When are we considered done transitioning? Who decides?

[MaggieB]

I went to a TS support group over the weekend.  They know me pretty well there including the three therapists that shepherd the session.  The therapists were not the ones I went to for my transition, however.  They all know I have had surgery and am legally female including all documentation such as passport DL SS etc.  Those were completed in the spring of this year.  They know I wrote a book about my life and in fact all three have a signed copy. 

This time in group, I was discussing some issues of my past that are coming back to deal with again because a relative has contacted me.  After some explanation of the background, I was suddenly in the position of being treated as though I was not finished with transition.   This confuses me because I was in a mentor-like status there and now I am considered to one needing assistance with gender issues?

Gender issues weren't my issues that I brought up.  I have an aging mother who disowned me not over gender but money issues and now twenty years later, she is 95 and I have been contacted to possibly go see her.  I went to group to be with friends and other trans folk.  We have both FTM and MTF people.

So I thought I would ask here for opinions, just when is it that transition is done?  Do we say it is done or is there some fixed criteria that says it is done?  If we have general problems with life after it is done then are we back in the transition state?

Maggie

[Julie Marie]

It's done when we stop 'trying' and just 'be'.

Julie

[Miniar]

You're done when "you" are done.

[MaggieB]

I agree with both of you.  I stopped seeing my regular therapist months ago because we both considered my transition to be complete.   I am just trying to figure out why someone else would consider me otherwise unless it was that I had a problem.  Maybe the therapist just forgot that I am done.  It just felt funny to be referred to that way. 

Maggie

[myles]

I could see why you would feel weird being referred to that way. I also believe you are done when you say you are done
Myles

[Sandy]

Hon, like everyone else said, you're done when you say you are.  Just like the diagnosis for GID is because you say you are.

I'm confused though, was it the therapist that said you weren't done?  If so, that is seriously wrong.  They should really know that.

-Sandy

[MaggieB]

Hon, like everyone else said, you're done when you say you are.  Just like the diagnosis for GID is because you say you are.

I'm confused though, was it the therapist that said you weren't done?  If so, that is seriously wrong.  They should really know that.

-Sandy

Yes, the lead therapist in the TS support group said it to me and repeated it again in an email.  He knows me pretty well as I have been going to his group for two years.  It has become a safe social gathering of trans people in our area.  I'm thinking he just for some reason has to have forgotten that I am done. I showed him my new Birth Certificate with the female gender marker last spring.  It was sort of a celebration then.  I just thought that because I was worried about how to deal with my mother, that it was a sign to him that I had regressed or something. 

What I was worried about was if I should go see her even though she was abusive to me for most of my life or let her pass away never seeing me.  For the first time in over twenty years, I now know where she lives.  Should she know she actually has the daughter named Margaret that she wanted?  It was this that I was talking about.

I had a bit of a hoarse throat that day so my voice may not have been as good as usual but I was really nicely dressed. I wore a floral peasant skirt in reds, teals on a black background and a matching teal top with a red shirt jacket and dark red beaded necklace and black flats. He complimented me right away as soon as I saw him.  That stuck me as odd too because he said, "You certainly have the mastered the ability to dress properly."  I could do that almost two years ago and I always pass.  Why discuss my ability to dress now?

Oh, don't get me wrong, I think he is great and it is because I respect him so much that I am concerned that he knows something about me that I don't.

Maggie

[Nero]

off topic - but just as an opinion.
Yes, I think you should see her. I have family I came out to before they passed, and I am immeasurably grateful I had the opportunity. She should know she had a daughter. It would be sad for her to go without knowing the real you.
Just my opinion.

[sd]

Maggie,
You are done because you say you, and this isn't a gender issue.

While this may be gender related because of your position, it could easily apply to anything in your life. What if you hadn't transitioned, there is a chance you would question seeing her would you not? I think the therapist was too quick to put blame on GID. It's not your GID being the problem here, it's your relationship with her which has been strained for many years.

While I know therapists in general are there to help, some are also looking to line their pockets. I also wonder if maybe it was a bit of a power play for his benefit. You being "done" and an author, he may see you as a threat to him leading the group, he had to re-establish dominance and show the others that they may need more therapy than they think. There is a lot that could be read into how he reacted, all of them seem wrong.

I can't tell you if you should or should not see her. Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish, what will likely occur, and then make a decision. What you are facing is a relationship decision, not a gender issue.

[sneakersjay]

We decide.

I no longer see my therapists, but do meet with a group.

That I someday plan on lower surgery doesn't mean my transition isn't currently complete.  In the eyes of the federal government, I'm male.

Fully transitioned people can still have issues to work out wrt transition, but that doesn't mean they haven't fully transitioned.


Jay

[Janet_Girl]

As the saying goes, "Stick a fork in you, you're done".  As the others have said "you are done when you say you are done".  End of story.

And I hope that you get the chance to have your Mom met her new daughter.  I just wish my folks were still alive to met their daughter.



Janet

[MaggieB]

Thank you all for your comments.  I found it strangely upsetting when I was told I was still transitioning because to get to the place where I am was such an accomplishment for me. I had lots of obstacles and opposition to overcome.  It felt fantastic to arrive at legal womanhood.  To have been considered that it isn't enough got to me.  He may not have had that in mind at all.  As Leslie Ann pointed out though it could have been a power play.  I won't ever really know and frankly I am hesitant to return to group.  I am really isolated in my daily life so it was one of the only ways I had to be with people. Losing that will be hard.   

I asked my cousin to show my mother a recent picture of me and to let her see my email to him where I came out.  That may happen on the 25th.  Going to see her will be a financial hardship as she lives on the east coast and I am in California.  I don't think I can afford to go when I need money to move in December when our lease runs out.   I don't want that to be the deciding factor but it is curious that it was money that was the catalyst that separated us back in 88.  She has had a comfortable nest egg all this time while my family and I went homeless. 

Maggie

[Northern Jane]

I was done the day I woke up in the hospital at age 24. After that it was just growing up and making up for lost time.

[aurora17]

That's probably a difficult question, transition is not only physical, but also mental...
You have to adjust to your new female role even after surgeries, paperworks, etc are over.
It is probably going to take years.
Maybe someday you will forget having been born in a male body altogether, and that day you can say that your transition is over.
I myself wish someday I will keep only memories of the female me.

[Buffy]

There is a number of aspects to transition, physical, mental, paperwork, financial etc. It may be a combination of these aspects which lead you to define when transition is over for you. For me it was when I received my GRC and was able to change my birth certificate, although I was still paying for my surgeries 4 years after completing them.

I see a lot of people who end up being career transsexuals and cannot break away from the fact that transition is a process and does have a defined end. Yes you cannot fully escape your past but it does not mean that you cannot have a future and enjoy the life that you have earned.

Buffy