Meh

[BrandiOK]

  I wake up this morning and flip through the online versions of the local newspapers where I used to live as I normally do.  I suppose it sounds a bit morbid but I do this to learn if a friend or family member has died recently (I'm not going to know any other way because I'm blackballed from their lives now). 

  I see an article about my high school class celebrating our 20th reunion and I realized something.  I got invitations to all the reunions up until the time that it became public knowledge that I was TS and was living as a female now.  I suppose it could be coincidence but I doubt it.

  I had no intention of attending the reunion anyways simply due to the fact that I came from a very small, very conservative, very religion based redneck town but still I feel hurt that I wasn't invited.  It brought back to mind the fact that since I came out to my family almost 5 years ago I haven't been invited to a single family get together or even our "mandatory" traditional family Christmas gatherings.  My mother still refuses to speak to me or even contact me and other than a "happy birthday" Email once a year from my older sister they don't have anything to do with me.

  I came to a point last year that I finally said "to hell with this..I don't need them".  I had to because it was destroying me from the inside out and couldn't continue living with the guilt and sadness.  I just turned the little switch off in my brain labelled "Family" and it was done.  It was done until I read that article and the little switch turned itself back on.   

  I know that I will be able to shut them out again as soon as I push all these thoughts out of my head but until then I feel like just drinking myself into unconsciousness and dealing with the hangover tomorrow.  I just want to curl up in the fetal position and swear and curse the world and everyone in it and block everything out.

 
 
Posted on: October 05, 2006, 11:23:53 AM   My god...what did I do to my life?  I've not only caused untold grief and pain for my family but I lost the life of my best friend in the process.  I think maybe I made the wrong decision when I did this....

What a small price my suffering was in comparison to the suffering I have caused so many other people...

I hate feeling this way.

[tinkerbell]

Winds of Life

 
The wind blew and raged against the great tree,
But its roots were buried deep.
Then it blew like a gale on a well-built ship,
Yet it thrived through windswept sea.
It blew against a sapling.
The sapling swayed to and fro.
It carried a seed to a place far away,
And it soon began to grow.
Do you sail through troubled waters
In the midst of a storm-tossed sea?
Learn to roll with the tide, to lean into the wind.
And soon you'll be strong like the tree.


Hi Brandi

My heart goes out to you in these not-so-good moments.  Sometimes life gives us the most difficult challenges to overcome, but no matter how alone you may feel or you think you are, the truth is that there are always people out there who care about you and want to see you happy.

You have all of us here at Susan's and although we may not know one another personally, you have become a very special member of our family.
Think about that little flower you talked about in your post the other day, think how much that flower has had to endure to be where you are now.  You have to go on, Brandi...you have to keep on growing and flourishing regardless of the odds, you have to do it for your own good, for your own happiness because at the end, it is only about you.




tinkerbell

[BrandiOK]

I'm amazed how fast I slip into the self destructive behavior that somehow brought me comfort in the past when I felt like this.  I used to stay intoxicated much of the time when I wasn't working just to cope.  I'm not advocating drinking to cope with your problems....it often leads to even bigger problems.  I'm just rambling on here about me... I took some medicine and start drinking...yeah, yeah, I know that I'm not supposed to mix this drug with alcohol, I read the pharmacology.  I feel better now..... I don't care what my family thinks....I don't need them. 

LMAO...here's something funny.  My mom called us kids together probably 7 or 8 years ago and explained that she had a child out of wedlock with a married man that none of us ever knew about because she put him up for adoption.   He had managed to track her down and the secret was out.....My mom was soooo worried that we would think badly of her because of choices she made long ago and that we would turn our backs on her because of this.  None of us EVER made her feel guilty for her life then or currently at the time.  We welcomed our brother into the family and it was no big deal.....truth was we were so dysfunctional after the death of my father that nothing could really shock us anymore.  I admit it was a bit bizarre because he and I could almost pass as twins....but it was cool with me.    He visited a couple times but everything took a big crap when he introduced himself to my mothers brothers and sisters.  Apparently it was ok for my mom to deal with as long as nobody else knew about it.  Her acceptance of this person was based strictly on how she was percieved by others.  When her brothers and sisters found out, she no longer held the same acceptance for our new brother.

Hmmm....there's a shocker.  My moms love is conditional...it's conditional on her children not bringing any shame upon her.  Her good name in a piss ant, redneck conservative society is her number one priority.  Get in the way of that and you end up like me or my half brother.   

Let's turn this around.......I'm ashamed of my mother......she loved me as long as fit her guidelines for a successful son.  What happened to unconditional love?  I never committed a crime, on the contrary, I became a police officer and protected others.  I never hurt anyone, on the contrary, I became a firefighter/EMT and saved lives.  I never did anything that could have possibly brought any shame until I made this choice.  She has no right to treat me like this.  My family has no right to do this.  Oh god how they loved me when I handed them money under the table so they could make Christmas a little more special for thier kids. 

I really don't need thier crap...consider the switch flipped again you pitiful excuse for a family.

[Kim]

So sorry to hear you hit a down Brandi. I am glad you have a method to deal with it, that is important. Conditional love is hard to satisfy no matter what you do. As for the rest of your town, they are the ones losing. They lost the one chance to be a friend to a beautiful, terrific young lady we all know as Brandi, and, in my opinion. what a lost it is honestly. We are grateful to know you, even if it is through here and not in person. Smile, the world is still in existence and we have to hold on for the ride of a lifetime. It's up to us what kind of ride it will be. 

[Mario]

Brandi,
     Hey, listen. You are a good person. You are just being true to yourself. I went through that with my mom when I told her I was trans when I was 17. See, my family were pilliars in the small comunity I grew up in back in Illinois. So I moved away. That was my plan anyway. But yes, it is sad how often love is conditional. I can only hope I will never do that to my children. I will think not. You know you could not continue to go on the way you were before transition, so what were the choices? You made yours, and be happy with you as who you are. They are missing out not knowing you anymore.

                                                Marco

[BrandiOK]

I thank you for all the nice thoughts....I'm just not sure where I belong right now.
Posted on: October 05, 2006, 04:10:20 PMI don't know....I feel like I'm barely holding on.   I feel like I'm just one strong gust of wind from being swept away into total confusion.  I don't know....everything I do to survive seems to hold some screwed up memory of an incident I wished I could forget.

I just don't know....my sadness is killing me.....I wish I were stronger...I really, really do....but I'm not....I'm just a person who has endured years and years of hate and disappointment.   I'm cognizant enough to know that others have suffereded much more and survived but that doesn't seem to matter.  It's all relative, despite quantum physics theories to the contrary.   


I guess I just want to leave this world in the least painful and least disruptive way that I can.  I'm tired of it...I'm tired of trying to deal with family issues and I'm tired of trying to deal with friend issues.  I just want to go and not know that I went, if that makes sense.  We as human beings are going to destroy the world anyways...ironically this will be done in the name of religion.

Ironic how close we come to utopia only to destroy ourselves in the name of love and peace.........................

[Melissa]

*Hugs* Brandi.

Maybe it's time to start a new life.  At least move and get into a different environment.  When you're not happy with life, change can always be a welcome thing.  Sometimes I feel the same way as you and I don't know how much longer I can trudge on.  Sometimes the future looks bleak and I don't know if it's even worth keeping going.  Maybe you should set some brand new goals.  I guess that's what keeps me going.  I am now in a new place and I do find new and wonderous things each day, although as I go on, it seems that at the same time the positive things get bigger, the negative things get equally as big.  I feel like I am heading towards some kind of fall (I mean a really big fall) and it's inevitable.  I just await the impact. I try to find ways to avoid it, but everything I do seems to put me in a worse disposition.   Perhaps you feel the same?

Melissa

[BrandiOK]

I have moved and started a new life Melissa.....I am in a totally new enviroment.  It's not that my position in life has caused my problems it's more that my position in life hasn't alleviated those problems.

I live fulltime and have for several years...I don't have issues as far as that goes other than I never really feel like I'm passing even when I am.   My problem lies in my past constantly coming to haunt me.   I put my "non supportive" family behind me and moved on feeling pretty good about my decision. 

However, there are times when sleeping dogs will not lie.  Despite my attempts to avoid the thoughts of my family occasionally those harsh realities slip through my protective walls.  That, in itself, is a terrible situation.  To go from guarded and at least semi comfortable to unprotected and vulnerable in a flash is just too difficult for me to handle. 

I never asked to be different...I never asked to be so different as to be held in contempt by society....all I ever wanted was to be happy.  Simple in theory and yet so difficult in process.  I love people and I hate them....I don't understand why I am the way I am.  I don't see the world like so many see it and I hope I never do.   I cherish love and peace more than success and power and I work every day to rise above the teachings of the church that were forced on me as a child.

I just want to be happy...and I want everyone else to be happy.....I just don't see how that will ever be......we have stopped loving ourselves and started loving others who tell us what to believe.

We will never be free until we learn to love ourselves.....and once we love ourselves we can understand what it means to love each other.

I wish I could believe that it was possible.....the "hippie" movement in the 60's attempted to makes us understand but even a decade of hope couldn't change the fact that we aren't capable of truly understanding peace and love.   We will destroy ourself systematically and there will be no one to blame but us.  It's already happening....look at political postions or at enviromental concerns....my god, for the first time in recorded history the polar ice caps are breaking away and melting.  I'm not a scientist but I know that every Halloween has been warmer than the last...where I live Halloween used to be bitter cold twenty years ago.  Now every years it's a shorts and a t-shirt...that's not just idle comparisons that's fact. 

We are destroying ourselves...one smog cloud after another.
Posted on: October 05, 2006, 05:51:30 PMI hope that you will all forgive me..it's gonna be a long night......I'm not in a good place right now and I'm probably gonna just use this forum as an outlet for what I feel. I thought I destroyed half of my room but apparently the only damage was a spilled glass of water..I'm sure there's an analogy somewhere in there but I couldn't care less.

I'm really upset and not really thinking straight....I warned people when I joined that this would happen....happy Brandi is just an illusion....pissed off, sad, depressed off Brandi is the real me.  If I wasn't so messed up right now I would jump in the car and drive 3 hours and cause a HUGE scene at my parents house. 


I wanna just kick in the dooor and yell "screw you"......why the hell do I let them affect me like this?  I hate it....I hate feeling like this...I just want to hurt them like they hurt me....not physically but emotionally......
Posted on: October 05, 2006, 07:20:45 PMI'm really messed up.......I don;t knwowhat I'm doing.

[HelenW]

You have every right to be angry, Brandi, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do at all.  But please don't internalize your anger, sweetie, that will only hurt you and provide a excuse for those who mistreat you to continue thinking that there is something wrong with you.

I feel sorry for the people whose lives and minds are so shallow that they cannot see past their own noses in order to notice what is going on with others.  Their entire focus is upon their own selves.  What a horrible way to live, to be so blind in such a beatiful world.

Put aside those who don't want you and think of the larger community who are happy that you're a part of them.

hugs & smiles and some more hugs,
helen

[BrandiOK]

I really want to die...I don;t want to kill myslef but i watn to die......I hate m life .............If it weren't for the fact that I don't have my paper work in inorder I would do just that.  My rooomate ha sg iven me me space to her credit...I'm not going to kill myself and i kknow that I will be better tomorrow but right now I am not seeing things right.  She even bought me a pack of cigarettes which I quit years ago...she's the best.

I wish I were dead.....she doesn't understand why I amn why    I am but she's giving me the space to figure it out.

[janet]

{{{{Brandi}}}}

I used to be the absolute queen of anger turned inward.  When I hurt badly enough it was like a black hole in the pit of my stomache, and I just wanted to die, or failing that to drink or drug - which I used to do plenty.  We can get strong enough to get past those times without hurting ourselves or self-medicating, but it doesn't come fast or easy.

You can get through this - just hold on through the night, in the morning the hangover will overwhelm the anger.  Just hold on for now and don't make things any worse tonight.

In a way I haven't experienced the rejection you have because my parents have passed away and I wasn't strong enough to make any moves toward transitioning while they were still alive.  However, where I am in pre-transition I experience plenty of regret that I wasn't strong enough to move toward transition sooner, and sometimes I have overwhelming fear that I just wont make it and I blame myself and my alcoholism for that.  The circumstances are different but I can certainly identify with your feelings.

Hang on, hon.

Janet

[Nero]

Hi Brandi,
I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry for all the pain you're in and that you're going through this.

[BrandiOK]

Thank you to you all

I apologize for rambling yesterday...I tend to internalize all my pain and push it way down deep where I don't have to think about it which means that every once in awhile I just go off.

I know it's unhealthy to do that kind of stuff but I've been this way my entire life. 

Anyways......I'm all better now except for a case of ths shakes ( I rarely drink very much and my tolerance is pretty low so it didn't take much to send me in to stupid land LOL )

[Hazumu]

Hi, Brandi;

I'm there for you, and have been on a few of those jags myself.  They suck.

But I think G-girls get 'em, too.  It hurts -- deeply -- to find out you're not accepted, or accepted ONLY on some condition or other.  It's their problem, really -- but still it hurts.

Have you considered living well without regard to them?  Too often, small-minded graduates of the School of Constipated Thinking (my uncle's term,) are casting for 'losers' on their life-scripts.  You would make a juicy target for these mental midgets.  Get on with your life, girl!  Your former friends have used you to reinforce their shaky feelings of self-worth.  They aren't ignoring you, they're watching you out the corner of their eyes.  Show 'em you don't need their stupid 'acceptance'.

I'm sorry, I know you've heard and thought all this before.  But sometimes we all need to hear it again.  Do something really cool with your life (beyound transitioning and living as your true self, which is MEGA-cool!  )

Karen

[nonie]

What Karen's saying is true...  People want someone to feel superior to.  Everyone in my home town is jealous of my life--owning a home so young, making money doing what I love, engaged and fully independent of my parents...  My parents are both proud to busting about my career and that I'm succeeding at something they have both failed at, making a living as an artists.  My friends have always viewed me as the most successful and mentally healthy person in our social group.  I have shown them that thought I don't do things the same way they did, I come out on top.  I went to college late and haven't really been trying too hard to finish, and I was almost held back from graduating high school because of attendance issues, and though people didn't like what I was doing they saw that ultimately everything I have done has contributed to me making all my goals way before than anyone esle...  So when I came out as TS, nobody could tell me what I was doing was wrong or a bad idea.  I'd shown them time and again that no matter what they thought, I was making my own way and iit was all going to turn out fine.  Everyone has taken it on faith that no one can know what's best for me better than I do myself.

I *know* the reason they're all so cool with it is because I've shown them all wrong before, so they trust my judgment more than their own feelings on the matter, and they know this is my life and not theirs.  And it's also because I don't let anyone else's feeling of self-worth depend on me or my opinions.  I used to have some friends who would say things like "Oh, if something ever happened to you or if you didn't like me anymore I would kill myself..."  THAT is unhealthy.  That's not a good thing for them to feel and not a good thing for you to feel responsible for.  I think your mom's need to keep her name clean is entirely her own problem, and the fact that she can't differentiate between her honor and that of those associated with her is HER fault.

The best way to put her and the rest of your hometown where they belong is to live your life to the fullest with or without their consent.  It IS your life, not theirs, and they may learn something in the long run 🙂

[Melissa]

The best way to put her and the rest of your hometown where they belong is to live your life to the fullest with or without their consent.  It IS your life, not theirs, and they may learn something in the long run

Being in a similar situation as Brandy where my parents want nothing to do with me unless I were to suddenly detransition, I have been doing exactly as you suggested.  I have had my challenges, but for the most part, I still feel like a success.  I know several things my parents predicted (treated badly by everyone, no friends, look weird) did not happen and so I'm kind of showing them who is right just by doing it.  Good advice Mikko.

Melissa