Ah......the first public outing.......now that brings back some memories.
You asked for it so here it is:
Several years ago I had reached the end of my rope. I could no longer deal with repressing my desire to be female and I saw no way to continue forward in that aspect. I decided that suicide would be the best answer because I was simply not willing to live my life as a male any longer.
I had several online CD friends who lived in "The City" that had several times invited me to come to one of their "Girls Night Out" parties. I had never driven to "The City" and with my anxiety issues it was a major thing for me (just driving in my small town sometimes sent me into a panic). I had turned them down each time they asked out of simple fear and each time I regretted it. This time one of the girls, who was aware of my plan to kill myself, said "Look..you're planning on killing yourself anyways so what do you have to lose by coming here and partying with us before you do it?". Try as I may I couldn't argue her logic and I made the decision to go.
That Friday I got off work and immediately went home and started getting some things together. I was in a state of panic already and my brain was constantly trying to talk me out of going. I had printed out directions and had cell phone numbers programmed into my phone and had an emergency back up plan...all the manic things that people with anxiety issues do. At one point I stopped and I was thinking to myself "This is nuts..don't go...this is bad...bad things will happen to you...you know they will...don't go...". I sat down at my computer resigned to the fact that I had just given up, again.
There was a message from my friend which basically said something like...I know your gonna try to get out of this and come up with some excuse not to come but you are out of excuses and it's time you had a little fun, don't even try it. I felt like an idiot to be read so easily by someone who I had never even met outside the tiny little "instant messenger" box. I stood up and continued getting ready.
I got all my stuff, got into my truck and started driving. I almost turned around several times but her words kept echoing in mind. I was a coward but there was no way I was going to leave this life THAT much of a coward so I continued on. It was the longest drive of my life.....my heart was about to beat out of my chest the whole time and I'm surprised I didn't have an accident because I was so wound up.
I finally arrive in "The City" where I had never driven before and went into an even bigger panic trying to navigate through the traffic. (For those of you who don't understand severe anxiety this all probably seems very basic to you but trust me it was the equivalent of skydiving the first time for me). I FINALLY find the hotel where this GNO is taking place and sure enough there are police cars all over the entrance with thier lights on. My worst fears were unfolding right in front of me. I was not "dressed" at this point so that wasn't an issue but this hotel was known as a "alternative lifestyle" establishment and I, being the uptight former police officer that I was, was in a situation that simply did not compute.
I parked at a fast food restraunt across from the hotel and decided to call my friend and tell her that this just wasn't going to work out and I was going home. She answered the phone and I explained that the police were everywhere and I was really uncomfortable and I had to leave. She was already in the hotel and asked what the police were doing. I replied that they were talking to some woman in the parking lot. She asked what the woman looked like so I described her. She said "Oh hell....I think that's 'Lisa' (not her real name) lemme go see what's going on and I'll call you back". I agreed and decided to get some dinner while I was waiting simply to take my mind of the situation and hopefully distract the voice in my head that was now screaming "GET OUT...BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN..YOU KNOW THEY WILL...LEAVE NOW....".
Ten minutes or so had passed and my cell phone rang. My friend said "Yup...it was 'Lisa'. She had a fender bender in the parking lot but it's ok...we are waiting for you". I was thinking "Crap...now I really have to go in there". I left the restraunt and drove across to the hotel and parked. I sat in my truck for what seemed like an hour until I realized that if I didn't do something that I was going to turn and drive away thus adding another failure to my long list. I got out of the truck and walked into the hotel. My legs were shaking and if someone would have said "Boo" I would have bolted for the door.
I found the room number and knocked. I was a bit shocked when a "guy" answered the door and immediately every horrible scenerio that I had imagined was playing through my mind at warp speed. I just knew I had been tricked and this was some kind of freaky cult of kidnapping perverts who would tie me up and sell me into some bizarre black market of sex slaves (see I told you I had issues LOL). The guy at the door said "Hi...you must be Brandi..c'mon in and make yourself comfortable. The other girls are changing or haven't arrived yet so it's just us for a bit. There's booze at the bar so help yourself. You can change upstairs anytime you want.". First things first...I headed to the bar for some liquid courage. After downing two or three very strong drinks quickly I poured another and headed upstairs because I knew there was no one else up there.
I sat down on the bed trying to still find a way out of this. I guess the alcohol started to kick in because I decided..what the hell I'm here, I'm slightly intoxicated and I'm going to do this. As I got "dressed" I could hear more and more people arriving and the quiet room downstairs was now a melting pot of people loudly laughing and shouting and generally having a good time it seemed. I finished getting dressed and stood in front of the mirror thinking "If only I could be you".
I was snapped out of my little trance when someone, who's voice I recognized as the "guy" from the door, yelled "HEY!! Are you ok up there?". I answered "yes" simply as a reflex but in truth I was once again in a total state of panic. I'm not sure what prompted me to finally go downstairs but I did. It was a spiral staircase reminiscent of so many movies I had seen where the "geeky" girl goes up and comes back down "beautiful". While I wasn't comparing myself to that situation as I descended the room went went to a complete hush. I was just standing there and everyone was staring at me. The only noise came from a small portable radio blaring from a counter top.
I thought to myself "OMG..you are so screwed up they are in shock and are going to laugh you out of the hotel". The silence was broken when someone said "Holy ****, you are beautiful". I wanted to look behind me to see who else had walked down but I knew there was no one else. Suddenly the room came alive and everyone was gathering around me to ask me questions about how I chose clothes or applied makeup and all of these things that I felt so inferior about. The night was filled with all kinds of different conversations and was almost a blur to me for the longest time.
The only negative aspect was I had several people hitting on me and I was extremely uncomfortable and unprepared for that. I had to often move throughout the crowd to "escape" my fan club (shudder). Everyone was sooo nice....it was truly amazing and I was having a great time. I also found out the girl in the parking lot with the police was arrested but was being picked up at the station by one of the wives.
Somewhere during the evening there was a knock at the door and in came another CD but with her was this girl who appeared to be GG to me. Some of the others seemed to know her which confused me but I chalked it up to her just being one of those GG 'gal pals' who hang out with the TG crowd. I was intrigued by her and I caught her staring at me several times throughout the evening. In my mind she was thinking how ridiculous I must look. I learned through conversations that evening that the GG girl was actually a TS girl and I was not so much shocked as incredibly jealous.
The party continued on into the wee hours of the morning and eventually everyone left except for myself (who was staying the night in the room), a rather ragged older CD who was obviously intoxicated and this TS girl who had been playing eyeball tag with me all night. I was more than a little uncomfortable because the CD was one that had been pursuing me all evening and she seemed relentless. Finally I guess she figured out I was not interested and she left leaving me and 'Kelly' (not her real name).
We were sitting on the sofa together and chatting when it dawned on me that she was actually attracted to me (I am such a noob when it comes to that kind of stuff). Not sure why or what was said but we kissed and it was amazing. It was soooo much different than any other kiss I had ever had in my "male" persona. We spent the night together and that's when I explained that I wasn't a CD that I wanted to be female all the time and she discussed all that she knew. It was a life changing night to be sure and the next morning I was still in a dream like state.
We checked out of the hotel and exchanged phone numbers. She lived in "The City" so I left to drive back to my small town, thinking the whole time about her and all that I had learned from her about what being TS was. Life was different following my "first public outing", I no longer wished to kill myself and for the first time in my life I felt like there actually was hope to transition.
'Kelly' and I talked on the phone ever single day following our first meeting, often ringing up phone bills in excess of $200. I would travel to "The City" every weekend that was possible to be with her and it was costing me a small fortune. Although I found a new inner peace my job was suffering because all I could think about was her and transitioning. She suggested that I move in with her begin my transition there. She had a therapist and an endocrinologist and all the of the things that I needed to begin so I agreed.
Long story short...(yeah right LOL). That was four or five years ago and we have been together ever since. While the dynamics of our relationship have changed from lovers to best friends we are inseperable.
That, in a nutshell, is my "first public outing" and the results thereof
