Looking for help

[Princess Phoebe]

Hi people

Well I am MTF and at the point where I just can't deny it any longer. I've been trying to live in a world where people treat my like something is wrong with me and I go home and put on my clothes and dress up to feel better. It helps for a while, then the overwhelming urge to go out makes me feel stupid. I rationalize that I am just afraid and discount my common sense and when I do go out I get treated like a freak. And yet I don't care anymore.

I have spent too many years (almost 50 now) making everyone else happy. I figure they will say the same thing about me when I'm laying in that coffin no matter what. Why can't I have these remaining years left to be happy?

I don't have a lot of money for SRS and other nice things I'd like. My living situation is secure however, so I know I won't be thrown out on the street. So I do have some breathing room. I have be going out femme for the last few months for the first time in my life. I don't look very good because of my face and hair and body shape, but I do it anyway because that is me. I just want more. I'm afraid of doing the therapy thing because I've had some ->-bleeped-<- doctors in the past, I expect the same from any who might be availabe to me now.

I have some friends who have got their HRT over the internet and I am seriously considering it. I know it's dangerous but I really feel like it's my best option now. I can't just go get a therapist and all that is needed but I want it badly. I'm really at the point of throwing all caution to the wind.

Any help is appreciated.

[Nicky]

You know very well that there are good therapists out there. If you ask a local transgroup who is good to talk too then you can't go too far wrong.

I think it is ok to look for and ask for help. It might seem easier just to go it alone but I think things will be better for you if you get some expert support.

This is a good time to have some caution. You have had this pent up for so long it is just wanting to burst out, problem is it can make you reckless and you may regret it. Taking a little extra time to think the process through of where and how and when and who will pay off. A good therapist can help you with this.

Take care
All the best

[Cindy]

I agree with Nicky,

There is help and it is needed. Flying on alone with so much hurt in your post may make you do damage. I have to admit that in my part of the world self medication from the internet is not avaialbe. And I get comments from local girls I'm friends with that their Docs take a lot of care in getting the balance right, to avoid possible liver damage and bone damage. I've also developed great friendships with girls in my situation that do help.

Hugs
Cindy

[K8]

One more vote against self-medication.  It's dangerous, and more dangerous as we get older.

There are some bad therapists but there are many, many good ones.  If the first one doesn't work, try another.

I have been very close to where you are now.  You just want to DO something to ease the pain.  The problem is that if you head in the direction you talk about in your post, you are letting your GID control you.  No.   You want to control it.  It sounds easier to just let it carry you off, but in the long run you will fare better if you remain in control.  Don't do anything that will take the matter out of your hands.

Seek therapy, or at least a support group.  Take control of the process.  It is hard, especially in the beginning, but you're more likely to end up where you want to be - happy and fulfilled.

Good luck Phoebe.  And welcome to Susan's.   Many of us here know what you are going through.  Be tough, girl, and get the help you need.

- Kate

[V M]

Hi Phoebe, Welcome to Susan's 

I've been having trouble getting my HRT going also. My therapist is not able to write prescriptions. But he said he would try to find someone that can. Also I don't live in a very supportive area. But I'm working on it and I want to do it right

There are also online therapists that are fairly reasonably priced. When you do get your HRT going you will need a Dr. to monitor your blood levels regularly to make sure your dosing the right amounts

[Princess Phoebe]

Thank you for the feedback, ladies. I know what you say is true, that the dangers of self-medicating are just too much and, at my age I can't afford unnecesarry risks. I have an online friend who is on HRT through a doctor, she has had a lot of ups and downs and her meds have had to be adjusted a lot because of side affects.

But she also tells me the meds help her mood, that the lower testosterone level acts as a sort of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety which is another thing that interests me. Of course this is just speculation on my part. I know I need to have a doctor evaluate these things. Its just that I have used a bunch of meds for depression and anxiety and they all just suck, I hate them. But the thing about it maybe being a hormone problem really interests me. I suppose I might be engaging in some wishful thinking.

I'm not going to self-medicate, I can't that chance. I will look into finding a support group and a therapist.
PS: Virginia, Thank your for the link

[V M]

Your welcome  Hope things work out for you

[Miniar]

Can't live your life making other people happy. At least not forever.
You have to live your life making yourself happy. (If making other people happy helps you feel happy then all the better, but you have to help yourself first before you can "really" help anyone else.)

[katherine]

My therapist told me I have to live my own life, that I can't live someone else's.  I wish I had listened to her back then.  About ten years later and I've finally figured out that she was right.  So, here I go again...
As the others have said, take the time to find a good therapist.  It will make all the difference in the world.  Hugs.

[Princess Phoebe]

Katherine, it's funny you mentioned an old therapist. About 10 years ago I was seeing an excellent therapist until my insurance expired on it. I didn't go for GID issues initially but it did come up. At the time I had way too much going on to really be honest with myself about it. She kept pressing me on it and I finally said "Look, the whole idea of transitioning is just too much at this time. I can't handle all that and what I have on my plate now!" She knew it was true, so she didn't push it.

Well, I had this dream last night (no doubt a result of thinking about the advice given here) where I went to her office and I was standing out in the smoking area having a cigarette and talking to others while waiting for her to call me in, as was often the case when I was seeing her. In this dream she came out and told me the police would have me arrested for trespassing if I didn't immediately leave the premises. I was heartbroken...I clumsily attempted to explain why I came back. She just stared at me. Then as I was walking away she said, "Hey, those are really nice high heels." I was wearing some very pretty 3" strappy sandals.

Then she led me into a conference room with all these doctors and people sitting around a big table and sat me down and gave me a pencil and paper and a HUGE list of therapists and made me write them all down. I was incapacitated with fear. Everyone was quiet and watching me. I couldn't seem to concentrate.

I normally don't dream so lucidly.

[Lacey Lynne]

Can't live your life making other people happy. At least not forever.
You have to live your life making yourself happy. (If making other people happy helps you feel happy then all the better, but you have to help yourself first before you can "really" help anyone else.)

Miniar, as usual, is "spot on."  Great advice.

Phoebe ...

Trust these comments on this post:   FIND A GENDER THERAPIST!

Look, I'm 53 and very early this year had my "epiphany" like you are having right now knowing full well that I could not deny this any longer.

Both K8 above (a true friend!) and I were older and in a restricted financial situation just like you are.  We can tell you from personal experience that good therapists ARE out there.  THEY know which M.D.'s to refer you to for kind and competent hormone replacement therapy treatment!

I begin my hormone replacement therapy in just a few weeks ... thanks to my superb therapist!  Plus, the therapy itself will do you worlds of good.  It really will.  Could I afford the therapist?  Not really.  I worked overtime to pay for her.  Did I have to travel to see her?  Forty miles each way including over a 7-mile bride over WATER to get there. 

You CAN do it, Phoebe!  Get a good gender therapist ... easy to find in this, The Information Age.  Get counseling ... get hormone replacement therapy ... get happy and real ... and FINALLY be who you REALLY are!

Phoebe, I cannot really afford GRS either.  My therapist assures me that many, many girls live successfully and happily as non-ops.   I may have to go that route.  Am I willing to do that?  Yes! 

We're all here cheering for you!  May every success be yours!