting the kind of BS that gets hurled at us.  I am not too good at holding my tongue when faced with misrepresentation of the facts either.  And yes, I know that virtually all of us will go through being on the receiving end of injustice, whether in our families, our jobs, our political and religious circles, or like me, all of the above. 

In my own case, as I prepare to receive a whole ton more of this (Yes, you know what I am talking about), I am just hoping somehow to set an example of how to be on the receiving end.  I have seen others become so angry that they are angry at everyone and everything.  I really want to avoid this because it is counterproductive. 

No, some people will never come around.  Someone told me recently that minds are a lot like pickle jars.  They both work better when they can be opened.   I have seen some that are stuck pretty tight.  I will never pretend that is admirable.

We do all have our own styles of how we deal with the feces that is flung at us.  I only hope that by my actions I can bring shame to those who would see us as nothing more than a bunch of angry ugly perverts.  Since I have only a limited amount of time and energy I would like to provide a positive example of what a woman can be, rather than epitomizing the unfair stereotypes some want to force me into.  OK, this is just me.  But I hope it helps explain what I have been trying to say.

Peace,
Kristi