on the subject of Tell or Not To Tell

[Tank Grrl]

Transsexual is a modern, culture specific term.

I'm pre-op, so I don't have to ponder this stealth stuff quite yet, but I do.

If (when I am post-op) a guy asked me "did you used to be a dude?" I could reply "no" and have no guilt about saying so. I would also be quite pissed off at the question, as would any woman.

I am NOT a "dude" or a man, I NEVER was. Regardless of what anyone else thinks.

The way I see it, is that I'm a woman who has irregular genitals.

[Fer]

There is no good answer.

Many people will tell you that we should tell someone almost as soon as we are on the first date. This is too soon. There is no trust built up at this point. The chance of rejection is huge.

Each person has their own point in time where they feel that they should tell their romantic partner. There are many factors including personal pain regarding their past, fear of rejection, fear of them outing you to the world, and the need to have a level of trust with your partner.

This information is a double edged sword with no handle. Telling someone too early can result in rejection or violence. Waiting too long can result in a partner being hurt because they feel that you don't trust them.

This information is private and should only be disclosed when the person's ready. Disclosure always has a great amount of risk.

[Jeannette]

I was right all along. 

On topic: What I said before fits here too.

Well, if you're pre-op, you've got no choice, you've got to tell.  There's no way you can hide a penis no matter how well you tuck.  If you're a post-op, you've got a choice but it's a risky one.  I've met a couple of older women that told their husbands after years of marriage.  They're still together but not every relationship's the same & not everybody's that lucky.  There have been instances when people have ended up being killed too.  Personally, I'd tell but that's just me.  Even though I'm post-operative, my fiance knows because we plan to marry in the future & there has got to be trust & honesty in a relationship before we both say 'I do'.

[Tank Grrl]

There is no good answer.

Many people will tell you that we should tell someone almost as soon as we are on the first date. This is too soon. There is no trust built up at this point. The chance of rejection is huge.

Each person has their own point in time where they feel that they should tell their romantic partner. There are many factors including personal pain regarding their past, fear of rejection, fear of them outing you to the world, and the need to have a level of trust with your partner.

This information is a double edged sword with no handle. Telling someone too early can result in rejection or violence. Waiting too long can result in a partner being hurt because they feel that you don't trust them.

This information is private and should only be disclosed when the person's ready. Disclosure always has a great amount of risk.

I totally agree with you. I was thinking more of like a first time meeting someone.

[Natasha]

hahaha  some 'mantras' are infallible!   i'd missed this thread altogether!

On the subject of Tell or Not To Tell

hubby knows.  we've known each other for a long time.

[wannalivethetruth]

I have a post-op friend and we have discussed this issue several times as she continues to agonise over that problem. 
I myself am still pre-op and far too easily read to ever have a Stealth option, so it will never apply to me, but I thought about it for a while and came up with this:-

When the time comes, rather than say "I was born physically male" say "I was born intersexed......"
Due to most guys rampant homo-paranoia it seems to me that a hetero guy is likely to be much more accepting of "a GIRL who was born with a genital abnormality which has now been corrected" than the outright proposition of transsexuality/male origins. 

To my mind, that approach has very many advantages and could be expanded and  adapted to encompass several other inconveniences so I put the idea up for discussion and comment.
Whaddya think?

I thought and i thought about this!
It's...it's...
Ah i dont know what to say!
I would say tho, that saying that you are born intersexed (with both parts and assuming your a post op TS, but lie and say you had both parts and with threw surgery to get the other part remove when you was younger) I think it is more of a easier way, but only because they may not understand us being trans and intersex kinda make that easier just a tad.

[Northern Jane]

Northern Jane commented that it made no difference, that the fact that it said Male on the birth certificate was the crux of the matter - I'd be more convinced of that if occurences of once intersexed people being rejected were cited.

Well I am only one so I would not presume to speak for others but I have experienced both - I thought I was TS up to my 40's and I was dropped like  a hot potato more than once after "the talk". In my 50's I learned about my Intersexed beginnings and it is STILL disturbing enough to a normal straight guy to throw a bucket of cold water on what was shaping up to be a torrid romance.

I know quite a few women with various Intesex conditions and the only ones that don't have major relationship problems seem to be those who were married long-term before discovering the Intersex condition.

[YoungSoulRebel]

Transsexual is a modern, culture specific term.

I'm pre-op, so I don't have to ponder this stealth stuff quite yet, but I do.

If (when I am post-op) a guy asked me "did you used to be a dude?" I could reply "no" and have no guilt about saying so. I would also be quite pissed off at the question, as would any woman.

I've noticed that this seems to be more of a realistic option for TS women than for TS men -- the way genital reconstruction looks is a huge player in this.  TS men would have to lie outrageously about why their Little Man looks and functions so atypically, but TS women end up with something that looks and behaves more like what it should and so have the luxury of just omitting that.