Coming out in the early stages

[Dana Lane]

Hi all,

I remember when I first started my journey about 6 months ago I began doing a lot of research and when reading some of the 'coming out' stories from others I became very anxious. People talked about how they hid the visual signs of HRT and seem terrified for someone to find out until the time is right. One day presenting as your birth gender then the next presenting as your real gender.  This is the part that kind of stressed me out a bit.

So I decided that I would not hide the affects of my HRT and in fact go beyond that by growing my nails long and some other things that makes it obvious I am not your normal guy. Then I began to tell close friends (some at work as well) and finally my boss and pretty much anyone else I know. This way they will know what is going on and will expect to see changes in the future.  If I end up fully transitioning by the time I reach that point I will already have been presenting myself that would more closely match it. There would be no one day showing up as a male and the next as a female. To me this really takes a lot of stress off of me and allows me to be myself during the whole process.

Well, I just thought I would share that with everyone.

Hugs

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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Blessed Be.
Janet

[FairyGirl]

Kind of the way I've come out to my family. I didn't have any problems with my friends, they sort of suspected already anyway. From my personal experience and the horror stories I'd read, I knew dealing with my family would be much more difficult. They started noticing the changes so I simply told them I was taking female hormones prescibed by a doctor and recommended by a psychiatrist. That was the foot in the door, and as time has passed I'm showing them more of my true self. Getting my name changed was another big step; and my family is still grappling with that one (as in, mostly ignoring it so far). I just keep hoping they can eventually come around, even while I remain always aware that it might never happen.

[AmySmiles]

I think I'm going to end up doing it much the same way.  My biggest worry is the potential repercussions of coming out at work so it's naturally something I give a LOT of thought to.  I work in a sort of mixed climate - on the one hand, my boss and a few people in the area seem very religious/family oriented, but on the other I also work closely with a gay guy who is accepted by everyone he has told so far.

I think in such a situation, a sudden transition might be disastrous so I am going the more subtle route and trying to change things gradually.  I'm currently growing my hair out and trying to stop biting my nails. (filthy habit, argh  )  So far I've gotten a few comments from just the hair, but nothing to worry about.  Still trying to decide on the best time to begin HRT - don't want to go too fast, but also not too slow.  By the time I'm ready, it shouldn't come as a big surprise to anyone.

My backup plan is working hard to improve my performance so I can call them on it if I get fired with that excuse 

[Dana Lane]

Kind of the way I've come out to my family. I didn't have any problems with my friends, they sort of suspected already anyway. From my personal experience and the horror stories I'd read, I knew dealing with my family would be much more difficult. They started noticing the changes so I simply told them I was taking female hormones prescibed by a doctor and recommended by a psychiatrist. That was the foot in the door, and as time has passed I'm showing them more of my true self. Getting my name changed was another big step; and my family is still grappling with that one (as in, mostly ignoring it so far). I just keep hoping they can eventually come around, even while I remain always aware that it might never happen.

I hope they come around one day!
Post Merge: October 04, 2009, 08:18:15 AM

I think I'm going to end up doing it much the same way.  My biggest worry is the potential repercussions of coming out at work so it's naturally something I give a LOT of thought to.  I work in a sort of mixed climate - on the one hand, my boss and a few people in the area seem very religious/family oriented, but on the other I also work closely with a gay guy who is accepted by everyone he has told so far.

I think in such a situation, a sudden transition might be disastrous so I am going the more subtle route and trying to change things gradually.  I'm currently growing my hair out and trying to stop biting my nails. (filthy habit, argh  )  So far I've gotten a few comments from just the hair, but nothing to worry about.  Still trying to decide on the best time to begin HRT - don't want to go too fast, but also not too slow.  By the time I'm ready, it shouldn't come as a big surprise to anyone.

My backup plan is working hard to improve my performance so I can call them on it if I get fired with that excuse 

I used to bite my nails every once in a while until I realized what was under them! Now I keep my nails nice and clean at all times! Think of it this way..would you want to go up to everyone you see and lick their hands (which has been who knows where), lick all the groceries in a grocery store? LOL. Shew, nasty!  Maybe that will help motivate you!

[K8]

I went at it a little differently.  It was important to me that everyone around me knew that I was going to change before I actually started changing.  I told all my friends and many people I see regularly.  I told my neighbors and the people at my church.  I don't work but would have told my co-workers and bosses.

Then I started laser and electrolysis, female haircut and nails, HRT.  There was a little overlap, but I wanted those I cared about to know before they would notice anything.

And then I went full time.  On Monday I was a pretend man.  On Tuesday I was a woman.  No one I knew was surprised.

I wanted to control the process and I didn't want to surprise anyone.  I didn't want to try to sneak anything by anyone.  I had hidden this from people for decades and was tired of hiding it.  I felt that if I was going to do this, I would do it openly and honestly.  How they reacted to it was up to them.  And for me it has worked out exceedingly well.

As always, we each do these things a little differently, to suit our own needs and situations.  I hope each of us can find the method that works best for them.

- Kate

[yoru]

I've actually been doing things really similarly, Dana.

I've always been a bit girlish for a boy, but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to passing as female. I decided that slowly pushing the gender line would make it easier for others to get used to the changes, give me time to figure out my style and true personality, and give me time to tell everyone bit by bit. So far I still wear jeans and t-shirts outside the house most of the time, but I do my hair in cuter ways, put on a little eyeliner and blush, etc.

I still think that this is the best way for me to figure things out, but there are definitely some down-sides to it as well. Some people have an easier time with androgyny, but it seems like some people would rather I fit a stereotype so they can just switch the checkbox they have for me in their head from "M" to "F". I've also noticed that if I imply that I'm female, even friends who've previously said that they understand will sometimes argue with me, and say things like "Well, technically no," and I end up having to explain that I'm talking about my identity and not my genitals. Then there are the things like voice and pronouns that are harder to switch gradually.

I think it's just tough for people to realize that just because I identify as female doesn't mean I want to go around in high heels and dresses. Sometimes it can be maddening, and I just wish I could get over that hump, where enough cues are in the female range that people just roll with it.

I guess a lot of these problems are pretty universal to transitioners though, and not necessarily just those who do it gradually. =/

[Dana_W]

It was important to me that everyone around me knew that I was going to change before I actually started changing.  I told all my friends and many people I see regularly.  [snip cuz it's not similar to me] 

Then I started laser and electrolysis, female haircut and nails, HRT.  There was a little overlap, but I wanted those I cared about to know before they would notice anything.

And then I went full time.  On Monday I was a pretend man.  On Tuesday I was a woman.  No one I knew was surprised.

I wanted to control the process and I didn't want to surprise anyone.  I didn't want to try to sneak anything by anyone.  I had hidden this from people for decades and was tired of hiding it.  I felt that if I was going to do this, I would do it openly and honestly.  How they reacted to it was up to them. 

Ahem... what Kate said above that I quoted. Ditto. Only some of what she said in he past tense is still in the future for me. Especially the coming out at work part.