Wanting to become Stephanie

[Cassandra]

You are certainly welcome here Stephanie. Please don't think anyone is against you, just a little concerned. Explore, learn, get in touch with yourself. Just remember to at all times be honest with yourself and your therapist. This is a voyage of discovery. I wish you a good journey

Cassie

[Terri-Gene]

Hello Stephanie, Was hoping you wouldn't just wander off without looking back over your shoulder.  You did good with that last post.  I can buy into it when you talk about it that way, and I understand the stage at which there is so much of what you are used to expressing as male it just overrides a need to just talk up close about it.  Built in caution, Control aspects?

Thats what it's all about in here.  Talk about it, explore it with others, determine what it means to you.  take it as far as you can be comfortable with and not a step further, but if no step is to great, then know nothing can change your mind before committing yourself.  You might need the strength of that commitment to see it through.

It would be delightful to chat about most anything, especially if it relates to how one relates to themselves and how they are manageing to pull together what they want to do with thier lives.  Such information, despite success or failure, can be a useful tool at a later time, and always with such things, brings about a better understanding of what one really wants in life and the values they stand by to accomplish it.  It's incredible what you learn, about yourself, your friends, your enimies, and just life in general.

Looking forward to sharing with you Stephanie ....

Terri

[Shelley]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time that I have felt uneasy about posting a thought. Please don't take what I say as it is not critism in any way it is just an expression of how I feel.

I am a little surprised at the vigour of the thread of this conversation. It's not the normal supportive conversation that I have become used to reading particularly in response to an introduction and at times I thought it was over the the top. I then thought maybe a raw nerve had been touched upon. There seemed to be then concern that someone was taking the subject matter less than seriously and then it dawned. Concern, that was what I was seeing and without trying to place meaning on the words of others I was relieved to realise that out of concern the voices had become a little harder than I had become used to.

One thing that I had become comfortable about this lovely place was that you could throw a thought into the arena and discussion would follow. You could feel safe that you would not be chastised nor ridiculed and unlike the real world people where they would attack you because you think differently or because you have not yet formulated your thinking.

My thinking of here, and it is just my thinking, is that here is where you can think aloud and others will provide that shoulder, that little piece of guidance or even just listen.

My hope is that my thinking is right.

Love Shelley

[Terri-Gene]

  "My hope is that my thinking is right."

Nothing wrong with your thinking at all, Shelley, but let me say this.  If I ever at any time seem not to have a grip on the reality of the situation, Please, Please, pull me aside and administer a swift kick to the tail section to engage brain, and do it promptly. If you'd rather not take that on, grab one of those who can and will command me into a corner with no debate, argument or expectation of disobedience.  I'd rather be asked to evaluate myself and be sure I knew in my core who I am and proceed with that confidence, then simply walk the plank.  And I think all serious people realise this, though I can't speak for them. It's to serious and mistakes are costly or even fatal, making a true and objective knowledge of Self, of most important consiquence.  Are we a social group? or are we a true support group who love to socialise?  The "Go Girl" type of attitudes are going to have to stand aside in the interest of honest and meaningful personal development.

Terri

[Cailyn]

Wow, aren't all you tough love types arrogant.  Yeah, being trans is tough and it's a cruel world out there and all that but what gives you the right to dispense the sort of rough advice I've seen in this thread?  What, if they can't take the tough stuff now they should head back to the closet and suffer their GID in silence?  Are any of you therapists?  Nah, thought not.

The first time I posted here, if I'd been treated like that, I would've left and not come back.  Yeah, I'm sensitive and so are some of the others that come here.  In enough time, with good gentle advice, I still transitioned to full time very quickly.  You can't decide based on a couple of posts what's best for someone, and it's presumptious to assume you can. 

Only with time, reflection, good therapy, and helpful support will a person find the right path through their GID or perhaps they'll realize they were wrong or that they won't be able to suffer the slings and arrows of being trans.  Being mugged in a support group isn't going to help much and deciding based on a one or two posts what "treatment" a certain person needs is even less helpful.  No one here was saying "you go girl", and the best advice should be: get thee to a therapist where the real work will be done.

Cailyn

[Terri-Gene]

  "No one here was saying "you go girl", and the best advice should be: get thee to a therapist where the real work will be done."

You got that right Cailyn, for sure wern't no "go Girls", your right on that, and I believe about everyone who replied to the original post mentioned a therapyst for a start,  It was an apparent attitude and presentation that made me think that here was one that needed to get her feet down to ground zero before "decieding" anything.

Over several posts I felt no easier with this person as the presentaion seemed to concern itself with probilities rather then emotional fullfillment, and I thought this way until the last post by stephanie, where she showed a crack and allowed herself to become a little more real and I could feel easier with her in my own personal responses to her.

Yes, I can be judgemental, if I wasn't I'd get washed up a lot quicker then otherwise,  It was a shock to me also, but somewhere along the way I've discovered that yes, I am also human, subject to human flaw, but my intentions were good and any harm was intended to prevent.

NO OPOLOGIES!

Terri

[Cailyn]

I was just voicing an opinion.  No apologies are required.  I don't think anyone intended harm.  I am simply saying I think the message could've been delivered with kinder words.  Stephanie wasn't flying to Thailand next week for GRS.  She has time to reflect and consider, and most importantly, seek professional advice.  Kelly (where is dear Kelly?) used to answer these posts with a cup of tea, some sage advice, and a suggested reading list.  He certainly made me feel welcome after my first posting as did several others.

Cailyn

[Shelley]

Hi again everyone,

Yes Terri, as I look back on the thread my second thought was right. It is out of concern that the thread followed this path. I agree with you  there is a very great danger of treating all of the subject matter of these forums too lightly. Some of the things we discuss do require encouragement particularly when self esteem issues arise but as you have stated some are very serious and have serious outcomes and as such should not be taken lightly.

I just thought like Cailyn that we could have provided Stephanie with an opportunity to clarify her thinking with some questions. I remember when I first started righting in these forums how unsure I felt about how open I should be about myself. I have not yet written that introductory post about myself as yet. Something that I think I need to do.

I have said before in another forum it is very easy to convince ourselves in isloation that our thinking is the only and best option. I agree sometimes we do need to be brought down from the clouds and be shown the consequences of our decisions so that we may make an informed decision.

I too ask of you Terri, if I get a little too fanciful to place a well aimed one in that tender area. At times I think we all need a dose of reality.   

Shelley

[Terri-Gene]

   "You all need to let up on Stephanie. SHe comes in and explains her situation, and you basically beat her up"

Seems to me the only "beating up" going on in here are those coming in saying that is what was happening, especially since she finally attempted to "explain her situation".   WAKE UP! Re read the thread a little closer please then look for another cause to earn a post point for.

Terri

[stephanie]

Please don't get all upset over me, everyone.  The way I was treated was fair and judicious.  I appreciate the honesty that I caught with my initial post, because you're right, it wasn't worded very well (I was nervous about coming here).  I don't hold anything against anyone or what they said about me.  I'm not asking for any apologies, because none are warranted.  I'm just happy that I got all the misunderstanding cleared up and everything squared away.

[Jessica]

*pokes head out of her foxhole*

Is it clear?

Welcome to Susan's Steph

Jessica

[Shelley]

Well done Stephanie,

I suspected nerves played a part. I too was very nervous when I first got here and still have them to certain extent. What I have found though about this place is that it's really comforting to read others stories and put in my two cents worth.

So I also send you welcome and look forward to reading your input.

Shelley

[Debtv]

To you Stephanie,

I want to welcome you to susans! LOl We are a varied group of people and we, at least those who post regular, are here because we want to help those who are like us...to not to make the mistakes we have made.

In my and my friends defence, after years of beating my head aginst a wall....if anyone even implyes thay are going to do that....it freakes me out.

Whatever...I am very glad to see you join in here.....very cool and thankyou! I feel we are alike in many ways! And i'm proud or your nerve to make this jump....good for you!

Love
Debtv

[Alison]

   Welcome to the forum!!!

I think we all need to realize that decisions can change, you might decide now that eventual surgery is the right thing for you, I think a lot of folks here have also decided that .... However, there also are folks here who have not... decisions change, I'm sure its such an overwhelming and confusing time for you...   don't be afraid to change your mind....  

Again - welcome   one of the best things to do is to get to know folks in similar situations

[Terri-Gene]

Hey Stephanie, have you given much thought to work/career? Present Job?  What would be your initial plans if you do this as pertains to life and support?

Terri

[stephanie]

I've thought a great deal about this.  If I do indeed go through the surgeries and everything (don't quite know what I'll be willing or able to do) I think, ironically, the people at my work would be the most accepting of anyone - they're a bunch of very open-minded people.  I don't see any real conflicts at work.  I'm thinking that before I just start showing up en femme or anything, I'll talk first with my boss, then if he's agreeable to it, the owner.  If she's agreeable, then I'd like to have a meeting and discuss it with everyone else - it's a fairly small business and like I said, they're a very accepting group of people.

It's my family I'm worried about, and most of my friends too.  Very conservative and "traditional."  I have a sister that's probably my best shot, almost came out to her a few days ago.  But my other sister is very religious, and my parents, while not religious, are very close-minded about things.  They might eventually come around.  I have no idea how my friends will react.

I just want to see a therapist before I do anything.  I'm going to contact one today.

[Terri-Gene]

Well, you seem to be riding the rails ok stephanie.  Work is sometimes surprising.  I know that for me, work is the most accepting, vs tolerant places  to be.  I actually enjoy going to and being at work with all the different personal interactions there.

Family matters are a constantly fluid thing though.  Close family such as spouses and children can vary on you day by day according to what heat and pressures they themselves are undergoing at any given time on your behalf.  You have to understand that and keep it in mind when they seem to be irrated at you for no apparent reason at times.

Spouses especially are hard to keep in perspective.  Usually they have a desire to hang in there and make it work, but have many internal problems with doing so.  It makes them appear to be accepting at times while deeply resenting the whole issue, thus they can run hot and cold to the extent that you never really know what to expect.

Bottom line though is it helps if you know enough about yourself and what you need to do as you can then be more honest and upfront with them about exactly what you are hoping to accomplish so you do not seem to constantly be upping the stakes on them just when they are beginning to be comfortable with what has gone on so far.  It also helps prevent future arguments that go something like "But you promised me!"

As to coming out at work, unless you do know that identifying as a female and as a woman is an important life commitment for you, then consider if it is really necessary to come out.  Many of those who are committed full time complain about not enough TG's coming forward and doing their part by being "OUT", but in reality, such things should only be done by those who have the total commitment and need to do so, as coming out in itself can be a life ruiner if you find you do not have the commitment and resolve you thought you had.  Make sure how important this is to you before doing ANYTHING in a public way.

Terri