Hi there,
I'm Genevieve and I'm very new to this whole thing.
I'll just tell you a bit about myself.
When I was in my teens, I had assembled a collection of female clothing. I loved to wear it. I would sleep in it and wear it every chance I got. It wasn't even sexual, it just felt good and right. One day my family found my collection. My father was livid. I was brow beaten for months and buried my feelings so deeply they almost never came out again.
I cried that night for my loss but over the months, as I was burying my feelings I began to think I could make it. I would act like a man and therefore be a man. I would do all of the things my father expected of me. That would make me a man, right.......
Over the years since, I've fought depressions, feelings of displacement and feelings of never belonging. I've seen tons of therapists that tried to tell me things like, "You're normal but just depressed." I've taken zoloft and a couple of other anti-depressents but none of it seemed to work. I just kept getting worse and worse.
Very occasionally, a thought would seep through my shields. "She's beautiful, I wish I could be her." You could insert any adjetive for beautiful, smart, creative, sweet, etc. But in the end it came down to wanting to be her. Wanting to be a woman, but never admitting it to anyone not even myself.
My life was always spinning out of control. I could never get hold of it or understand why. It was like trying to catch a cloud, only to have your hands pass through, holding on to nothing.
I'm 41 now. Over the past 4 years, I've gotten into online role playing games. All of my characters were and continue to be female. I even play them in some cases as a real life woman. Over the past year, I'd met a pre-op MTF transexual. She and I got to be good friends. We talked about many things and she shared her experiences. She got me thingking about what I've been missing. About how much I even now missed my female clothing.
My sister is my savior. I told her and she instantly accepted me. She says she looks forward to having a "big sister" to pal around with. I love her dearly, because she is a great person, supportive in every way.
Well, I'm seeing a therapist now about my gender dysphoria. I'm wearing women's clothing underneath the clothing I have to wear for my job. I'm planning on transitioning from a man to a full-time woman in 18 months, maybe less. When I do, I'll have my voice fully trained and a surgically more feminine face and figure.
For the first time in my life, I'm not adrift in a maelstrom. For the first time in my life, I feel good and right.
The only regret is not having done it sooner.
Thank you all for reading this.
Genevieve
