Confusion

[BlackFire]

So...I'm a FTM transgender, and my girlfriend is a MTF transgender.  (we hadn't had the surgery or anything, I'm still a female and she's still a male)  I've been depressed for a long time without a reason.  No matter what I did, I just couldn't figure out what was wrong.  My parents are very closed minded (helping why I couldn't figure out what was going on) so one day I was browsing the internet when I found the term "transgender" and I finally figured out my problem.  So ever since I accepted myself and it's been fine. 

Until recently.  Just out of curiosity, I asked to see my girlfriend's penis.  She showed me, and now I'm having flashes.  I'll randomly think that's it's better to just force myself to be a girl.  To just give up, and stay as I am.  I like girls, there's no doubt about that.  But today, she felt me up a little and I got turned on, and again, the thoughts of just staying and calling myself a girl come back.  But it's really hard to do.  It's depressing doing that. 

I'm so confused, I have no idea what's going on.  There's not any person to talk to here either.  My parents constantly hassle me about it (I told them, I know, it was a stupid move), the counselors in this small town LIE and tell my parents everything so I am NOT trusting them.  There are no real adults to go to, so I had to go here.  Please....can somebody help me?  I'm not quite sure what all details to add, so if you need more just ask and I'll answer.

EDIT: I know I'm transgendered.  It's obvious to me.  I'm mixed up on whether I want the surgery or not now.  I really wanted to go through with it until I actually saw a penis and now I"m not so sure. (I didn't make it clear before, sorry)

[Flan]

gender id is like the red pill from the movie the matrix: even if you reintegrate into the old role things will never be the same

it sounds like you're a minor, that would explain how your parents know what's going on without HIPAA being broken (if this isn't the case, then i recommend a lawyer pronto)

moving to a city when it is possible would be my only advice, since therapists who specialize in gender issues and medical care are much easier to obtain (see https://www.susans.org/Health/Therapists_and_Counselors/USA/ )

good luck

[BlackFire]

Thanks for the link. I'm 18, but I'm still treated as a minor because I still live at home.  I'm a long way off from getting out of here.  I can't even find a job because this town is way small.  I'm still in high school, then I have to go to college ...and blah, I'll be stuck here forever.

See right now I"m fine, while when I posted this I was mixed up.  Now I have a clear head and can think, but it'd be nice if somebody could give some suggestions (about what's going on with me) since I"m such a long ways off from ever talking with a professional.  I'm thinking it's just doubt, and that I'm mixing up sexual feelings for penis with "Hey I want my own"  (due to the general hate of the situation I'm stuck in.  Going home to a school I don't like, then going home to parents that attack me)

[Flan]

these are just my opinions, but the next thing i would recommend is to try to separate id from orientation/sexuality. (which in text is simple enough although doing it could be harder) it may be sexual (attraction to a pre-treatment transwoman) or something deeper, i can't answer that for you.

i would start with obtaining cheap throw away binding materials (ace bandage) and try binding your chest for a hour or two to see and feel how it would be being flat. then digging into the socks to make a poor mans packer. this is more a trial because everything can be reversed if you don't dig the new you

while it won't help with much, the point of that is to try and establish who you are, as male, female, something in-between, or gender queer/fluid.

good luck

(edit: italicized hour or 2 to make it clear that i don't recommend long term use of an ace bandage as a proper binder)

[BlackFire]

Do breast binders work if your chest is really small?  (like tiny...nobody notices they are there and I get confused for a boy all the time )  I'm not throwing your advice back in your face, I just need to know first before trying anything and wasting time XD

[Flan]

* Flan awaits a dopeslap by a resident guy

yeah, but with near-a and smaller binding has less value then a larger chest that needs to be managed

the point of the body image exercises is to see if a "wow" comes up in the sense of "this is what my body should be because it's what's in my head" after that, some identity introspection can begin

[BlackFire]

I see, thank you so much for the advice!

[Lachlann]

I'm an A cup and I can vouch that even though they're small it really bothers me. You have a better and easier time achieving a flat chest if you are already small. I would also be careful with ace bandages, they can mess up your ribs, but if you're testing it out and are being safe it's OK.

I'm thinking it's just doubt, and that I'm mixing up sexual feelings for penis with "Hey I want my own"  (due to the general hate of the situation I'm stuck in.  Going home to a school I don't like, then going home to parents that attack me)

That's actually not very uncommon. Some need to visualize or something to help them(strap-ons, packers, etc.) to feel whole.

[Dante]

Hmm... I agree with Flan. Try out binding and see how you feel. Packing would also be a good thing to try. Although, if you are going to do this, I would suggest doing it when your parents aren't home, just in case. Let us know how that goes and we'll try to help however we can.

[Radar]

Do breast binders work if your chest is really small?  (like tiny...nobody notices they are there and I get confused for a boy all the time )  I'm not throwing your advice back in your face, I just need to know first before trying anything and wasting time XD

You're lucky. You could try a sports bra for awhile, just for added flatness. You could probably get away with using a Frog Bra from Title 9 instead of a binder... but I wouldn't get those things at first until you sort things out.

Only you can decide if you're a transman or not. Most of us have a struggle of some type about it. I forced myself to act like a woman (though half-assed) for a long time. Embracing the fact that I am a male and not caring about what others think, acting how I want to act- it's been liberating. Many of us have been pressured and forced by family and society to "just be a woman"- even to the point of "should I transition to be the man I am or keep things the same by trying to be a woman?" Trust me- over time it will tear you apart and you'll get to the point you just can't do it anymore. I had to decide to transition or suicide- it was that bad.

Just because you're a man doesn't mean you can't like men. You're just a bi/gay man. There is a big difference between liking men and enjoying penis and wanting to be a man and wanting a penis. These are just some things to think about. In the end you're the one who has to figure it out. I would recommend talking to a therapist as well- especially one familiar with transgender issues.

[CodyJess]

Something that helped me a lot in figuring things out.

Trust yourself.

If you sit down and ask yourself if you like men, or want to be a man; and you can actually answer that question, you need to trust yourself. My biggest problem is... when I'm in a decent mood, when I'm being me, I know I'm a boy. It's who I am. When I get upset, pissed, (that time of the month...) I find myself doubting, thinking that it's all just another big made-up-story to hide the fact that I hate myself and my life. Then when my good mood returns, I find myself doubting that self-confidence I had before.

Yeah, there's a risk you'll convince yourself to be confident in the wrong thing; confident that you're a man when you're not... but the same goes the other way. You may convince yourself that you're really a girl, and be wrong about that instead. That's where 'taking your time' comes in. You make a decision, and then live with it for awhile (several months) so you have plenty of chances to doubt it and work out how you really feel.

But most importantly, give things a try, and if an answer is clear to you, trust yourself. Run with it for awhile.

[BlackFire]

Thanks for all the help, however, I think I mixed up my OP.  I know I'm transgendered.  It's obvious to me.  I'm mixed up on whether I want the surgery or not now.  I really wanted to go through with it until I actually saw a penis and now I"m not so sure. 

[Radar]

Do you mean phalloplasty? You don't have to get that done. You don't have to get any surgeries you don't want to. Though, for some things in different places you can't get info changed unless you've already had certain surgeries.

[Lachlann]

Thanks for all the help, however, I think I mixed up my OP.  I know I'm transgendered.  It's obvious to me.  I'm mixed up on whether I want the surgery or not now.  I really wanted to go through with it until I actually saw a penis and now I"m not so sure.

Not every FTM transitions through hormones or surgery. Some only go with hormones and some only get top surgery, while others feel they need the whole deal.

Very rarely do they allow you to have surgery before hormones anyway. Take it at your own pace. Everyone's needs and transitions are different.