This is a somewhat long and very rambling post, which probably makes no sense at all. You've been warned. >.<
I've been feeling somewhat depressed for quite a while now, but it's gotten worse in the last month.
For starters it's "that time of the month" which doesn't make me very happy as you can imagine. I'm always at my most dysphoric about now, faster to point out my own flaws, more likely to dwell on things I shouldn't be dwelling on. I'm sad because I feel like I'll never be able to pass, not without treatment anyway. My mom has told me in no uncertain terms that she will *not* okay me for anything like that, so I have to wait till I'm 18. That doesn't seem so bad, and I suppose it isn't, really. But I feel like my whole life is on hold. I'm just waiting untill I can fix myself. Ever since I knew it was possible I've wanted this. I feel like I should be living my life, trying to be normal, but in a way I never have "lived", it was always a "life" of lying to everyone including me.
I'm scared though, of what will happen. If I'll ever be accepted, if I'll ever pass, if I or someone close to me ends up hurt because of this.
If anyone could ever love someone like me.
All the guys I've ever liked were straight, save one. My bisexual ex boyfriend, who left me, supposedly not because I'm transgender, but the fact it was no more than 10 minutes after I told him kind of makes me wonder. After something like that, I'm scared of myself, of who I am.
What kind of creature am I, if I could so easily be judged by someone who claims he "never knew the real me"?
I've stopped cutting, at least. I've also started smoking, though. -_-' I feel like at this point it's going to be one addiction or another, and smoking feels like less of a guilty pleasure to me than cutting. I figure sooner or later I'll get prescribed antidepressants or something, and then I can stop, if they're enough.
No cutting, then, but still the suicidal thoughts. No plans, but still pretty much every day, the "why couldn't I have just died in my sleep???" feeling. When I cross an intersection I have fantasies about semi trucks running the red light and hitting me. I can hear it smashing into me, and I can almost feel my bones shattering. In my mind's eye I see the blood start dripping... etc. I look at my arms and wonder if the scars on them would make it harder to get at the veins.
I use the computer waaaay more than I should, just so I can get the hell away from myself. And away from my family. My parents have started completely overanalyzing my behavior (ie: "Oh I see, you do *insert behavior here* because it's more like what a guy would do") I'm a PERSON. I'm like you. I don't say "Oh, you do this because it's what a lesbian would do" to my mom, do I? No. I don't say "Oh, you do that because it's something a straight white guy would do" do I? No. I have a therapist to ask me these stupid questions, I don't need my parents doing it too!
That's about it... >.<
