Not sure when to come out

[Pippa]

Last night I sat and drafted my coming out letter to my parents.   I think it is best that they are the first to know.

I have been on hormones for several months and I am about halfway through laser hair removal on my face.

The hormones are kicking in and on a recent visit my Mum noticed that my fingernails were long and shaped.  She also made one comment that I was getting breasts.

I know I am making the right decision for me but my parents aren't getting any younger.   I am worried that the shock of my coming out may have an effect on their health.

My parents are aso very straight laced.   They were brought up in the years after the second world war and have a very limited view of the world.   The liberal 1960's passed them by and their views could almost be those of their parents.

I am very afraid that my coming out will cause them great emotional harm and their reaction will be to cut me out of the family.   I have a small close knit family and I do not want to lose them.

Pippa

[Steffi]

Hi Pippa
Well...... you seem to be very settled in your own mind and already committed to the path of transition.   
..... did you just DRAFT this letter or are you actually on the brink of giving it to them?

Although you say that your parents are straight-laced and the 60's passed them by, you don't actually define their attitude to trans-people - do you know it?
Have you ever raised the topic with them or observed their reactions and comments when the subject crops up e.g on the television?

If not then I suggest that you somehow test the water
One way might perhaps be to buy a magazine that includes a trans-story, pass it on to Mother/family and later casually chat about stories in the mag and mention it.

Best to try and plumb their general reaction, then you at least have a better idea of their overall attitude to this specific issue - though of course it's still a different ballgame when it's THEIR child..........

[K8]

I don't know how often you see your parents, but I believe coming out is best done face-to-face if possible.  (My parents have been dead more than 15 years, so you can disregard my advice.) 

I wouldn't worry about causing them great emotional harm if you come out to them honestly, earnestly, and with love.  I came out to my family in baby steps, sort of.  My sister was born in '36, my brother in '40.  They know what transgendered means and what transsexual means.  They are of an age (chronologically and era they were raised in) to not want to talk about the medical or sexual aspects. 

I first explained that I am transgendered - that I had been wearing women's clothes since I was about 9.  After that sank in for a while (week, month, whatever) I told them I was starting to live full time as a woman and was changing my name to Katherine.  I didn't mention hormones or whisker-clearing until they could begin to see the results.  I have not broached the subject of surgery.

When talking to your parents, you want to talk about feelings and how you fit into society and how long you've been troubled by this.  You do not want to talk about sexuality or how you hate your penis.

Just my 2¢.

Good luck, Pippa.

- Kate

[Pippa]

My parents certainly know that I dressed when I was younger.   They were distinctly unhappy about it and on at least two occaisons found and threw out my stash of clothing.

It is very much the elephant in the room at times and I think they can just about stand my crossdressing, but they are distinctly not happy about it.   I fear if they hear about my transition, they will cut me out of their lives forever.   This applies to my Mum especially.   Over a minor issue, she didn't speak to one of her sisters for over two years.   She has a mentally disabled sister who is a bit of a m->-bleeped-<-ie and is attracted to all things shiny.   After one of my Mum's rings was taken by her sister, my mum cut her out of the family completely.   

With my Mum anything is possible, I suspect she would be heartbroken by the news and never want to speak to me again.   On the evidence of her relationship with her sister, this is very possible.

Pippa

[K8]

Gross generalization here, but most women will treat their sister and child differently.  The question is, what do you want?  Do you want to come out and risk being cut out?  Do you want to hide and not risk it?

My advice was how to come out, not whether you should come out.  That is a separate issue and depends very much on your situation and your needs.

Pippa, let us know what you decide, and if you decide to come out to your parents how it goes.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

- Kate

[Steffi]

on a recent visit my Mum noticed that my fingernails were long and shaped.  She also made one comment that I was getting breasts.

Considering that she already knew you cross-dressed in the past I would be inclined to wonder if the above is a subtle way of telling you that actually she realises what is going on ?

K8 is right, neither we nor anyone else can tell you if or when to come out, but it does seem though that like another poster on this site, you are somewhat sitting on a ticking bomb. 

My personal approach would be to raise the issue of transition in relation to third parties (people on tele, in magazines) and thereby get a solid preliminary understanding of the condition across - much easier to get the fundamentals clearly established now in a calm atmosphere than to try do so after the big bang inevitably happens of it's own accord.