The endless cycle of self hate

[Carolyn]

I hate myself, I hate everyone around me, I hate people in general. Why do I hate all of this? The answer to this, begins the cycle all over again.

I hate myself for the following reasons:

I am a transsexual.
I was driven by fear most of my young life not to say things sooner.
I allow myself to be hurt by those around me.
I hurt those around me.

I hate everyone around me for the following reasons:

They hurt me
They Have made my life a living nightmare
When I try to defend myself, they close themselves
When I try to teach them what is FACT and what isn't, they close themselves.

I hate people in general for the following reasons:

They cause pain
They hate each other over such redundant things
There is no hope for our species if we continue down this path

Much of those people hate me for me being me, which in turn causes me to hate those who hate me, which in turn I hate myself for hating them, which in turn, ect. The cycle begins anew.

I have a GREAT distaste for the LGBT community however I am apart of said community, which in turn cases more self hate. I do not belong among my own ilk, yet I cannot pull away. I see this world with eyes yearning and envious.

I just have to ask, why?

Why why why why why why why!?

I have been trying to break the cycle, but as of yet I cannot. I can't find a reason to let go of my anger nor my hate for those who have hurt me. I see no end in sight. I just don't know, but I haven't given up yet.

If I can't break the cycle, I'll be just another victim of fate, another lost face.
I'm just at my wits end, with no where to run and no where left to hide, but I don't have the energy to fight...

[Sandy]

Carolyn!

There is nothing I can say, my sister, that will lift the burden off your shoulders.  But know that I was once were you are.  Your cries strike such a resonant chord in me.  It is almost like looking in a mirror.

It does seem like an endless cycle of depression and sadness and the days are grey and without joy.

But also know that it can get better.  The days of hatred and loss can be turned to joy and color beyond your imagination!

You must take the steps, though.  If you aren't in therapy, please do so.  You need guidance to help you understand who you are.  You will also need to have a therapists recommendation to get on HRT if you think it is appropriate.  And other medications as may be appropriate.

You can walk your way out of this.  You can break the cycle.  You may feel that you are stepping into the abyss.  If that is the case, then you may be on the right track, for that is how I felt.

Please know that you are cared about.  We are here for you!  We love you!

Please, my sister, if you have any questions, feel free to post them or if you want you may PM me as well.

Be well.

-Sandy

[NicholeW.]

Hate tends to feed on itself. Most of it seems to begin as self-loathing. That appears to be an all-too-easy thing for someone with a transsexing history to feed in themselves.

There's no secret passage through and past that hate, except learning to find positive values in one's self, and living them regradless one's circumstances and past.

Gandhi-ji's words have been used and used again: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Nothing wrong with saying the words, but to live them takes a lot more than saying them does.

Perhaps Gandhi-ji might have added, "but you're gonna have to bust your ass to make that change in yourself. It's a very difficult task to accomplish."

The past is just the past, it affects one, but doesn't have to be the mould in which one forever lives her life.