When Do You Tell?

[Shana A]

When Do You Tell?
Filed by: Guest Blogger
September 10, 2009 3:30 PM

http://www.bilerico.com/2009/09/when_do_you_tell.php

Editors' note: Monica F. Helms is the president of the Transgender Americans Veterans Association.

One of the most controversial subject matters in the transgender community has to do with when to tell a new or potential love interest about your trans status. Logic dictates that this question should be a "no-brainer," in a world where trans violence has become as common as rain. However, when talking about trans people in love, specifically trans women, one can flush logic down the toilet.

In a previous article, "Stuck in Loneliness", I pointed out the many things that make trans people lonely. From personal experience, I can tell you that the feeling of loneliness can be debilitating at times. For many trans women, anyone who comes along to take away that loneliness would be considered a golden find. For a post-op, to keep this person in their lives, they will spend hours of time and a great deal of energy justifying why they should not tell them about being trans. The fear of loneliness does that to them.

[fae_reborn]

If a man does not want to be with you because at your birth, the doctor slapped you on the ass and pronounced, "It's a boy!" then you shouldn't care if that man leaves you. He's just another frog in the journey.

This is why self acceptance is sooo important.  If one is placed in that situation, it helps to say "He wasn't the one." and know that there's nothing wrong with you because he left.

It doesn't matter how much psychobabble one wants to use to justify in their own head that they don't need to tell a potential lover, but they place themselves in danger by not starting off with a level of trust.

By not telling, you are basically playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun.  The article is so poignant and it's true: You have to start from a level of trust.  This is true for all relationships.

Lesbian trans women or straight trans men should not think they are totally safe, because women have been known to cause harm as well. Besides, some women could call a person to come over and "bust your kneecaps."

This applies to me, so I am still careful despite the fact that I am interested in other women.

The most sensible thing to do for a pre-op would be to tell the person in the early stages of your first conversation, before dancing, before holding hands, before kissing and especially before you find yourself in his bedroom.

Certainly before any kind of physical relations (i.e. bedroom), but I don't know if I agree with the dancing or kissing part.