Transitioning in Secret....

[juliekins]

How many us either started our transition in secret? Let me explain...

Probably many, if not most of us, came to a realization at some early part in our lives that we either were, or needed to live as, our opposite birth gender. We experimented with borrowed clothes, or snuck away to the library (and now the internet) for some information on our needs and desires. Most of us did this as young people or kids.

I'm talking about those of us who chose for whatever purpose to live the beginning and maybe middle part of our lives in our birth gender. (outwardly physical sex) We were either too afraid of standing out, or feared reprisal from our friends, families and community. We feared for our jobs and careers. Probably shame was a factor, given all that we heard growing up from our parents or friends and siblings.

So at some age, be it 30 or 40 or 50 we decided to move along our necessary path. It may have meant calling a gender therapist, seeking out a trans support group or a doctor for hormone therapy. We might have called an electrolyist to begin having our face
cleared.

What I would like to ask, and throw open to the group is this question. How many of us somehow started life altering steps without telling our wife or partner? Why was this step taken rather than facing the issue head on together with them? Was it fear of them leaving? Their reprisal or vengefulness? Did you just want to keep open all options in case you decided to back off your transition plans?  How far did you take your transition before finally letting them in on your plans? 

Finally, how did everything turn out for you?

[shanetastic]

By "secret" do you mean perhaps not telling immediate family? Or friends? or?

Just a little vague so it seems like there is a lot of leadway with answers

[Chloe]

Finally, how did everything turn out for you?

My wife of twenty years and mother of two discovered quite quickly, early on and when challenged I answered honestly knowing she had "known things" about me from the beginning, all along.  After a rocky, turbulent 3 years on HRT she seemed to have settled down and actually learned to enjoy and preferred my "feminine side" immensely . . .

. . . until, just recently that is, as I have since decided to divorce her and am seeking full custody for what I perceive as many other valid reasons! It remains to be seen what the court system does for as you know they are very slanted toward the "real" female in most every case, my particular GG wife is totally useless in most every respect and yet they seem to think thats ok (for the kids!) and the males do nothing but pay, pay, pay . . .

What's wrong with this picture? "Family males" in general must truly SUCK in regards to devotion to their children, small wonder I always felt the need to somehow disassociate myself from them?

It's like many women are hardly ever held totally responsible for the most horrendous  actions and because I married her she remains my problem to the end regardless! Obviously you can tell I think the whole institution of MARRIAGE is highly flawed, if I had my way NOBODY would ever say "I do" again because all the rest is a total fairy tale farce anyway, ya know, that part about "love, respect and honor"?

lol What was the question? HAVE WIFE BE WARY! Surprisingly it seems it is I who was "in it for the kids" whereas mothers are often in it for many varied, different reasons! Lets see here: control, intimacy, control, momentary fleeting joy, control, leisure, control, shopping, control again . . . er, did I leave anything out?

lol I've a theory about why such a bad economy but I'll save it for another time 

[juliekins]

I was mostly addressing those in an intimate relationship with their partner. I guess if you were still living with your parents, or else maybe living with a sibling or friend under the same roof, that would be relevant. Obviously, if you are living with friends or family you can always move. Leaving a committed relationship is a whole other matter thing, not only due to the intimacy but also the shared finances. Does this help?

[shanetastic]

I was mostly addressing those in an intimate relationship with their partner. I guess if you were still living with your parents, or else maybe living with a sibling or friend under the same roof, that would be relevant. Obviously, if you are living with friends or family you can always move. Leaving a committed relationship is a whole other matter thing, not only due to the intimacy but also the shared finances. Does this help?

Yeah it does :]

It also negates me from this question though hehe.  But I think Kiera had a pretty nice answer there!

[Chloe]

I was mostly addressing those in an intimate relationship with their partner.

Well lol my relationship was intimate, according to her, at times, I'll add it to my list . . .

Lets see here: control, intimacy, control, momentary fleeting joy, control, leisure, control, shopping, control again

any other "clarifications"?

[Ms.Behavin]

Beni raises her hand...Yes I was in the closet and secret about it for a long time before really admitting to myself that I really was a girl inside,  Well Dah.  It was hard and the fear before was far harder then reality turned out to be in the end.

For me, I had to wait for my Mom and Dad to die before I would let myself out.  It was sad that I waited, but I loved my dad so much that I did not want to upset him.  I had forgotten that at some time in the past I decided that I could not transition till after my parents passed on (it sounds so stupid now.

Two weeks after my dad died, I came out to my then fiancee, totally unplanned.  It was two months after that, that I remembered that I had decided not to transition till after my parents died.  What a waste.  My brother when I finally came out to him, told me I should have come out ages ago as my mom always wanted a daughter.

In hindsight, I should have been far more open and honest with my folks about who I really was.  But then again that was 70's georgia and people were still burning crosses in some areas of the south then.

Beni

[Deanna_Renee]

Beni,

Thank you for that story, I think I have been largely following the same (il)logic. I don't have to worry about my dad, since he left the family more than 35 years ago. My mom is the one I dread having the talk to. I have not yet begun transitioning and have only just come out to myself, DUH! Only took me 47 years to do that. Now my mom is 69 and shares an apartment with me (for many reasons, most I don't have reasoning for) so I think it would be a little difficult to go too far with transitioning and sitting at the same table together for dinner every night. I have no idea how she would take the news. My family has been rather disappointing to her and she has had a lot of pain in her life, so I don't know if this little bit of news would throw her over the edge or if she would be okay with it. It may be nice for her to have a daughter again.

We'll see how it plays out. That probably doesn't answer the question at all. I don't really even know if it was even an attempt to.

Deanna

[Tristan]

i was doing it on the down low as you say in junior high doing at school and keeping it from my parents but they found out. it got really weird from that point on. as i continued to transition while they looked the other way and treated me like crap cuz of it. things got better between me and my dad but not my mom. so my awnser to this one is yes, i did start Transitioning in Secret

[Sandy]

I was completely up front with both of my spouses about my ->-bleeped-<- background.

I was in such denial that I thought that just wearing panties under my clothes and other minor coping mechanisms would be enough.  I never connected that wearing female underwear making me feel *normal* and not aroused was what really described me as a transsexual.

Both the marriages started on the slippery slope of disintegration when they no longer thought it was "cute" and asked me to stop.  When I had to stop the coping mechanism, I became a time bomb.

It wasn't anyones fault, really.  If I hadn't been in denial to myself and accepted that I truly was a woman early on, maybe the marriages might have been built on a more solid foundation.  Or maybe they would not have married me in the first place.

So many "what if's".

-Sandy

[Julie Marie]

While I kept my CDing pretty hush-hush, those I became seriously involved with I told, at least everything I knew at the time.

I was engaged in my early 20's and I told her after we became serious and long before the engagement.  Later, when I was dating my future spouse, I told her because I didn't want there to be any secrets or any trust issues, plus I wanted her to know who she was involved with. 

After we married, if I was going to attend any TG functions I always talked to her first and asked if she was okay with it.  When I got back home I told her everything that happened.  I just could not see myself looking her in the eye and saying I was going on a business trip or some other lie in order for me to have my girl time.  I couldn't have lived with myself.  I made a vow to her and I did my best to keep it throughout the marriage.

As for the kids, I wanted to tell them early.  I did some research and it seemed kids do better when you tell them early.  But my wife was against it.  Many times throughout the years I discussed telling the kids with her but she always said no.  So I respected her decision.

I don't know why I'm that way, maybe because my parents were always keeping secrets from each other and it eventually led to an ugly divorce.  And that led to the breakup of the family.  It was too high a price to pay just to get what you want at a given moment.  I chose to be honest and take whatever came with it.  I could live with that.

Julie

[Chloe]

Annwyn had every right to call the woman on that, not just for her family's sake but because that's the kind of reputation which makes it difficult for many responsible trans woman to get any sort custody of their children in a divorce.

Jury still out, I'll let ya's know!

In hindsight, I should have been far more open and honest with my folks about who I really was.  But then again that was 70's georgia and people were still burning crosses in some areas of the south then.

A twist! I AM living in GA and as we speak have been struggling to find a good lawyer, wife has been in NYC for the past year with kids helping her 98 yr old Gma and, sparing all the details because they're well doc'd elsewhere, the situation between her and I had radically deteriorated like I said "for other, various reasons", some being within her/our control and some not at all . . .

Am told aside from my GID (not even mentioned yet) "jurisdiction issues" in a heated custody battle 'cross state lines can complicate things expensively to the point where I was looking into the possibility of finding a lawyer in NYC to handle the case that would also be more LGBT friendly, to cut this short I think I found one HERE but more to the point and topic of *honesty within relationships* . . .

I was talking to her today and sensing I was serious about divorcing her (both our families are involved and want it) I truly think she still loves me and appreciates all the forthright efforts I have made to be always entirely straight with her in an attempt to keep our family together. In a nutshell - and truth be known as I'm sure my marriage is far from typical - her actions, behaviors and decisions have had far worse consequences than any mere desire on my part to start again transitioning and acknowledging all marriages are certainly different with mine being rather horrifically unique . . .

She has subsequently indicated to me in principal  (granted still out of partially selfish, cornered reasons) to AGREE TO A SEPARATION ONLY with me retaining FULL LEGAL CUSTODY of our children in exchange for satisfying our respective families demands and the opportunity for her to continue living together with me (and the kids? )!

Trust me she has very strange way of showing it, trust is not that easily re-established between two otherwise self-determined people but How's That For Love and I've always believed *honesty* has proved to always be the best and only policy. Otherwise? In an court battle even being reasonably confident in having the good parenting *preponderance of evidence* over her - and having recently experienced the criminal DV judicial system - I'm not so sure I would have easily won and it would have been very costly ($20,000?) to say the least so the burden is definitely stacked against us!

Well, it remains to be seen what happens, vows / promises made is not the same as kept, I've (like Annwyn?) had some pretty hard lessons these past few years concerning being absolutely straight with people but it appears perseverance, selflessness and devotion to the truth does and will pay off in the end. She still claims I kept "my secrets" for too long although that has not exactly been the case, like I said she "knew stuff" about me when we married and as far as last 3 yrs HRT she knew it almost from week 1. I've changed my med routine over the years per her request so I remain at least nominally "functional", have had good success with "play" but then again she also knows I caught up with an old HS boyfriend (he's gay so ya really want me to keep that down there? lol) and if she misbehaves badly in the future "her fun" - let go of it! - is forever subject to removal! 

Sorry for such lengthly, long posts, been pretty quiet around here lately AND NOW YA's KNOW WHY!  Disclaimer: Until written in stone all is subject to change!

As for the kids, I wanted to tell them early.  I did some research and it seemed kids do better when you tell them early.  But my wife was against it.  Many times throughout the years I discussed telling the kids with her but she always said no.  So I respected her decision.

My kids are ok with me, not being fully OUT of course my 9 yr son still wishes I wasn't so "girlie" but I do know we all love each other tremendously and what's truly important is my spending time and doing all the "guy things" with him that he expects and knows I am quite capable of doing (with ditto for 11 yr daughter!) Hopefully wife will work - for once - while I? 

R-E-T-I-R-E-D w/kids & able to fly around the world for FREE!
(BeverlyAnn long time no see!)

[juliekins]

My story is that I told my fiance' that I was CD/TG before we got married, and she could live with some occasional underdressing.
This abruptly ended after the honeymoon, when she threatened to call my parents and a good lawyer if I ever dressed again. How nice! After 10 years and  two children with a failing marriage, I sought out a family therapist with gender credentials. My spouse would not join me there. I lasted 3 years more in counseling before getting my letter for hormones, now realizing I was TS.  I went on a light dose "to feel better". I still hadn't committed to transitioning, and wanted to give the marriage a chance. She knew about my occassional visit to a gender support group, and hated that. Her thinking was that I was only going to pick up "guys in dresses". I chose not to tell her about the hormones and few rounds of electrolysis. Our marriage had been on the brink due to other issues involving her emotional and physical abuse towards me. Only thru good therapy did I work up the courage to leave the house. Things ended when she filed for divorce 2 mo's later. 1 year after divorce I committed to transition, which took another 1 1/2 years to complete, including surgery.

At this point in my life, I have a good relationship with both of my kids. They understand now why we divorced, and why I needed to transition.  In a sense, I feel that I was honest with her and upfront. I gave a very unhealthy marriage 16 years to work- it didn't and coudn't have. I knew, from her previous threats and history of abusiveness, that to have told her about hormones could have jeopardized my health and relationships with family. In retrospect, I should have been more honest with myself, and worked up the courage to leave earlier. But like many of us, I wanted to remain with my kids and look out for their welfare.

I have no regrets whatsoever about transitioning. It was the best and most apporopriate thing for me. I coudn't be happier right now, except for severed relationships with my parents and siblings. I view this as their issue and not mine. I'm perfectly okay as a woman with a trans past.

[Janet_Girl]

My recently declared ex knew of my past try at transition and she accepted mr then.  But this when I decide that I had to transition, she said she would not stay.  When ask why, she said that before it wasn't personal,  Now it is.  She is still around and we talk some.  She has not wanted to know any particulars, but she can accept me more, because we are now on different paths.

My folks never knew the extent that my GID ran, but I think my Mother had a feeling, just by the way she acted towards me sometimes.

I took herbals for years in secret.  But I would monitor any results and stop when necessary.

Janet

[Kay]

I guess I was one of those idealistic fools that thought that honesty was always the best policy. 
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I buried and avoided my gender issues for many years until I was in my late 20's.  There was a lot of fear, guilt, shame...but mostly fear...drummed into me while I lived with my parents.  I finally moved out after college, and it took about a year before the fear dissipated enough for me to be honest with myself.  Unfortunately I was already married by that time.
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I knew I needed to tell my wife, so after a few months of preparing and working up the courage, I told her everything.  We didn't have any children, so if she couldn't handle it, I thought it would be best to give her the opportunity to move on. She could do what she needed to, and so could I.  In retrospect, it was probably the worst decision that I ever made.  I loved her, and wanted to give our relationship a chance...but I should have just ran while I could.
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She...had issues...of her own that she had not told me about.  I loved her, but the next 6 years were essentially me walking on pins and needles.  Whenever I would express myself even less than what I had in college she would freak out...start cutting herself...and get extremely suicidal (among other things).  While she tried to accept it, the same went for anything cross-gender related.  It's not a good feeling, knowing that through the subtlety of your actions, you can push someone you love off the deep end.  We tried many things, but none of them helped.  If she seemed stable enough for me to leave, and I expressed an interest in it...the same downward spiral would occur.  I eventually just stopped doing anything, because I didn't want her death on my conscience.  It was the worst 6 years of my life.  I'm divorced now, thankfully.
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I used to think that it was horrible for people to be dishonest with their spouse.  I'm not so idealistic anymore.  Sometimes you do what you have to do to survive.  Sometimes it's just better to get away from selfish/crazy people.  Sometimes facing the issue head-on with your spouse isn't a good idea.  Sometimes the reality surpasses what you feared.
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I know these aren't popular sentiments.  Most people like to hear that honesty is always the best policy.  Most people like to hear that the reality will generally be better than what you feared.  It's not always true.
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On the other hand, I suppose, if you're not honest...you'll never know how they will react.  If you don't give people a chance to be decent...they can't pleasantly surprise you.  Just make sure you have a good escape plan, because you may need it.
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As for where I am now?  Mid 30's, and starting over again what I had tried to start in my 20s.  Transitioning in secret.  A work in progress, so I'm not sure how things will turn out.  But, at least I'm on my way again.

[juliekins]

"I knew I needed to tell my wife, so after a few months of preparing and working up the courage, I told her everything.  We didn't have any children, so if she couldn't handle it, I thought it would be best to give her the opportunity to move on. She could do what she needed to, and so could I.  In retrospect, it was probably the worst decision that I ever made.  I loved her, and wanted to give our relationship a chance...but I should have just ran while I could."

Kay, I think that you did the best that you could, given the circumstances. She had a right to know, as your partner. To have left without telling her, on false premises, would have not been fair to either of you. You had no idea that she had these other problems which led to self loathing and destructive behaviors.

I had a similar situation with my ex-wife, though I had told her I was CD before we got married. At the time, I didn't understand I was TG/TS. She did a 180 on me in terms of acceptance after the wedding. I was told that she would leave me if I ever expressed my femininity in front of her. Like your ex, she also had hidden problems which later manifested as suicidal threats and emotional abuse against myself and the kids. I was not going to be responsible for her destroying herself with the red herring issue of my gender dysphoria. I left her, after she refused onging counseling.  My only regret is that I didn't take the kids with me, but agreed to split custody. She was able to put on a pretty good act with family members and the attorneys. Thankfully, my kids turned out fine.

Again, I do think we need honesty with our partners before marriage, and certainly during the marital relationship. I should have had more insight into myself, however, and I do wish that I was more perceptive of her problems. Hindsight is wisdom, I guess.

[K8]

I was completely up front with both of my spouses about my ->-bleeped-<- background.

I was in such denial that I thought that just wearing panties under my clothes and other minor coping mechanisms would be enough.  I never connected that wearing female underwear making me feel *normal* and not aroused was what really described me as a transsexual.

Both the marriages started on the slippery slope of disintegration when they no longer thought it was "cute" and asked me to stop.  When I had to stop the coping mechanism, I became a time bomb.

It wasn't anyones fault, really.  If I hadn't been in denial to myself and accepted that I truly was a woman early on, maybe the marriages might have been built on a more solid foundation.  Or maybe they would not have married me in the first place.

So many "what if's".

-Sandy

What she said.  (Two marriages, always open with each as a CD, not realizing I was really TS.)

I didn't really come out to myself until I started coming out to others, and that was after my wife died.  My transition has been very open and public.  I somethimes wonder if I would have ever gotten to this point if my wife was still alive, but there's no way of knowing.

I'm not in a partnership or intimate relationship, so perhaps I can't really answer your question, Julie, but but I still believe that - depending on your situation - honesty and openness work best in the long run.

- Kate

[DawnL]

I was so in denial about who I was, I told no one, not even myself.  I pretty much imploded just after my 49th birthday and there was no hiding what was happening from my spouse.  I told her shortly after I went into therapy and at first, she said we could remain friends but nothing more.  Later, she decided we could make together and so we did, through FFS and SRS.  We made it four years and then I found out she was having an affair and was in love with someone else.  I guess I was foolish to think we could make it but I'm an incurable romantic and a bit of an idealist.  I took longer to tell my children--almost a year--but we remain close and they are very supportive of my transition.

[Julie Marie]

One factor in determining if one is keeping a secret is the level of denial that person is in.  Often we hear we have lied to people when we come out as TS.  I keep seeing how many of us started out seeing ourselves as CD but in time realized it is much more than that.  Maybe it's tough for outsiders to understand the level of denial we immerse ourselves into, and they think we're just trying to soften the story so it is more palatable for them by saying "I didn't know then".

Put me on a polygraph and I will pass with flying colors when I say, "I never even considered transitioning until my family walked out of my life."  But I'll bet if you asked my ex or my kids they would say I planned to transition long before that.  And I'll bet they don't even believe that I waited over a year after they left until I seriously considered it.  I've told my kids that but I'm not convinced they accepted that. 

So the whole issue becomes shrouded in distrust.  I can sleep at night because I told what I knew when I knew it.  There's nothing more a person can do.

Julie