What was or is your BIGGEST FEAR in transitioning?

[Janet_Girl]

I so agree Julie.  We ride the coat tails of the GLB movement and never strike out on our own.  But many seem to want to go 'stealth' and not be outed to the world.  And maybe with good reason, but our GLB brothers and sisters have come out to the world.  Is it not our time to show the world that there are many of us, and that we are not going to disappear?


IMHO,
Janet

[K8]

I know how extremely happy transitioning makes me, but at the same time I always feel a little uncomfortable "closing a door" - even if I am opening several others at the same time.

I assure myself - I've left hell and as tempting as it is, looking back to where I came from just might land me back in there. It's time to move ahead.

I can relate to this.  In the beginning I had to close off who I was to become who I need to be, but I find that I am just now getting to the point where I can let a little of who I was return.  I'm not going back there - no way, no how - but I'm gradually cracking the door open to let me - all of me - live.

- Kate

[Debra]

Wow most of the fears posted ring true in my heart too.

[Natasha]

health complications & not being able to have grs due to that.  i didn't want to be a chick with a penis.

[Arch]

And maybe with good reason, but our GLB brothers and sisters have come out to the world.

I don't see their situation--that is, that of cisgender GLB people--as quite the same thing. Maybe if their goal were to become straight (I guess a few have that goal)...but then they would be dropping out of the community once they achieved their goal. Sort of like a lot of us do.

Quite a few trans people that I know are not pleased to be considered a part of the GLB community, whether we ride on their coattails or not. And gay people stay gay...whereas a lot of us consider "trans" to be more of a passing condition; many trans folks, when they are "finished" with transition, are done with the community and just want to live regular lives. After living so much of our lives in the wrong body and social role, we just want to live life in a way that seems right. Make up for lost time, maybe. After all the pain and struggle that many of us go through, I can't really blame them.

And I might be one of them someday. I'm a very private person, a pretty shy person. I'm no activist.

Tough call.

Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

If I read the question right, a parallel query might be, "What scares you most when you are driving on the freeway?" And your response is, inexplicably, "While I'm driving on the freeway, my biggest fear is that I will never drive on the freeway." Um, but you ARE driving on the freeway.

With that said, my biggest fear about my transitional process while I was medically transitioning was that I would lose my partner.

My biggest fear about transition before I decided to transition was...to make the decision to transition. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too scared to do it. Then, suddenly, I wasn't.

Once I had actually made the decision, I became more and more afraid that something would fall through and I wouldn't be allowed to transition. I think the most stressful day of my life was the day I got my first shot. I was terrified that I wouldn't actually get it.

[perfectisolation]

Confidence is an issue. To me it seems like the bar is set real high for men, and I can't pole vault! Socializing as male is another bad one. I'm a loner as much as I'd like to be more friendly or outspoken, I can't.. It's a personality trait set in stone, much like my GID.

Oh, but the worst part is living with the twins and their crazy, unpredictable, messy, high maintenence, load of #$*(#$@( p&#&ing me off, g** d%(#*%% disgusting Aunt Flo. aarghhhhhhhhhhhh ....

[pretty pauline]

Just to be excepted by my brother who was the closest to me, I also had a fear of srs, I knew very little about it and the surgery at the time, but my Mam actively encouraged me to have it saying it would complete things for me in everyway, my Mam kept up the pressure till I finally had the surgery in 1985, 12years after I started my transition, I was glad it worked out health wise, my Mam was trilled I was finally her daughter in every complete way.
I now have a BF who I hope to marry

[K8]

Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

You have a good point, Arch.  My biggest fear before starting transition was that I would become a freak in others' eyes.  Once I started transition, with a lot of support from those I had so feared would reject me, I was afraid that it wouldn't "take" somehow and I would become a freak.  In my down times, I still have that fear.

- Kate

[GenB]

My biggest fear is the loss of my family.  The feeling is without them I lose an integral part of myself.

[Just Kate]

Having to tell the man I fell in love with about my past.

As an addition, being able to find a guy who is okay with my past who shares my morals/beliefs.

These are some of the primary reasons I stopped transitioning, that and the sadness that came with deceiving everyone about my past and not feeling able to be open about myself.

[CodyJess]

Biggest fear? I have a few, but my biggest one would be therapy.

I didn't spend my childhood thinking I was the wrong gender; I didn't spend my childhood considering my gender at all. I spent it surviving, learning to adapt to various other psychiatrist-bill inducing experiences. I'm afraid that a therapist will either discount my desire to be the man I feel I am as the result of how I grew up, or try and work back through all that other crap before they'll address my 'gender issue'.

That because it isn't a life-or-death matter to me at this point in my life they'll think it isn't serious enough and just tell me to piss off and learn to live with it.

Also, I've had nothing but frustrating, useless experiences with therapists so far in my life. It'd be my luck that the one time I go to one because I want drugs to fix my problem (for a change), they won't give them to me.

So, therapy, and being denied.

[Kay]

My fear, in a word:  failure.
.
I don't fear the dangers of hormones, the pain of surgery, or temporary social strife that is guaranteed to come with transition.   
.
What I fear most is that such social strife will continue for the rest of my life.  Simply trading an internal hell for an external one.  Perhaps mostly due to my doubts about my ability to pass, whether due to starting HRT later in life, or whether due to lack of funds for procedures that could otherwise prove helpful (FFS).
.
I try to remind myself that I'm just beginning, and to give it time...to wait and see.  Time can change many things.  But the fear of ultimately failing at the end of the road does tend to nag at my thoughts at times.

[aubrey]

I don't see their situation--that is, that of cisgender GLB people--as quite the same thing. Maybe if their goal were to become straight (I guess a few have that goal)...but then they would be dropping out of the community once they achieved their goal. Sort of like a lot of us do.

Quite a few trans people that I know are not pleased to be considered a part of the GLB community, whether we ride on their coattails or not. And gay people stay gay...whereas a lot of us consider "trans" to be more of a passing condition; many trans folks, when they are "finished" with transition, are done with the community and just want to live regular lives. After living so much of our lives in the wrong body and social role, we just want to live life in a way that seems right. Make up for lost time, maybe. After all the pain and struggle that many of us go through, I can't really blame them.

And I might be one of them someday. I'm a very private person, a pretty shy person. I'm no activist.

Tough call.

Anyway, I was reading this thread and planning to respond, but I'm thrown off by so many people who seem to be going in a direction that doesn't quite make sense to me. Perhaps the question is ambiguously phrased. I thought the OP wanted us to discuss our biggest fear about the process of transitioning while while we were transitioning. If this is the case, I don't understand why people are identifying "not transitioning" as their biggest hang-up. Seems to me that this is more of a pre-transition fear or a climactic fear (with transition as anticlimax, I guess), unless you mean to say that you were afraid that you wouldn't transition well. For a lot of us, isn't the fear of not transitioning one of the factors that forces us to transition--our feeling that it is worse to not transition than to transition?

If I read the question right, a parallel query might be, "What scares you most when you are driving on the freeway?" And your response is, inexplicably, "While I'm driving on the freeway, my biggest fear is that I will never drive on the freeway." Um, but you ARE driving on the freeway.

With that said, my biggest fear about my transitional process while I was medically transitioning was that I would lose my partner.

My biggest fear about transition before I decided to transition was...to make the decision to transition. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too scared to do it. Then, suddenly, I wasn't.

Once I had actually made the decision, I became more and more afraid that something would fall through and I wouldn't be allowed to transition. I think the most stressful day of my life was the day I got my first shot. I was terrified that I wouldn't actually get it.

Congratulations. Here's your cookie....and WOW you invalidated most of the responses and get to feel superior to us also! Hope you enjoy.

[Autumn]

Around a year ago I started coming out as trans to my friends in real life. Previously I'd told mostly online friends (a few I met in real life, too) or some of my sex partners only.

Friday night we threw together a small party, and the cast ended up being people who I genuinely like a lot. Someone who I'd only known online but who knew a few other folks showed up. She's a sociology graduate and had asked me lots of questions online, but meeting me for the first time, she had a lot more questions. We all talked quite a bit about my GID. Mostly, there was a lot of sentiment about "Now that the topic is breached, DO WE USE HIM OR HER BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WE'RE F-ING CONFUSED WHAT YOU WANT AT THIS POINT TELL US SO WE DON'T OFFEND YOU" simply because I never really demanded anything from them.

To me, demanding female pronouns is something I've been afraid to do. I don't feel passable enough, even though I pass a lot. I told them as much, but after a few hours (and many drinks), I did flatly say I prefer female. And at some point in my vodka haze realized everyone was using them.

And I felt like a real person for the first time. I didn't have to worry, like I do while at work, that any random inflection or angle of my face would out me to somebody who's been calling me she - my friends understand and don't care, because they do care.

Feeling like a person is warm and fuzzy.

I realize that I don't demand female pronouns from people because of the same reason I don't dress up in overtly female clothes. I'm afraid of being denied; of failure.

I've had it pointed out that passing as female while working at a hardware store probably means that if I actually dressed girly, I'd pass a lot more. 

I do have several people in my life who tell me that they don't see me as being gendered. There's no he or she, there's just Malename. Which is actually a nice concept - gender is such a screwy thing anyway, that it's nice to be liked and loved for being the person you are, not the gender you are. I am worried about fully transitioning in their eyes, but I'm sure as time passes it'll get easier.


My biggest fear, I think, really, is having a successful life after transition. And meeting the right people. And... the idea off losing women as lovers scares me too... because most women don't want to be with women, and I *still* find myself getting crushes and attraction towards girls. I figure it's going to be a lot of heartbreak when I fall in love with someone who says "if only you were a boy..."

[justme19]

trying to tell my parents.

[K8]

This:

And I felt like a real person for the first time. I didn't have to worry, like I do while at work, that any random inflection or angle of my face would out me to somebody who's been calling me she - my friends understand and don't care, because they do care.

Feeling like a person is warm and fuzzy.

and this:

My biggest fear, I think, really, is having a successful life after transition. And meeting the right people. And... the idea off losing women as lovers scares me too... because most women don't want to be with women, and I *still* find myself getting crushes and attraction towards girls. I figure it's going to be a lot of heartbreak when I fall in love with someone who says "if only you were a boy..."

This really touched me, Autumn.  Thanks.

Life is strange, and it takes many odd turns.  But the opportunity to be yourself is a true gift not available to many.

- Kate

[Just Kate]

Congratulations. Here's your cookie....and WOW you invalidated most of the responses and get to feel superior to us also! Hope you enjoy.

That was uncalled for.  I too was wondering about what Arch said.  Seeing all those responses that not transitioning was their greatest fear made me think that for some, there are so many fears associated with transition, that to counter that fear they instead only focus on what would happen if they didn't transition (which, I admit can be highly motivational).  It can be scary to think of transition in terms of "out of the frying pan and into the fire" and this post forces you to consider that possibility.

[Julie Marie]

Once you transition you trade one set of challenges for another.  I know of no one who transitioned and all their problems went away.  On the other hand, I know of no one who struggles with GID who did nothing and their problems went away.

Buddha was quoted as saying something like; we always have 83 problems.  When we solve one, another comes up in its place.  When we try to have no problems we create an 84th problem.

The decision to transition should be done by weighing how life is now versus how it will probably be if you transition.  (I think most of us have a pretty good idea how it will probably be.)  Which ever side weighs more should help you in the decision process.  The fairy tale life should never be a factor in the decision making process.

Julie

[Korlee]

Failure has always been my biggest fear in almost everything.  I fear that someone else such as my doctor may suddenly decide I am not doing it right and cut me off for awhile or permanently.  I fear that I might be doing this wrong and many here or others places will look down on me.  I fear of letting the wrong people know to soon again and it costing me greatly as it already has once more.  I fear the hormones not working right and them cutting me off.  I fear failing.

Ya, its alot of fear and I some how still manage to function or try to.  However failure in my goals is always my greatest fear especially here.

[Jay]

I guess that I wont be 100% happy with myself.

Jay