Has Anyone GUESSED You Are Trans and Outed You?

[K8]

I just came from a conference in another city.  I traveled and roomed with a cis-woman friend.  She has a child who is MtF, and between that and being with me she tends to see trans-people all over the place.

There were about 300 people at the conference.  My friend and I were talking about some of the people at the conference and I said that I was probably the only TS there.  She mentioned several people who presented female but who she thought might be TS.  I don't know that my trans-radar is any better or worse than hers, but I really think all the women she mentioned are cis.

The people she thought might be trans were all rather large-boned and not particularly attractive in the usual way.  I didn't see anything in any of them that would lead me to believe they were trans – looking primarily at their behavior and comfort with themselves in this rather intense social situation.

I think I looked more trans than anyone else there, because of my adam's apple and somewhat masculine features and height and shoulders and because I tend to dress up more than down.  But we all tend to be self-critical.  Everyone treated me as a woman; including getting from a fair number of women that secret look that one woman shoots another whom she appreciates.  Who knows?  Just as my friend treated all those she suspected the same as those she didn't suspect, everyone treated me as the woman I am regardless of whether they saw me as cis or trans.

How can you tell?  Even if people suspect, I only show my genitals to a very select few people.  No one has ever asked me if I am trans.  I sometimes wonder what I would say if someone did ask me or "accuse" me of it.  I think I would throw it back at them without saying specifically one way or another. 

(One evening during the conference I was sitting in the bar alone, having a whiskey and writing in my journal before going off to bed.  A potentially-problem male at the bar glanced my way but didn't approach, evidently figuring I was too old, too ugly, too unapproachable, or too something-else.)

Has anyone who didn't know you are trans attempted to out you while you were living full time?  How did you handle it?  Have you ever approached someone you thought was trans but they turned out not to be?

- Kate

[Janet_Girl]

I have never had that happen, although I have seen some reactions that were very much along the lines of "OMG Do you see what I see", laugh laugh laugh.  I don't think they like it when I tell them to "Take a picture. It lasts longer".  Which is a polite way to say "Bugger off" to the Brits, Kiwis and Aussies here.  Or the Big "F Off" to us Americans.

I could care less if you read me, just let me alone to live my life.

Don't give them a second thought dear Sister.  You are finally on the way to the true you. 



Janet

[Tammy Hope]

Well, I guess one would have to be passing in the first place to be outed so I'm not really in a position to speak to Kate's question. I do, though, have a mindset (at the moment) of being pretty much Inclined to answer any questions with "Yeah. so?"

But Janet's reply made me think of something that happened just this afternoon. We were in Game Stop in the next town down the highway and there were 3 or 4 young male customers there in line, and a fairly young male behind the register.

While we were waiting my sons called me "Daddy" a few times so there was no secret what was going on even though I was presenting a reasonably feminine image (as much as my physical form allows) in makeup and hair and such.

So anyway, when the customers move on and I step up to the counter the guy addresses me as "ma'am" just as the customers were going out the door and they burst out laughing - presumably at him for getting it wrong.

But he didn't double take and I didn't (of course!) show any displeasure and we went on about our business.

I've yet to have any problem with any employee of any institution in terms of obvious disapproval, even though I presume a lot of them read me.

I like to think that t least part of the time the "ma'am" comes from a friendly inclination to "play along" with the intent, if not the accomplishment of the presentation.

[Calistine]

No because since I am pre t people just assume I am a lesbian. But my mom swears she knows when she sees a transwomen. Apparently if there face is slightly masculine or they have big hands, boom, transwoman. I hate that. She even once said about someone she didnt even know for sure, "HE is a man." I yelled at her and told her how disrespectful it is. I think if anyone can detect a transperson its another transperson. I think it shouldnt even matter, people should keep their thoughts to themselves.

[Bellaon7]

I'm a ts, I always have been & I always will be, srs or not. I don't even know how to begin to hide. I don't feel a need to run away from or deny what & who I am. In my ever day life I know I don't pass completely to everyone. Should I go outside tommorrow & say "yes, please exuse me I am a ts"? Maybe I'm just arrogant, but I just don't give a (very bad word that I've never said or thought about saying, & may possibly have never heard at all).

[Suzy]

Yes.  I was waiting in a line at a movie theatre.  While I was trying to get a ticket, a teenage girl in the other line was whispering to her friend and pointing at me.  Her friend got a really perplexed look on her face and also stared at me.  All I could think of was that those snotty young girls might cause a problem.  For sure I would not be able to use the rest room.  Since I did not like the way this was going, I looked at my watch pretending to be impatient, and finally casually got out of line and left.  I glanced back from some distance away and they were still staring.  I was totally crushed.

Kristi

[Arch]

It happened to a guy I know, at the LGBT center of all places. We were at a guys' night event. A fellow, a complete stranger, walked up and asked what my friend was doing there--kept insisting that he was a girl. My friend said he was a guy, I said he was a guy, another person at our table said he was a guy...but the accuser kept pressing the issue until my friend caved and admitted to being trans.

I was definitely caught off guard myself and wasn't sure what to do or say. And I don't know what I would have done if the accusation had been aimed at me, except that I would have been much more adamant in telling this obnoxious idiot to stop harassing me and go away.

I've never asked someone if he or she was trans if I didn't already know. I might be curious about a person every once in a great while, but I figure that it's that person's business, not mine.

[Northern Jane]

It happened to me a few months after transition/SRS. A salesman who called on my new employer happened to be the same person who called on a previous employer years before. He thought I looked familiar and asked around my home town if the-previous-me had a sister (I do but she is 5 years younger). He put two and two together and brought the rumour back to my place of work. Management was very respectful of my privacy and told the other employees to drop it or look for another job. I only found out what happened because my boss told me why I wasn't invited to a meeting that everybody else had to attend.

Also, in the early days, one of the guys I had been involved with asked "what happened" because my private parts aren't quite normal. I didn't answer him - I just put on my clothes and stormed out (tossing his car keys in a snow bank on the way out).

I would never, EVER ask another person if they were TS - that is terribly rude and none of my business - END OF STORY!

[jesse]

would you ask a schitzophrenic if they were schitz (forgive my spelling of that disorder) of course not why would you ask a trans person if theyre trans if you know their is no need to ask if you dont or your unsure then why would you ask. would you ask a gg if she were trans.... im guessing probably not unless you wanted to get hit or assaulted by her significant other. it is a way of calling someone out it is rude and challenging. the person asking person at best is a callous rude social inadept jack.... or at worst looking for a fight.
jessica

[Alex_C]

OK I asked if a transperson was trans just a couple of days ago. I was in Santa cruz, and there was this small person, my height and petite, with a nice set of natural boobs, a skirt, and a BEARD. The other person with them, guy? kinda spotted me and pointed me out to them - so I followed 'em into the store they were going into, an arty place where there was some privacy, and asked the cutie with the beard, if they were FTM or MTF, and said I'm FTM. They said they're going the other way, and not "as far along as it looks" and I congratulated them, telling them they're brave, that guys like me go through really not much, but that gals like them have to do so much more and be so much more brave.

It was a kinda weird moment, but they seemed to be advertising that they're trans, and I wanted to talk with them a bit and succeeded. Maybe when she's further along I'll meet her again, seriously, I'd date her.

I think so far those who know me from before testosterone figure I'm just a big ol' dyke, those who don't know seem to 50/50 think I'm a big ol' dyke or a guy. We transguys just have to put up with so much less guff.

[Julie Marie]

If anyone guessed, they never said anything.  That would be pretty ballsy.  What you encounter depends on who is there.  If you go to a TS support meeting for the first time, well, people are going to guess 

If you are at an LGBT event I suppose someone might approach you but I doubt it would be to out you.

But out in the everyday world I don't know anyone who has been approached, but then again I haven't run into Alex 

Julie

[Bellaon7]

I try to keep in mind that I don't have as much to loose personally or professionaly as others do, but the idea that I'm supposed to hide or appologize for who & what I am just sends me into a spray n' pray kind of rage.

[K8]

Well, Bella, I'm more or less in the same situation, fortunately.  I don't have much to lose one way or the other as long as I don't run into an Enforcer – one of those idiots who feels they have the right to enforce through violence their narrow view of the world.

Generally, I don't know whether people see me as a cis-woman or trans-woman and usually don't care.  I just am who and what I am.  I even have fun with it.  (Why not?) 

At this conference I went to, I saw a man I've met several times in my old guise.  He was greeting participants as we signed in.  When he saw me, he said: We've met before, haven't we?  I gave him a slightly flirtatious look and said: Yes, but I was a different person then.  He looked so thoroughly confused that I took pity on him and glided off.    He didn't approach me again during the conference, but I'm sure I'll run into him at another of these events.  I might tell him how we met originally if he hasn't figured it out by then ... or not.

- Kate

[Alex_C]

I"m sure I"m surrounded by transwomen and transguys and just have no idea. The one I mention was FLAMING as Homer Simpson would put it, if you even halfway pass you'll pass with me! 

[paulault55]

I have my suspensions that this one woman that was in my summer bowling league was trans, tall, large frame, large shoulders, big hands and feet and uses some male mannerisms, however she is married or says she is and her husband also bowled and she said she had children.  At the time i was just starting to present as female full time, clothes, makeup etc but everyone called me by my male name as i was not out to them yet, she asked if i was  wearing eyeliner to which i said yes, i told her i was transitioning and her response was to give me a big hug, we talked a bit and i mentioned i needed to be fitted for a proper bra, she offered to go with me and mentioned several places, i thought it odd she was so friendly, her and her husband are bowling on the winter league and she is as friendly as ever. If she is trans she transitioned many years ago and is stealth and living as the woman she is and i would never out her but i have my suspicions.

Paula

[K8]

Paula, I've had women I am 99.99% sure are cis-women treat me this way.  (Praise be!)  I don't know that her being so friendly and helpful is a sign she is trans.

And that's the point isn't it?  You can't be sure.  Perhaps that's why some people hate us - because we insert that uncertainty into their lives.

- Kate

[Dawn D.]

Well, if you count someone sticking a camera in my face and snapping a picture as outing me in public, then I guess, yeah, it's happened. If anyone has been talking or pointing me out to others, I've never heard a word about it nor have I seen it.


Dawn

[Butterfly]

Before FFS, yes.  Almost every day, which led to demotion and eventually termination from my previous employer.  I work in a very customer-oriented profession & physical appearance is important.  It shouldn't be but unfortunately it is.

After FFS, new doors have opened up for me, and my former sour experiences are just a thing of the past .  This is why I say that without FFS, I (personally) couldn't have had a successful transition.

[Robin_p]

Been in transition since 2005. My problem are with a few acquaintance that feel the need to point out to other unknowing people that i am trans and my old name.

I proceed to point at my chest and to tell them to stop. I'm almost at the point to name calling myself (a-holes that they are). I'm Slowly cutting them out my life and ignoring them.

The people i meet today are more interested in my personality than what i am.

[FairyGirl]

people who do that are not your friends. If you've asked them nicely and they ignore your requests and continue to out you to strangers then it's time to write them off. I had one friend who did that a couple times but she finally got the message and stopped doing it. It takes people time to adjust, but if they do it without even trying to be correct then it's just being mean.