Hello from Randi

[Randi]

Hello everyone, it is good to find like minded folk to be around. I have been reading here for a while-some might call it lurking LOL.

Anyway, I am 53, MTF, married, with one son 16 years. I have a good job as does my wife and I am taking a very low dose of estrogen only right now.  I am one of those who grew up in a religious home and being girly was not tolerated. So I grew up knowing I wanted to be a girl but never daring to speak of it openly. At different times during my childhood, teen years, and as a young adult I did at times have a crisis develop but other than cross-dressing never did anything to express myself-thus I kept repressing more and more that I was really a girl who didn't know how to be one. Eventually (1 1/2 years ago) I had a crisis and all this came pouring out. My wife who is very religious can't deal with the thought of my becoming female and no longer being there for her and my son as part of a nuclear family unit. So I gave in to pressure at home and have not openly discussed it again although I know the time is coming very soon. When the subject does come up again I sincerely hope that we can find we can stay together but that will depend upon how much my wife can accept and the strength of feelings of attachment between us. I am ready to consult my doctor now so I can be monitored and get my doseages set.

I thought for a long time that I was strong and could keep my sexuality private but I really can't. I have never been flagrant of agressive in my dressing I just wear girls shirts or jeans occasionally, under garments, socks ect. This is how I wish to dress and am comfortable with it. My supervisor at work knows about me and said she did not care so long as I was tasteful and don't show up for work looking like a clown. At least she is tolerant and has a sense of humor-she's pretty cool actually.

Sorry, I don't mean to be so long winded but I have much to say and want to hold my head up and be counted among the truly courageous. I have a long way to go and I know the going may be rough but I am now ready to face my demons and finally put them in their rightful place.

Randi

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Randi,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

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Blessed Be.
Janet

[Allamakee]

Hi Randi,

I think you will find many persons here who are in or have been in, your situation (myself included.)  The feelings that one are able to repress when younger can no longer be held back when older.

Being married, and having a child at home does complicate matters, but again, many here have dealt or still deal with those situations. Dealing with loved ones can be very hard, especially if they signal their non-acceptance or disapproval.

I'm glad you are here.  I think you will find support and good information.  And if you don't mind some unasked for advice, I would suggest that you take your time, and not rush things.  Acting with a plan is usually better than just taking action.

Welcome! 

[jesse]

hi randi same situation here except im 42 i have a wife and kids who will not acept but i have gotten past that now i will be leaving home once the hrt effects become more then she can handle such is life ina way i blame myself for waiting so long or bowing to societys ideals but in the end how do you continue to shield the real you from the world w/o going insane i am now committed to being happy in my own body and for that i will lose everything so ill pinch the nose and dive in lol
jessica

[Randi]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I do not yet have a therapist and could really use someone to talk to occasionally that knows how I am feeling. My wife tries to but she can't deal with it yet. She really is a great girl and good mother for our son.

I have gone back and forth about whether or not to go ahead and start therapy and get a proper amount of hormones to balance me out. A bit of background-1 1/2 years ago I had a crisis and couldn't concentrate it was so severe. This is when I told my wife the truth about what was going on with me. Then she caught me cross dressed and freaked. I had read about other girls who had problems with depression and decided to try a very small amount of Estrogen in a patch-just to see what effect it would have if any. Amazingly for me my depression and all crisis stopped and I was me again from which I took confirmation that it was right for me. After discussing it with my wife again, we both decided we would just wait and see how the next year or so goes. 

There is LOVE there and I will hang onto it as long as I can!!!!
Again many thanks,
Randi

[jesse]

talking to a therapist can also provide you with ways to help you cope with your disphoria. transitioning is a process some steps you can take to help ease the suffering w/o doing to much harm to your personal relationship you can explain to her that it is to help you cope as a way of justifying the expense if need be. HRT should not be entered into lightly do to the effects sme of which are reversable some are not.  i would start with electrolisis on the face do to the time it takes to finish or at least laser that is anouther step that is relatively harmless as far communication with your wife just some thoughts to think about you can pm me anytime if you want to talk
jessica

[K8]

Hi, Randi, welcome to Susan's.

As the others have said, the GID gets worse as we get older.  Perhaps it is that way with anyone who is forced to live a lie.  We can do it for a while, but it just keeps getting more difficult.

Therapy is a good idea.  It helps to talk to someone about your feelings and needs.  Your wife has enough to handle - it would be better if you don't try to rely on her to help you sort this out.

Self-medication can be dangerous.  Please don't do it.  The hormones may help you, but I think (and this is only my opinion) you should get some things sorted out in your own mind before starting a program of hormones. 

The road is long and hard and has many bumps along the way.  We here can help, but talking one-on-one to someone who is trained to help you will be a huge benefit to you.

Many here have walked your path or are following along behind.  Good luck on your journey.  

- Kate

[Randi]

I had a bad day yesterday but this caused (in reflection upon my actions) me to see clearly-this is serious business and we have an effect on those around us which is either good or bad. I would like to add to the info here to better clarify why I take the point of view I take on life in general. I am a very complex individual rife with inconsistency, doubt, and at times great happiness that I am always ready to share.

I grew up in rural Tennessee on rented farmland and from the time I was little worked in the gardens so I am no stranger to growing things and the beauty to be found there. My parents were raised by poor parents and struggled to provide a peaceful home where we were loved always but not always tolerated. My Dad drank a little and this contributed to a lack of trust between us but what I did not realize was he was struggling with his own demons. He was a country singer and a good one so I learned to sing from him and his brother. They were set to be one of the early country duos but the korean war took my uncle away and the contracts went away never to come back. I started playing guitars when I was 14 and have ever since though I went for long periods of time and did not play. When I was in my 20's I almost went in the navy but was asked to go out on the road playing bass in a covers band and stayed out for several years doing this. When my dad's health got bad I returned to TN and went back to contracting for a living.

I got married and later had a son who is precious to me. A few years later I went to karate school for the next 3 years-by far the most difficult and enlightening thing I have ever done for myself. This period of events shapes my reactions to difficulty even now. That is not to say I don't have problems with my disphoria but keeps me from dwelling there very long-not to mention what I could do to someone who wanted to attack me because I am 'different'. I consider myself very fortunate to have learned how to live in the relative absence of fear of physical harm. These days I am building a recording room/cave in my attic and have the 'toys' to use it. I wish that I could find others like me locally that I could talk to in person-I am sure this will happen soon and look forward to this.

Once again, I feel I must say THANKS to those who have preceded us and provide us with this website. God Bless Us Every One!

Randi

[Kimberley]

Welcome Randi,

As others have said therapy can help. It is my impression from your posts that therapy will be of be of great assistance to you as you need to get things off your chest and a trained therapist will be able to help you find the answers that you seek. I wish well on your journey.

[gennee]

We're happy that you found the site, Randi. I came out four years ago just short of my 57th birthday. Though I am not transitioning, I have chosen to live my life in my true identity. My wife and son are accepting, so it makes life much easier.

Gennee  

[Randi]

Thanks Gennee, Oh how many times I have wished my wife would accept me as I want to be accepted. This has caused me a gread deal of heartache during the past year or so. That's great your family accepts you. I still haven't discussed it with my son yet-I'm just not ready for that yet.

Kimber & K8-I am going to see my PCP this afternoon and am not going to 'chicken out' of telling him about this. I am not at the present unstable but since going off E I can tell that it is making a difference for me. When I take E I am securely stable and can conduct my affairs with no problems of any kind-well, that is until my wife tells me I'm crazy or something like that. Then I just want to cry but I won't go there in front of her.

Jesse-Thanks, yes our situations are similar. On the subject of hormones, I am stable mentally and emotionally when I am taking E and have no intention of going on T period. Yes having a family that I dearly love is making this hell at times but I must deal with it for good or bad. If my wife could love me for just being here for them it would be much easier for me emotionally. We will just have to see where all this goes. She also has her mother who has had two strokes to deal with. I'm sure it's no picnic for her either. At least she can laugh and say that she doesn't want to sleep with someone with Boobs. She can't deal with me wanting to dress as a girl either since she is not a lesbian.

Allamakee-My wife doesn't just signal her disaproval, she let's me know it emphatically without reservation that I won't live like that in her house. She really is a great lady and has alot on her plate every day. Yes, small steps in a plan are what's called for not just blind actions.

Once again, thanks everyone for your comments. I now know that I am not alone in my suffering.

Randi

[austin86]

welcome to susan's randi

[Breastquest]

Very nice to meet you. You jumped in and saved me from the circling sharks lol.