I'm starting to get that feeling at night again. You know the one, the feeling of depression, loneliness, helplessness, just that feeling that makes you want to cry because you can't do anything but that. But then again I can't cry it out because after internalizing things for 2 years, it's just almost impossible to do.
Part of it is I'm stressed over telling my parents about my choices. I'm the type of person who feels terrible knowing that there will be pain and sadness possibly felt by my family, even though I know I can explain to them it's not their fault I ended up how I am. How do you tell your parents their eldest son wants to be a girl? I can't think of any easy way. And then on top of that, I get the feeling there might even be the backlash of misinterpretations on their part. I have a friend who is dying, and there is that slight possibility they might take it and think this has been caused by my stress. And then there is the stress of that friend's predicament as well. I'm best friends with his wife, and he has a child as well, and I just, well, it's hard to describe. I'm worrying about myself as well as them.
On top of this I went to the doctor's today to get some meds for my cold, and I've gained weight. The doctor said it's just building up of muscles because of my recent exercise, and that testosterone causes that. I wonder if she could see me cringe. Testosterone, I wanted to puke, I still do. I want out of this damn body of mine, I wanna be who I am, but I'm jobless, I'm helping take care of my friend, I can't tell my parents yet, gah!
Stress stress stress, I hate it! And then there is the worst part, is my sex drive is of course as active as ever, being a 21 year old male, and just having to relieve myself, I feel sick inside, I feel worse after than I do before.
I don't know why I wrote this all, maybe I just need to get it off my chest. Maybe I just wanna hear some words of encouragement from others like me, I really can't chat with my friends about it, they don't understand.
Well, that's it for now, thanks for reading this.
~Key~
Post Merge: November 01, 2009, 04:01:47 PM
At my parent's again for dinner. It's really awkward whenever I'm here, knowing the secret I'm keeping from them, and that I can't exactly tell them at the moment. I'm feeling more and more out of place each day in my own body, which is weird, at first when I started out with the realization of being a girl, it was well, ok, I can handle this. Now, each day that passes It gets more uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror. I shaved the other day, glad about that, but still I look at myself and I hate seeing a guy stare back. I'm only a short bit away from being able to start therapy, hopefully that will help. I guess till then I have to put up with myself, huh?
