Do you ever find yourself doubting GID?

[sylvie]

Did I ever doubt that I had GID?   Never.  I didn't always know what it was, but I definately knew I was in the wrong body.  For way tooooo many years I suppresed it, but it was always there and had to come out from time to time.  This past year I reached the point where I just couldn't control it anymore.  I sought out a therapist to help me "put it back in the box" but soon came to realize that isn't what I needed.  I need to be whole, but sometimes it's hard to let go of the facade that i've built up over the years.  Like Kate I've been having the same feelings lately.  It's not whether this was the right choice, but can I handle the path.  So far so good aside frrom somed bumpy areas

[K8]

Did I ever doubt that I had GID?   Never.  I didn't always know what it was, but I definately knew I was in the wrong body.  For way tooooo many years I suppresed it, but it was always there and had to come out from time to time.  This past year I reached the point where I just couldn't control it anymore.  I sought out a therapist to help me "put it back in the box" but soon came to realize that isn't what I needed.  I need to be whole, but sometimes it's hard to let go of the facade that i've built up over the years.  Like Kate I've been having the same feelings lately.  It's not whether this was the right choice, but can I handle the path.  So far so good aside frrom somed bumpy areas

D***, Shawna.   You've been reading my journal!

Yeah, there are a lot of bumps, and a few swampy areas, but with luck and help and determination you can make it.  Good luck, sis.

*hugs*
Kate

[antarcticsake]

AHH!! That could also be me!
I swear to god that I feel the same way. i see it now...
i'm terrifid of the journey, i don't want it to be a transition. i wish it just would have BEEN since I was born...so that none of this could happen. blah blah and...double blah!

I remember being 10 and wanting a raccoon coat or something. I was in a fur coat kind of stage lol.  and my mom was like "first of all, they're expensive." so then I was like oh well i'll keep trying to get one.  Few weeks later, i remember so distinctly, my mom approached me, and she's very open-minded, but just like you, this subconscious idea of anything outside of male and female being "wrong" threw up inside my brain.  she said to me, "XXXX (my name now--aka don't like it), I wanted to ask you something? What do you feel like inside hmm? do you feel more like a woman?" And instantly, RIGHT THEN and there, I sucked it all back in, that is, whatever I was thinking, feeling, and said, "I think a man." It's like subconscious conservative guilt! GAH!! Not even conservative, but american...or worldy guilt...

And ever since then I never thought I was denying it but merely not questioning anything. Which could be a passive form a denial, come to think of it.

So i hav ea lot of thinking to do.  But damn if I could have said "WOMAN! YES! DING DING DOUBLE DING!" I could have maybe even started like kim petras...but now i'm 20 and growing hair on my chest. I feel a double cheesecake coming on...

[K8]

Welcome, Jenny. 

Your story is very much like that of many of us here.  You doubt because you are afraid to admit it to yourself.  Many of the barriers we experience are ones we create ourselves. 

Oh well, such is life.   Or at least life as we experience it.

- Kate

[CharleneT]

I have had doubts all along the way.  I think doubt can be a very healthy thing!  In questioning myself and my decisions, I come to a more informed and comfortable conclusion.  I think "comfortable" is not the right word, but I can't think of a better one right now.  I would not go into such a huge and life changing situation without first making very darned sure that is what I want.  Playing your own devil's advocate helps that.  Also can save on therapist bills... ;-)

[aurora17]

Don't worry about raging testosterone, you can still get rid of this venmo with antiandrogens, such as spironolactone or (in my case), cyproterone acetate, which is the most effective.

As for doubting GID, I thought about the problem for years if not decades before coming to the conclusion I am indeed transgendered, and then I began transitioning. There is no doubt in my mind about it. I'm doing it till the end or, if it becomes impossible, to the death.

[Calistine]

I never doubt that I have gender issues but I do wonder all the time if I truly want to transition.
->-bleeped-<-..I think thats my doubt. I think I only like the thought of myself as a woman because I love women and I only like being the same sex as them for that reason. Hmm..
But everyone with gid probably does question whether the gender they think they are is real. Its impossible to know.

[antarcticsake]

I think I realized exactly the source for my doubt...
I recently (as in May) moved back in with my parents because of financial issues at college...which has put a damper on not only my trans feelings but also social life, among many other things!

My mom's fine with anything, but my dad is very strict, traditional, logical, and very inside the box...weirdly enough he thinks he's all that and a bag of chips (you know real chill, understanding...) but no...when i came out as "gay" he was weirded out and said it was false...maybe he was right!  about the MALE liking males part.

So...this is my junior year at school and i had previously had 2 independent/free years not athome, when I reallly began to question everything and I realiuzed I had been controlled to not think this whole time, but meanwhile I think what happened is that I reverted back to my old ways of thinking...as it's very difficult to be "myself" here...which is silly, feminine, wear the clothing I want to wear (At least for the time being,) etc. 

I wonder if that has any bearing...

[K8]

Antarcticsake, the metephor that comes to my mind is of growing a plant in a too-small container.  When things start poking out here and there you wonder if that's the direction it should go or whether that's just a weak spot in the container.

As TG in the military, I was always afraid I would find a chink in the container and grow that way but wrongly.  In a constricted environment you need to adapt to keep yourself whole and healthy and grow within if possible.  Unfortunately, in such an environment you often have to put off overt growth until you can get out of the container.  (Does this make any sense?  Maybe I need another cup of coffee.)

And yes, it is always hard to go back to a more constricting environment after having even a taste of freedom.

*hugs*
Kate

[Steph2003]

Like most of the other girls, I wished I was a girl as early as 4 years old.  I envied my sisters and secretly wore their clothes.  Over the years, like others, I thought it was a phase and that "I can be male" and that it was wrong and what would my family think?  At one point, I was having sex with any woman I could, just to prove to myself that I was a man and yet, during these encounters, I always fantasized that I was the woman.  I also thought that marriage and children would change everything, but my desires still didn't go away.  I talked to a dozen therapists over the years, but I never had the courage to tell them.

Late last year, I finally realized that if I didn't do something I was going to end up either in the hospital or dead and finally went to a GT.

Did I know I was GID all my life?  Since I was a child, I knew I was different, but it wasn't until I heard about Renee Richards that there where others like me and I could do something about it.