Your Defining Moment of Self Realization

[BrandiOK]

  I was doing some dishes and, as I often do, drifted off through the memories of my life.  Perhaps it was something I read on the forums that made me think of this but I came across my memory of exactly when I realized who I was.  I thought I would share it, silly as it may be, and hope that others will share thier experience.  I find it fascinating to see how many different paths have led to the same destination.  This is my story:


  I was living alone in an apartment and existing in a pretty mundane day to day life routine.  I had some good days but mostly bad and despite that nobody ever really seemed to notice.  I went to work, came home, went to a friends house where we usually drank ourselves numb and came home to repeat the cycle.

  I was very sad and often contemplated suicide.  I spent countless hours sitting in a chair with a gun in my mouth trying to pull the trigger.  I never really had "happy" times only times that were "less" sad and everyday was a challenge just to go through the motions of being "normal". 

  As part of my monotonous existance every couple of days I would go down to the small laundry room in my building to wash my clothes.  It was a routine that I had done so many times I rarely paid any attention to the walk. 

  One day I saw a small blue flower that had grown up through a crack in the sidewalk.  It barely caught my attention as I walked past it to the laundry room but for some reason stuck out in my mind.  On my way back to the apartment I glanced down just to verify to myself that I had actually seen it and I had.  The flower was quickly forgotten until my next trip to the laundry room a couple days later when I again noticed it.  As I had some time to reflect on things during the wash cycle I thought about that little flower.

  At first glance it was just an insignificant piece of flora that had found some soil and grown with no real purpose.  At second glance it was truly a wonderous event for it to have even survived to bloom where it was.  The sidewalk was heavily traveled and not a single other plant had managed to survive including grasses and weeds.  Somehow this tiny blue flower grew and blossomed right in the middle of the most heavily traveled area.

  It was then that I started to see a resemblence between that flower and my own life.   I too was trying to anchor myself in a spot where the world rushed by with no apparent concern for me.  I wasn't like any of the other people I knew and never really fit in despite my outward appearance of normalcy.  I too was alone and thrived on not drawing attention to myself.   I too was growing in an a place that was confined and would eventually end that growth. 

  I thoroughly enjoyed my little mental journey into the similarities of our existance and decided that if that tiny, fragile flower could manage to not only grow in such an inhospitable enviroment but also bloom into something so beautiful than perhaps I could too.  It was at that point that it all hit me....I suddenly believed, actually believed for the first time in my life, what I had always known.   I not only knew who or what I was but I accepted it as an inevitable truth.  It was, honestly, mindblowing and I stood over that little flower weeping.  I spent the next several days crying away all the denial I had stored up during my life and when I was done I felt like a new person in a new world.

  Acceptance seems like such a simple thing in principle but, for me at least, it was the single biggest hurdle in my life.  It was that acceptance that changed everything and it was all due to a single tiny blue flower growing up through a crack in a busy sidewalk. 

  I look back and I'm amazed that something so small would be the key to overcoming something so big in my life.....size truly, doesn't matter.

 

[Kate]

That's... just.... *beautiful*

Crying at work again now... this is becoming a routine, lol... must stop reading Susan's at work.

[LostInTime]

My story is not too different from others and there is no reason for me to rehash those dark times.  I had a choice:  face up to who and what I am or a bullet in the braincase.  I opted for therapy, more tears, and finding out who I really was beneath the surface (I had always known, I was just too scared to admit it and embrace my own destiny).

I have had times where I have completely forgotten that I was TS.  One did lead to a somewhat odd situation with a close friend but there was not a serious fallout from it.  He admitted that he forgot from time to time as well. 

[Melissa]

Well, I'm sure I've posted my story around here several times already. Here's a quick rehash: I went out to a halloween even, dressed as female, next day I couldn't get my mind off it, did research on the internet, and realized I was TS.  The GID got worse before it got better. 

I have had times where I have completely forgotten that I was TS. 

I have that happen often.  Most of the time I realize I am TS, but sometimes I forget.  I love those times.

Melissa

[Jessica]

I was about 13 or 14, I think I have posted this before.

I had just cleaned up the house and when my dad came home he said to me, "Damn son, your going to make somebody a great little wife."

I laughed it off, went to my room, and cried for hours.  It was then and there that I absolutely knew for sure, 100%.  I don't know why that did it, I don't understand why some stupid little jab made me realize it, but, it did.  Instead of saying what I wanted to, I decided to run away, being fairly intelligent and knowing that I probably couldn't make it on my own. I told them I wanted to go to Military School.  I worked my butt off to earn a scholarship, and I did just that.  I had hoped that Military School would change me.  Then later, I went in to the Military with the same hope.

Only my solution is a bit different.  While I know it and while I accept this about myself, I REFUSE to do anything about it, and I REFUSE to accept the current solutions to this problem.  It's hillarious if it wasn't so real.  I hate who I am (Physically), I hate the idea of changing (Because of the social ramifications of it, fear, etc...), I hate the idea of staying the same (Because I am miserable).  So, for me, if it comes to it, I'll go down with this ship, and if the storm gets bad enough, I have no problem sinking the boat.

So, yes, that was my defining moment of self-realization.

[Brianna]

I was seven. I knew something was really wrong with me. I walked past Jerry Springer and saw my first transsexual. I knew instantly that was what I was. I spent the day at the library reading about it. It was a book from the 70s and included infor about Christine Jorgenson. It scared the living hell out me. I decided instantly to always hide it.

That was a VERY depressing summer.

bri

[BrandiOK]

  I knew that I was a girl or at least was supposed to be a girl around age 6 or 7.  I found out about Christine Jorgenson from an encyclopedia in the 70's and I knew then what I was but It wasn't until that point I described above that it hit me in such a way as to actually "define" my life with such purpose.  Not sure if I'm even making sense.......perhaps it should be described more as an epiphany would be a better description because in addition to knowing I understood.

[anustacey]

i think i am still working things out in my mind but i am beginning to remember more and more some of the things of my childhood, like happily playing with my sister and her barbies for hours or even helping her set up imaginary tea parties. (and then along came 25 or more years of suppression).i wish that i could put a finger on what was the trigger that has helped me to start releasing the feminine side from the cage that i had built up. for me alot of things are just starting to become alittle bit clearer. but i think it could simply be that i have finally started giving myself permission to not be afraid of who i really am anymore. it is still very confusing for me. but i am going to try to not let the fear take control again. like some of my lakota and cheyenne teachers have told me we are responsible to ourselves for the decisions that we make,                           with thanks and love stacey an

[nonie]

Mine's a little gross.

I knew I felt like a boy on the inside since forever, but it didn't sink in how stuck I was and that being a boy inside was why I hated my body so much until I was 17.  I was walking home from school, on the first day of a period, with cramps and needing to change my pad but only had two more and no money to buy any, feeling slimy and dirty and just really unbelievably miserable.  I remember I was crossing a semi-busy street thinking about how awful it was to be a girl, and I thought "If only I were a boy..." and it was like a gunshot on a silent night, the sudden understanding.  I froze in my tracks and I don't know how long I was just standing there like that, but I realized I was in the middle of the road and kept walking.  That night was the night I told my mom I needed counseling for "depression."

Don't ask me how I got that far without figuring it out--with all the writing as and pretending to be a boy I did, thinking about what I would do and how I would behave if I were a boy, it still baffles me.  I think I had just not accepted the fact that I really was stuck with the body I was in until that night.  I had been trying to astral-project myself for years and my best guy friend and I had tried more than once to astrally project at the same time and trade bodies.

And my second one, when I actually decided I had to transition, is the same old internet story.

[BrandiOK]

I remember I was crossing a semi-busy street thinking about how awful it was to be a girl, and I thought "If only I were a boy..." and it was like a gunshot on a silent night, the sudden understanding.  I froze in my tracks and I don't know how long I was just standing there like that, but I realized I was in the middle of the road and kept walking.

Don't ask me how I got that far without figuring it out--with all the writing as and pretending to be a boy I did, thinking about what I would do and how I would behave if I were a boy, it still baffles me.  I think I had just not accepted the fact that I really was stuck with the body I was in until that night.  I had been trying to astral-project myself for years and my best guy friend and I had tried more than once to astrally project at the same time and trade bodies.

That's the feeling I'm talking about.....

[Kate]

Thanksgiving day last year, watching my nephew playing in a high school football game. It was unbelievably, painfully cold... the wind was howling across the field. Watching the clock, wondering how to make it to the end of the game.

I was at my wit's end, I had no more strength or fight left in me... and I suddenly just knew. I just knew that it was the last time I'd ever watch a thanksgiving football game as I was. I hadn't been thinking about this stuff at the time - I was entirely focused on outwaiting the bitter cold. But these things happen to me on occasion... it's like the future suddenly gets blown free and tangles with the present for a moment, and I'm left with a fleeting impression of where I'll be in the not-too-distant future. It wasn't a realization, or a choice, or a decision - just a glimpse of how destiny would unfold, and was unfolding.

Truth be told, I've *always* known I would do this. But this was my awakening into the awareness that not only would I do it, but that in an odd way, I already HAD - even though it has yet to happen.

It's just a matter of following my own footprints now.

[Mario]

I was 6 and I tried to pee standing up. I always knew I was a boy. My parents did not have a problem with me playing with boys toys and I was the athelete in the family, so that they were proud of. My dad did not mind I was a tom boy. But my mom did. She wanted a princess. Not happening. I went through my teen years being accepted by others for who I was. I always had a boyfriend, but liked girls. Never identified as a lesbian. It never crossed my mind. I wanted to be with girls but only as a boy. I created an alter ego, and it worked. People believed me to be someone different on the inside.

                                             Marco

         

[LynnER]

I'll skip the childhood end.   I pretty much allways knew...  Ive been working sence I was 12,  I had this strange notion that one day my family would pay me for what I did or give me back the wages I had made and be able to do what I need to do....   That still hasnt happened.

When I was 14 or 15 I basicly told my grandmother and Id come to her house on weekends and do chores and stuff, you know help her out and I eventualy told her.  She got me some nice jeans and a few other things and It was a wonderful bright spot in my teen years.  Well my dad one day caught me and scared the liveing heck out of me with threats and promises that I wasnt stable or educated enough to handel.  (Thinking back I should have taken his offer LoL)

I went into hard core denial till I was about 23... I was a coke adict, and a total alchaholic...  My best friend non band wise literaly got fed up with my selfloathing self destructive behavyor and really punched me inback of the head, it hurt like all get out <Im haveing to get creative with my explicitives LoL>.....  I was allready sobering up after a heck of a bender month (had to recoup eventualy) and it dawned on me why I was doing all that crud... and that I was finaly old enough, and enough of my own person to start doing something about being GID.....  thats when reality finaly hit no pun intended...

[umop ap!sdn]

I can remember when I was 12 or 13, having heard of "sex change" operations and thinking ya know what, I'd like to get one of those someday. Yet somehow I thought I was normal.

Then almost 2 years ago now, I had this dream where a scientist had done a brain transplant and put me into a female body. Wow! Ever get one of those dreams where it's all you can think about for the next couple of days? This was one of those. That's when the realization hit that the time is NOW, at 23 I still wasn't comfortable with things being as they were, and they'd only get worse if I let them.

[Owen]

 I had since early age around 6 thought of myself as a girl. My mom would have a fit whenever she caught me wearing my sister's panties and clothes. I wanted to play with the girls more than boys but eventually I did hang with a boy for a few years. Later on I went back to my female mode. I started shaving everwere hair was growing. I loved the way the skin looked nice and smooth without all the hair. At some point I reverted back to guy mode again. Peer pressure and the loss of my dad in the 80's. As being the man of the house I had to help my mom out with a lot of stuff and it was ok. There were times I wanted to just shed everything as a male and dress as female. I had to keep it locked up till I could'nt hold it any longer. I started looking on the internet and found all sorts of sites pertaining to sex change and found Susan's and here I am.

I have rediscover myself as female as I should be. Its been a rocky start as my mom thinks I am to nieve about things that I see things on the web and take it to heart. Well I don't think I am nieve. I just didn't think this all up overnight. I've had these feelings all my life. Just didn't show em.

Sorry a bit long winded.

Owen

Love being female

[Genevieve]

I don't know where my defining moment was. Maybe my therapist will talk about it sometime soon.

I know this.

When I was about 10 I saw an old Red Sonja comic book. I wanted to be her so badly. The beautiful vixen warrior with the long flowing red hair.

It was 2 or 3 years later I started my cross-dressing with garmets I'd found in a box downstairs in an old house where we'd lived. They were so soft and beautiful. I wanted to have breasts and I wanted to hide my male genetalia. I'd dress up and fold it back tightly between my legs. I loved the way I felt in front of a mirror, all dressed up. I knew then it was right.

A couple of years after that, my father found my female clothing. That's when my repression began.

Now I'm free to experience it again and I love it again. This time I'll never look back.

Gwyneth

[nonie]

I don't know where my defining moment was. Maybe my therapist will talk about it sometime soon.

I know this.

When I was about 10 I saw an old Red Sonja comic book. I wanted to be her so badly. The beautiful vixen warrior with the long flowing red hair.

It was 2 or 3 years later I started my cross-dressing with garmets I'd found in a box downstairs in an old house where we'd lived. They were so soft and beautiful. I wanted to have breasts and I wanted to hide my male genetalia. I'd dress up and fold it back tightly between my legs. I loved the way I felt in front of a mirror, all dressed up. I knew then it was right.

A couple of years after that, my father found my female clothing. That's when my repression began.

Now I'm free to experience it again and I love it again. This time I'll never look back.

Gwyneth

I sort of know a guy online who paints covers for Red Sonja.

[Julie Marie]

How absolutely beautiful Brandi! Such a wonderful way to describe our lives.

My own realization can't compare but the results were much the same, a lot of crying until I finally came to acceptance.  I've often heard it compared to mourning a death.  In a lot of ways, that's true.

Your experience shows it doesn't have to be that morbid.  Thank you for that.

[Shana A]

I knew from my earliest memories as a child who I was, but also knew that I better not say anything about it to anyone.

Fast forward to 1993 when I attended the GLBT march on Washington DC with a TS friend. At that time I was out as gay/bi and already starting to express genderqueer a bit. We spent the day marching with various different contingents, at some point my friend wanted to find the T group and we spent the rest of the day marching with approx 2 dozen TS/TG folks. I felt more at home with that group than any other that day, and the next day had the defining moment of knowing that I was transgendered. It was like a lightning bolt, and suddenly I had perspective of my whole life before that, and of never fitting in, it all made perfect sense.

zythyra

[Ricki]

Very interesting topic.  I think maybe through periods of my life I've had defining ones (not just one per say but signifigant ones that led me to one way or the other)  when very young maybe 9 my sisiter caught onto me sneaking to her clothes, actually caught me in a bra?  My mom had a very short and signifigant talk with me she said all most word for word "Ricki you cannot do this people will think something is wrong with you".  So for a few years i lived with that very basic fear that there was was something wrong with me and my own mother said it!  Another time many, many years later about 8 months before my father died (this was prior to him being diagnosed with cancer but i think he knew he was sick) he had this little talk with me told me of his youngest brother who was different (gay) and that he felt that he did not chose that life it had been chosen for him and the SIGNIFIGANT statement was he "did not understand my issues but he felt that i was not given a choice in life"...  to me this was a defining moment between us (we were never close he was a passive alcoholic who took no real intterest in his kids) because he had basically said in so few words that he acknowledged i had issues in my life and understaood i did not just choose to be that way. 
When he was sicker and home nursing we had better talks and got a little closer, shame all those years he lost being an alcoholic.  I learned from that and the things he said to me, his regrets and what if's.
Anyway those stand out in my head there are others more too depressing to wanna recall others not enough to make me happy anyway.
MY DEFINING MOMENT IN MY LIFE HAS NOT HAPPENED YET, IT WILL WHEN I DIE WHETHER THAT IS BY MY HAND OR GOD'S THEN I'LL TRANSCEND INTO ANOTHER LIFE AND BE DONE WITH THIS ONE.  NOTHING TO ME WILL BE DEFINING ENOUGH IN THIS LIFETIME TO MAKE ME WHOLE THE WAY I SHOULD OF BEEN.
sorry that is a little depressive but its how i feel about things.
Chin up as others have said; I stay busy and do things that provide trivial amounts of enjoyment to let me pass through the days with 1/2 a smile on my face!  speaking of i have to go do one of those hobbies now!
cheers
R