You know, we all probably have had bad things happen to us on account of being trans-whatever. It probably can also be safely be said that we have the issues that come with it on the forefront of our mind almost constantly.
I had dinner last night with one of my friends and she pointed out over the conversation that she thinks of me as a woman. However it seems I am hell bent on pointing out to her that i'm different. That I seem to take pride in my difference. In some ways I suppose I do, I know I think differently then most people when it comes to life and the world. But that isn't why I talk about it so much.
I have a tendency to think out loud, and when I point the fact i'm different out it is more for myself then the other person. I AM different, and I will never be normal. The very fact I wish to live as an ordinary woman is in itself extraordinary. Most women don't have to worry about when a tuck goes bad. Most women don't have to shave everyday, or if they get lazy be sure to wear something that doesn't show hair on their chest. Most women don't have to deal with being over 6' tall and even if they are have the figure that undeniably says "i'm a woman". I don't have those luxuries.
No, I am the woman who grew up a boy. I'm the woman who was beaten up for doing what she felt was honorable and leaving the military instead of trying to live a double life. I'm the one who is perhaps to blame for my friend being stabbed RIGHT BESIDE ME because I didn't pass and she did. I am the woman who can't let the wall between me and the rest of the world crumble or I could end up dead, or worse, someone I care about.
I can't relax, not even a little, as long as this...THING is between my legs. I can't socialize with men because of the tree options they have to respond to being attracted to me the risk of them becoming violent is to pervasive. Perhaps when, or if, I somehow manage to get my surgery I can relax if but a little. I know it won't cure my problems, but I won't have to worry about a bulge or someone accidentally seeing or feeling something they shouldn't. I might someday even be able to be a wife like I always wanted. But I know I wll never, NEVER be able to walk away from this even if I were to stop my transition and go back to being a boy today.
I'm an outsider, there is a wall between me and the rest of the world. I will never be normal and i'm not sure I would want to be. But that doesn't change the fact that even with all the friends I have and hopefully will make that there will always be a wall between us.
