Frustrated Ranting. (don't mind the whiny ->-bleeped-<-boi)

[Muddy]

I signed up here awhile ago.

A ->-bleeped-<--ton has happened since then.  I don't even want to go in to most of it.  Too much crap.

Anyway... 

The decision has been made, I can't live like this. 
Transition is necessary to my survival.

My current partner is very supportive of me transitioning. 

The issue.
I have five years left on my current contract with Uncle Sam.
The military owns me until 2014.

With my partner, I can be myself, present as male, do things that make me feel like less of a freak, trapped in this freakish Halloween costume that just WON'T COME OFF!

Everywhere else, I live life in drag.
Because I have to be "Mrs. Muddy".  The female soldier.  The mother.  The grieving widow.
Everything but a man.

Five more years of this.

Don't know if I can do it.

[K8]

As someone who served a career in the military pretending to be a man, I think I can understand your frustration.  I don't know what service you are in, but I know very well that different services treat their people differently, so my experience may not help you.

I knew some pretty manly women in the service.  There seemed to be a place for them.  I didn't know many who would accept a pat on the head and go for coffee for the guys while they discussed strategy.

Other than hunkering down and toughing it out - how manly! - you may be able to prepare for your transition in some ways.  And DO NOT tell any military doctor or shrink that you are TS or gay.  I've been out of the service 14 years now, but I don't think things have changed that much.

About the only thing that worked for me was to compartmentalize things.  And work on being a strong, competent, employable, likable person.  That's all stuff that will come in handy when you finally become a PFC.

As my mother would say when she was being annoying: This too shall pass.

- Kate

[Muddy]

Thanks guys.

I think its often the loneliness that is the worst. 
Being so deeply closeted means being unable to reach out to the trans community in any appreciable fashion IRL.

I don't want to run the risk of outing myself to the military.

I am a combat vet, and I *need* my VA benefits.  Which means I cannot afford to lose them by being discharged for a "preexisting personality disorder".
So sad that my worth to the military is based upon a lie. 

I'm trying to focus on getting my life in order now, so when the magical day arrives and I get my Honorable Discharge in hand, I can step into my new life.

Thinking of a career in Social Work. 
I'd like to continue working with Veterans in some capacity. 
That's probably the most heartbreaking thing of all- I love what I do, and the people I serve with. 

To be trite [and juvenile], it's not FAIR that I have to give up what I love, to be the person I'm meant to be.

Oh well... it'll make a great story some day, I guess.

[Muddy]

Heh.

I guess I should be thankful at least that while I'm stuck living as a *gag* girl, I generally get treated like one of the guys.

[Bellaon7]

As someone who served a career in the military pretending to be a man, I think I can understand your frustration.  I don't know what service you are in, but I know very well that different services treat their people differently, so my experience may not help you.

I knew some pretty manly women in the service.  There seemed to be a place for them.  I didn't know many who would accept a pat on the head and go for coffee for the guys while they discussed strategy.

Other than hunkering down and toughing it out - how manly! - you may be able to prepare for your transition in some ways.  And DO NOT tell any military doctor or shrink that you are TS or gay.  I've been out of the service 14 years now, but I don't think things have changed that much.

About the only thing that worked for me was to compartmentalize things.  And work on being a strong, competent, employable, likable person.  That's all stuff that will come in handy when you finally become a PFC.

As my mother would say when she was being annoying: This too shall pass.

- Kate

Can they really deny your benefits years later? We've never treated  our Veterans with the kind of Respect & Honor they've earned. Through good times & bad, this is the most shameful part of our history. It's so easy to forget, except for those who will always remeber, whether they want to or not. Vets having to fight red tape? Maybe our plight is not so different?     

[Muddy]

Generally, no. 
If you wait until you are discharged to come out, there are no issues with benefits.

However, only two Veterans Hospitals in the US currently offer hormone therapy, and none perform surgery.

[Janet_Girl]

Stand Tall Soldier.  What better training can a Man get?  I know it is tough but you can tough it out.  You have your partner, you have us and maybe soon DADT will be gone.  Who knows what that will entail.

Hang in there the end is nearer than you think.


Janet

[Bellaon7]

Well, it it would seem to me that if & when laws change, our Veterans should be the first in line, instead of always being last. Why are Veterans always the last in line to participate in the freedoms they've fought for the rest of us to enjoy?

[Janet_Girl]

That is exactly what I have thought.  And the Vets need to be right in front because without them we don't have them ether.


Janet

[Alex_C]

Muddy you have to stay in and gut it out.

5 years may sound long but when you get older you'll see how short a time it is.

How'd you become a Combat Vet as a female? This question is just curiousity on my part.

Yes, they can kick you out for "personality disorder" and deny you benefits. You can end up screwed, blued, and tattooed!

So. you have to stick it out!

BTW the Don't Ask Don't Tell rule and general witch-hunting may be ending soon, you may be able to relax a bit. It's no secret that some of the "women" in the military are men in woman's bodies. It's just that standing up for truth is NOT a good tactic considering what you can, and will, lose if you do.

So just gut it out!

[K8]

Well, it would seem to me that if & when laws change, our Veterans should be the first in line, instead of always being last. Why are Veterans always the last in line to participate in the freedoms they've fought for the rest of us to enjoy?

You have to live by the military's rules.  Those in the military give up certain rights in order to ensure the rights for the rest.  For me, it was a conscious decision that I understood from the beginning.  I think that is true for most in the service.

It doesn't seem fair (and perhaps isn't), but it is possible to be God's gift to the military but then screw up one time and *poof* all your lifetime benefits and privileges are gone.  It's not an easy road.  But it sounds like Muddy knows all that and will manage just fine; he just is doing some well-earned complaining.

Muddy: Come here and complain all you want.  *salute*

- Kate 

PS: Muddy, don't EVER come to this site using a government computer.  But then, you know that, right?

[Miniar]

Time passes quickly while you keep busy. That's the best advice I can offer actually.
*hugs*
It'll be your turn soon.

[Muddy]

Its a common misconception that women don't serve in combat.
They do.

With distinction, in most cases.

In fact, most of my female subordinates have surpassed their male counterparts in the quality of their service.  Why?  They have far more to prove.

What would be a bad day, for a male soldier, becomes the argument against women in the military if a female soldier does it.

I spent 360 days in Baghdad, during the Surge.

Come here on a Govt comp?
I may have a psych profile [PTSD], but I ain't *that* crazy. 

[ETA:  My knowledge of the military, and statements thereof, are limited solely to the United States Army.]

[Alex_C]

Congrats on your combat service!

[K8]

Come here on a Govt comp?
I may have a psych profile [PTSD], but I ain't *that* crazy.