Coming out to my friend...

[Stella Blue]

Hey everyone, lately I have been pondering ways to come out to my friends. I haven't come out to anyone yet, not even any family. But I have decided that I have no choice but to do so no matter what the reaction is and I feel that coming out to my best friend, who is a guy, first would probably be the easiest. I have passed the point of self acceptance and now I need to come out with my secret so I can move on in my journey.

Tonight when walking home with him from the bar I felt the urge to tell him and danced around the subject. We got into talking and I said there was something private Id like to say but felt now wasn't a good time. We were both drunk, he was much more so than I. In my intoxicated state I decided now would not be the best time to lay all my cards on the table. Who knows how I could have worded it, or how he would have reacted, or if either of us would even remember. So I still had enough common sense to hold back for at least another day.

That brings me to now and I still need to get this off my chest. So I believe at some point during the day tomorrow I am going to come out to him. I haven't confirmed how I am going to do it or how I am going to bring it up but its going to be done in some way. I am just looking for any advice on how to bring this subject up? Should I be direct and blunt about it? Or should I not overwhelm? Also any advice about not chickening out at the last moment?

I know either way, whether this goes well or it goes badly, this is a necessary step and needs to be done. I am off to bed for now, hopefully tomorrow I will have some comments to go by before I do this...Wish me luck... 


-Heather.

[Steffi]

Working my way round to "Have you ever known any transexuals?" worked for me before I was in role 'cos I thought that if they responded with scorn or negativity I could think again about whether to tell or not.

For generally testing the water and a little less direct, I've used "I got talking to this tall girl in a bar last week and realised/learned that she was born male....."

[Stella Blue]

Those are good ideas to test the waters first. I'll probably say something along the lines of the first one.

Tonight unfortunately we were hanging out with a few other people and it seemed intimidating to me to mention it in that situation. It needs to be one on one or at least I am more comfortable doing it that way. I'll see what happens tomorrow.... the suspense is killing me 

-Heather

[Janet_Girl]

Call him and ask to meet him somewhere kinda private but yet public.  Maybe before meeting other friends, or just you and he.  It sounds as if you are in need to tell him, sso don't wait to long.


Janet

[Chrissty]

No Suggestions from me, as I'm not out yet either...

So I'll just wish you a good outcome!

*hugs*

Chrissty

[K8]

I met each of my friends for coffee - private but public, as Janet says.  I told each that I had something I wanted to tell them about myself that I had kept secret for many years - that I am transgendered.  I told them I had been wearing women's clothes in secret since I was 9 and that finally I had decided that I needed to be more open about it.  I usually mentioned that I wanted to tell them myself rather than let them find out indirectly, and they usually appreciated that.  I didn't bring all this into the conversation until we'd been there a while, so if they wanted to leave they could.

I used the word transgendered rather than transsexual in an attempt to make it a gentler statement.  I didn't talk about transitioning unless they brought it up.  I wanted to ease into it a bit, to give them some time to get used to the idea.  I certainly didn't bring up anything about hormones or SRS or the gritty details.  Instead, I kept it pretty general unless they asked.  I was purposely vague about where all this was leading but would answer questions openly and honestly.

I tried to be positive and confident, telling them something from my heart but not troubling.  I wanted to let them know that this is just a secret I'd been keeping but it is not a bad thing.  (It isn't.)

One thing I tried to keep in mind was that, even though I had been thinking about this for years, it might be a surprise to them.

We all go about this a bit differently.  Good luck, Stella.

- Kate

[Stella Blue]

Thanks for your advice and kind words, you girls rock!  I'm going to have a private convo with him about this as soon as possible. And of course I will report back here afterward, good or bad.

-Heather
Post Merge: October 03, 2009, 08:33:20 AM
Well I did it!! Last night I told him I needed to talk about something and we went aside away from everyone, outside to talk. I used the word transgender as Kate noted and I didn't go into too many details. At first he thought I wasn't serious, but that faded quick and he realized I was dead serious. He accepted it really well, and I told him that I am still the friend he knows and I hope it doesn't change how he feels about me as a friend. He assured me it didn't and was happy that I was able to tell him this. I even cried a little lol  And was surprised to see him shed a tear or too as well. We hugged and joined everyone else inside and went about business as usual normally.

I'm so happy how this went, and so glad he accepted me. I want to come out to my other friends too but I don't want to overwhelm myself right now and will need to take more time to do that. I trust he won't say anything. I'm just glad I could tell someone, and that it went well. 

-Heather

[K8]

Good for you, Heather.   I'm glad it went so well for you.  It does get easier. 

I'm glad the two of you can still be friends.  There may be some adjustment for both of you.  During the time I was coming out to my friends I had to take a breather now and then to let things settle down a bit.  (Maybe get my heart rate back to normal once in a while. )

Go girl!

- Kate

[Janet_Girl]

Good for you, Heather.  And I hope you two will continue to be great friends. 

Janet

[Steffi]

Glad it all went well for you hun     

[Stella Blue]

Thanks!! Only concern I have now is he hasn't mentioned anything about what I said since then. Is that a bad thing, or maybe he isn't sure if I even want him to bring it up to me? It wouldn't bother me at all obviously I am comfortable discussing it. I hope he hasn't dismissed it though....

-Heather

[K8]

The friends I told early on treated it as a secret.  They didn't tell others and didn't bring it up unless I did.  Later, like when I announced it to the church, people felt free to talk about it. 

I really doubt he dismissed it.  It could be that he isn't sure what to do with the information, or he may think that this is a dark secret he shouldn't mention.  Next time you're together, you might make some off-hand remark or joke about it, to let him know that you are comfortable with it and that it is No Big Deal. 

You're on the path, Heather.  Keep moving forward at your own pace. 

- Kate