Boyfriend of transgenered woman

[Stephen69]

Hi, this is my first time here and my first inquiry anywhere. First my background: I'm caucasian, 59 (on 9-16), widowed for 6 years after 28 years of a very loving marriage and 2 adult children. I met Amber 4 years ago and she is 30 years old. After we started dating she informed me there would be no intercourse for the 1st year. I agreed as I was more interested in a companion than a sex partner. Amber being transgenered never entered my mind. Amber is 6'0" and 160 lbs and very small breasts, goes braless. As I enjoy small breasts this is wonderful, but I wondered with her size why the tiny breasts and very tiny nipples?  The next thing was a rough complextion around her neck front and jaw area. She always would tuck/turn her head whenever I would try to kiss this area. After we began intercourse I noticed what I thought were incessions marks on her vagina area and the diffucility with inseration. Also the appearence  of her vagina looked different. At first the intercourse was work but then became pleasure for both of us. Amber refused to introduce me to her parents and brother and on one occassion did not want me at her apt. when friends fron highschool returned home for a visit. About a year ago I began to wonder if Amber was transgenered.  I don't recall what made me think that. A couple of months ago I listened to old messages on Ambers answering machine and girls & callers  were mentioning the name of Travis.  I asked Amber who Travis was and she told me not to ask about it and was mad that I had heard the calls.  This weekend I found a box of old photos from 1998/1999 and a job application with the name of Travis. The photos appear to be of a male with the same smile as Amber and a lot of resembalence in the face.  What do I do? Do I pretend that I have not seen the photos? Do I tell her of what I have found? Do I ask her out right if she is transgendered? I hope someone out there can give me some advice as I am confused on what I feel and what to do. Thanks in advance for any advice you have.   

[LordKAT]

If you do ask, let it be quite clear that you plan to stick around if you do indeed plan to. If it bothers you to the point of wanting to separate, make that clear too. She may just want to stay stealth if she has transitioned. I'm not saying she shouldn't tell you but I just thinking of why she hasn't already. Tear of losing someone or being outed to others would likely be a big one. No matter your decision to remain in the relationship or end it, please keep her status to yourself as it could affect her whole life outside of your relationship.

[Stephen69]

Thanks for your reply. I'm wanting to continue our relationship as we have a great time together and I enjoy being with Amber.  I'm concerned about why she hasn't said anything. Does she not have faith that I will still be there for her? Time will tell. Thanks again.

[finewine]

Stephen, I realize it can be a surprise but Amber probably didn't say anything for a number of reasons...not least of all is that she's almost certainly been through a challenging and difficult transition (I don't think I've ever heard of an easy one).

Furthermore, she is now a woman and wants to be treated as such - not an ex-boy, not a transsexual (not any more, as she's completed her transition) - just a woman.  As such, reminders of the past are often sensitive and unwelcome topics.  If she does not want to disclose, then you MUST respect that - if her past doesn't bother you, then let sleeping dogs lie.  If it does, make a gentlemanly exit as painlessly as you can.

Good luck!

[SarahFaceDoom]

I would talk to her about it.  Relationships only work when both parties are willing to confide in the other.  If you don't talk to her about it, it will eat at your relationship.  It's obviously bothering you enough to come here and talk about it, so you should talk to her about it. 

[K8]

I agree with the others, especially Sarah.  Relationships work best if both are open and honest as you go forward.  As Dana said, perhaps you can buy her flowers or do something else that recognizes the woman she is.  Let her know that you plan to stick around regardless of her background.  Let her know that you love her as she is and that you understand that what she went through in her past made her the person you now love. 

If she can't bring herself to talk about it, let her know that you understand that it is hard for her but you will be ready to listen when she can talk.

This looks like a time for gentleness and constancy on your part.  Be patient.  Amber may be unsure of how you will react.  She may have too many bad memories.  Just be there for her.  And wait for her to be able to open to you.

*hugs*

Kate

[Virginia87106]

Yes, I agree with everyone.  But I would add the the secrecy that she is exhibiting and demanding of you is not fair.  In my opinion she should have told you before intimacy.  That being said you seem to love her and want to stay with her, and it can only work if you make her feel absolutely comfortable and accepted, and she tells you everything, and you guys go off and live happily ever after.

[StephenL]

Hi everyone, thanks again for your kind words of encourgement. I talked with my doctor today and he is in agreement with your views. My plan is to invite Amber for drinks and dinner on Friday at a neighborhood restraunt. Who ever suggested flowers that is a great idea, thanks.
I will tell Amber that I am still in love with her, that I still care for her just as much and that I want our relationship to continue, if not as a couple at least as good friends. I plan on informing Amber that I am aware of Travis and her transgender. Also I will ask Amber to, when she is ready, explain to me why she did not want to disclose her transgenderness? to me. I have experienced a loss of a loved one and I do not want to experience another one, at least not yet, even though I know sometimes we do not get to choose when the loss will occure. Again I say Thank you to all who have responded. Your thoughts have helped me as I began this journey and I hope some day I may be able to assist you in yours. God bless you all, Peace & Love, Stephen.

[LordKAT]

Good Luck Stephan

[placeholdername]

Yes, I agree with everyone.  But I would add the the secrecy that she is exhibiting and demanding of you is not fair.  In my opinion she should have told you before intimacy.  That being said you seem to love her and want to stay with her, and it can only work if you make her feel absolutely comfortable and accepted, and she tells you everything, and you guys go off and live happily ever after.

I don't think it's fair to have an expectation that a transgender person will tell you before you are intimate.  I realize that a lot of people would prefer it this way, but it's exactly that, a preference, NOT an expectation that you can put on someone else.

[Hannah]

If you must rip this girls heart out, at least have the decency to only mention that you were snooping in her things. If you talk about her "rough complexion", "tiny nipples" and "incisions" you may as well stab her in the chest.

She has been through a severe trauma. Imagine that you were born disfigured and even though the cure was right there nobody would help you or even cared; and set up absurd obstacles to your getting to it. As cheerful as we all might seem, more often than not our lives are living hell. We smile and joke to keep from slicing our wrists. If she doesn't want to talk about it, and tell someone I assume she does/is trying to love, what's the thing?

[SarahFaceDoom]

It's weird that she's supposedly stealth, while having people call her phone and use her old name, as well as having old photos just lying around.  I'm not stealth, and that never happens to me.

The other side of this story is that she may not be transgender at all.  She could also be having an affair with this Travis person.  Or some other complicated thing.

[K8]

I really think it is up to Amber to decide to disclose.  Stephen, your stance should be to be open and supportive, but ultimately it is up to Amber to decide whether she should disclose (assuming she is TS). 

You don't know her history.  She may not have the strength to talk about it yet.  Be patient and receptive, but don't force her - that will only cause more trauma for her.

If the fact (assuming it is fact) that she is TS isn't a big deal to you, don't make it a big deal.

- Kate

[Lacey Lynne]

There are so many excellent and wise replies here already, I wasn't sure that I had anything worthwhile to add, but I think that I do, so here goes:

Stephen, you are 59, correct?  I'm 53.  Notice that some others here are in our age demographic.  Here's my point:  Communicate honestly and openly with her like the others here suggest to do.

If she and you genuinely "click," connect, have an affinity, then it's a relationship worth pursuing, in my opinion, especially since you are older.  The plain but sad truth is that a good relationship does get harder to find as we age.  It sounds like you've got the makings of a possibly excellent relationship.  Why not work it out?

Yes, I know ... I know ...  I grew up with the 1950s mindset too.  So did K8 and some of the others here.  Look, that was then, and this is now.  It's a whole different world today.  See if you can make this work ... for the sake of both her and you.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth.  Good luck!   

[StephenL]

For Becca, Where did you get the idea that I wouldf "rip the girls heart out"?
Amber means so much to me and I believe that I mean just as much to her. The only thing I am seeking concerning her transgenderness is for her to be able to tell me what she wants and when she wants to. Yes I have so many questions that I would like answered. I hope she has the belief and faith in me and our relationship that she can tell me anything and I will accept her answers and be even more supporative of her and understanding as much as I can be of what she had to endure and what she is still enduring. Thats all I am asking for. So please do not judge me as I am here to seek information and advice on how to proceed. Thanks, Peace & Love, Stephen.

[Hannah]

I'm sorry for judging you. I think Finewine is the smartest guy alive (and cute too), and I want to pull his girlfriends hair. Maybe listen to his advice too instead of some cynical, frustrated, angry little bitch like me 

I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. For whatever reason your girlfriend has chosen not to share her past with you, and in my opinion you should respect that and not push the issue. This isn't a standard "honesty" issue, this goes right to the core of her being and sense of individual self worth. I know it's interesting to outsiders, but for us it's not cool, it's not fun and we long for it to be over. If you tell her you figured her out, it will most likely, as I said, rip her heart out.

A normal, loving relationship with a hetersexual man is a dream for most of us. Did you know you were her dream? As soon as she knows you know, that's contaminated. If you do love her, then just love her sweety and let it be over for her.

[StephenL]

Becca, your forgiven. I may of came down to hard on you. I know you were only wanting to be helpful and I thank you for that. I better understand now what you first said and will take your comment under advisement. How can I pretend not to know?  I'm not good at keeping truth hidden or lying. My only reason is for understanding of what Amber has been through and to express to her that I love and support her fully to the best of my limited ability. Thanks again to all for your imput. Peace & Love, Stephen.
Post Merge: September 11, 2009, 01:47:54 AM
Hello everyone. Well I will have a few more days to think about/plan on what to say to Amber.  She will be out of town until Sunday afternoon for a job interview. Amber has her Masters in Theatre Arts and is seeking a position as a Dramatrug. Tonight we got together for a glass of wine and so I could wish her well on her interview. We also got together physically and I am glad to say the sexual attraction I have for Amber is just as strong as ever. I was afraid that I wound not want to have intercourse so that was a huge relief for me. I am still open to your ideas, comments, thoughts on how to discuss Ambers transgenderness and my feelings for her. So keep your opinions coming as I can use all the help you have to offer. Does anyone know of any books, articles, etc. I can read on this subject? Thanks again and God bless. Peace & Love, Stephen 
Post Merge: September 14, 2009, 01:43:13 AM
Hi everyone, Thanks again for your comments, thoughts and prayers. They were all appreciated. Well I met with Amber tonight after her return home. We went for dinner and I gave her flowers which just happened to have a butterfly included. Amber loved them. Amber was reseptive to what I had to say and invited me to her house to continue the discussion. We had a great talk, shared laughs and tears. If its possible I believe I love Amber more. Hearing her tell her story gave me a new appreceation for what transgenered person are living with. I wish it was possible to meet each of you and give you a hug. Thanks for being there for me when I needed someone to listen to me and give me advice and encourgement. You are my heros. God bless you all. Peace & Love, Stephen.