Hi all!
I'm delighted to be back here
I was a member a number of years ago, but life took control of me, completing college and other stuff and alas, I must admit, I drifted.
I am now 24, I live in Dublin, Ireland. Born physically male, but it's never worked for me. I know, Ive always known it hasn't been right. In Ireland, for the most part, people aren't as open as many other parts of the world, thus I was utterly petrified and I mean PETRIFIED of saying a word of anything to anyone.
So it's kind of strange that now, I have a girlfriend for three years, finished college, hopefully starting a new job, that I decide to get the ball rolling.
I've made an appointment with a local clinical psychologist that specialises in gender issues who can refer to appropriate people where suitable. I'm actually amazed that he's even here, as there are no SRS surgeons in Ireland. We get shipped over to the UK for treatment.
I'm 24. Like I said. I'm not old, but just a little bit past the most ideal time to do all this. I could have gone the rest of my life miserable, no, not miserable - I'm sure I would have been happy about things and from time to time enjoyed life, but I'm just exhausted of living a lie. I've lived 24 years petrified to say a word to anyone. It's soul destroying, self-destroying and more than anything utterly exhausting. I'm just tired of not being me.
Now, I don't believe myself to be gay, I'm not attracted to men, but I can't honestly say how things would work out if I was fully post op and on hormones. Perhaps that fact that I don't dismiss it outright means that should that moment arise at the right time and I was physically who I finally want to be, maybe I'd take that opportunity; I don't know.
I've got lots to lose. My parents told me when I was younger that if I was gay, they would be fine with that, to which I assured them I was not gay. But. If I were to tell them in whatever words come out that I was transgendered. What the bloody hell would happen there. In fact, I'm sure Ill have to explain the term which will just cause more stunnedness and silence. I've had a gf for the last 3 years. We get along great, it almost hurts to say she's mad about me. Last halloween I 'dressed up as her' and we went to a club. My first out experience, but I'm sure she thought it was just for a laugh. The day that
she suggested I dress as a woman for halloween I dismissed it just to seem normal-male about it, but then a few days later I said I'd try anything once. Little did she know... So anyway, while I think she may not completly freak out about my wanting to transition, I think the main thing for her would be losing her bf. Like I said, she's mad about me and I really don't know how she would feel. After my gf and my parents, screw everyone else. I don't really care what they think. They will just have to accept it, or move on. I only want friends that want me.
My whole life has been consumed with feeling this way. Every single day in living memory. My appointment with the psychologist is the 31st of this month, October. I've heard good things about him, that he puts you at ease and it's just like having a natural chat. That's exactly the type of person I need to talk to. Sweet Jesus I'm gonna need some help through this. I don't know how things are gonna pan out, but to actually be me is worth any price. I'd rather live one day as 'me' than the rest of my life living an exhausting lie.
So. That's me. Anyone who remember's me, I'm back
Anyone who doesn't, and there seems to be almost exclusively new names here, hi. I'm Sarah. Put Faith in there if you want. I'm still torn between keeping it or not. It originates from this - Sarah is the name I have gravitated towards since I was a child. Faith i something I have that I can do this. Not faith in god, but faith in myself and in the people who are around me.
I'm more than delighted to meet you all and I look forward to talking to you all about everything
p.s. If anyone knows how I could contact 'chef anna girl', I'd be hugely appreciative. A lovely lady that I talked to many years ago on this site and I'd very much like to get in touch with again.
