One step forward... two steps back :(

[stacyB]

I wish there was some better way to channel the issues and emotions I am facing right now, but who else besides those here can really profess to understand?

I never realized until I started therapy for my eating disorder how closely tied it was to my GID. Up until now it was supposition on my part that they must somehow be related... but I now am able to correlate when my bulimia began against the timeline of my "coming of age" with being TG and realizing how wrong everthing felt. To be so misunderstood, misdiagnosed and mistreated during a time when I needed love, support and guidance has taken a heavy toll on who I am and have become.

I feel like I am losing the battle to overcome the bulimia, and the therapy has opened so many wounds I dont know if I will even feel whole again. The GID hasnt subsided at all; in fact its as strong as ever. But now battling my eating disorder has paralyzed me from being able to move forward with transitioning. And not just transitioning... it has seeped into every part of my life. I wish to god I had never started down this path! I believed (stupidly) that it wasnt healthy to transition while other lifes issues went unresolved. I now question that "wisdom"...

Ironically it hasnt stopped me from coming out to others in my life. I told my brother last week, I wasnt sure how he would react. Mixed might be the best way to describe it... he was quite clear that he would not shut me out... but he is conflicted by his belief system. For now the best way he can come to terms are, in his words "agree to disagree".

I've also told two other friends and finally confronted my family doctor of more than 30 years. Basically I can categorize most reactions in in 1 or more of the following categories:

1. Fear of the dangers of HRT and SRS.
2. Fear of losing the person they "knew" for someone who is now a "stranger"
3. Total misunderstanding by some of what it means to be transgendered -- e.g. confusing TG with being gay or a sexual fetish
4. There must be some kind of cure for this...

On the one hand there is the relief of not having to hide anymore from those closest to me. That is a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders... on the other hand the no mans land between acceptance and rejection seems to be the vast waste area of "dont ask dont tell" or "if I pretend its not there/happening then maybe I dont have to deal with it".

My family doctor was the most telling. I think he is somewhere in his late 70s, so it hard to imagine him knowing anything about transitioning. We talked about my childhood and I told him the truth... everything. He asked me if I was planning to transition... I wasnt expecting that question as I only addressed being TG. Seemed at first he was trying to give me the worst of it... scare tactic? And why do they actually think throwing out words like "castration" actually helps? Scared straight? Im going to change my mind? I had to educate him on what being TG is, what SRS actually entails, and thats its got nothing to do with sexual preference or fetish. By the end of the office visit I think he got the point that I know what the f**k Im doing and that this isnt a hobby FFS!

Everyone means well... there was no malice I encountered in any of these interactions. But even the best meaning people dont know how to react, and the results would almost be comical if it wasnt so damned serious and such a life altering issue.

Transitioning seems so trivial compared to battling an eating disorder. The first is a case of moving forward in a positive direction... the second is trying to conquer a life threatening situation. If I am successful in the latter then I will be in a better place when all is said and done. Problem is though, I wonder if there will be enough of me left at the end to get to the place I so long to be.

Right now I am just angry, tired, drained, depressed... did I mention I am angry? What upsets me the most... I thought I was doing everything right... being honest with myself, taking control of my future...and still I am such a mess.

I guess its true what they say... if the disease doesnt kill you, the cure will. 

[juliekins]

Stacy,

My heart goes out to you regarding the challenges that you are facing. I can't say that I understand enough to be helpful regarding the eating disorder. Perhaps you can journal enough for us all to better understand. This maybe therapeutic to you. I know this site allows for blogging and essentially creating a diary that marks time and your progress.

I would assume, like you, that the bullimia is tied to both self esteem issues which are also tied to your GID. Throw in some shame and guilt, and there you go.

We can be of help to you along the lines of your GID. It already sounds like you're doing fine and great. Yes, the reactions of those you have told is kind of typical. Sadly, there is so much ignorance surrounding our condition. I don't know if a public declaration of your eating disorder to outsiders would be beneficial or not. I would think that you would get people telling you that you are beautiful and that you should not have to do something like that to remain lovely. I would be hopeful that they would also be supportive of you and your struggle to recover. Have you told your parents or anyone else in your life about the eating disorder?

Please also know that you are not putting people like Julie Marie and I out if you call us and reach out for help. That's what friends are for! GF's help each other, remember. You can't do this entirely by yourself. Please lean on us when you need to! Take care, friend. Hang in there!!

[Julie Marie]

Honey I called you.  Please don't think you need to do this alone. 

Trust.

Julie

[Sandy]

We're all here for you, hon!

Call, write, email, send smoke signals!  We'll answer!

-Sandy

[Chloe]

I guess its true what they say... if the disease doesnt kill you, the cure will. 

Ya need to slow down, take it a 'lil easier on yerself, the two are obviously connected; with only snacks here and there more often perhaps you can reduce some of the guilt. For me it's hating myself for smoking and if bulimic as well then I'd definitely be the "Non-purging type" mood swinger . . . Look at this way, was never big believer in "redistribution" and while always thought *lose weight* was good at some point one needs to put that *right shape* back on with *gradually* definitely being more better than hurry up so stop punishing yerself so much (and exercise, exercise, and water! )

Took shower with best trans friend last night *achm, didn't wait for her to plead to join her as usual* she remarked how shapely i indeed looked for a "53 yr old lady" and the back-handed compliment, due to all that *past tense* worrying and starving, was truly rewarding because at some point one must decide that all of that is now over!