Introducing myself and story.

[Black Barbie Girl]

I came across this forum last night and decided to post.  I am a MTF post op living in DEEP stealth.  I had my SRS done by Dr. Preecha on Oct. 18th 1997.  Since then I left my past behind and moved on.  I am married to a wonderful man of 11 yrs.  We have a beautiful 3 yrs old daughter that we got using a surrogate. I am a stay at home mom and living a life that I only dreamed about.

The thing is my husband has NO IDEA about my past.  I told him early on in the relationship that I could have children because of medical issues and he was ok with that.  None of our friends, old co-workers, ex-boyfriend etc...  know about my past.  I am truly living deep in the closet.  I have a great relationship with my family and they have kept my secret.  I transition with I was 17 yrs old and I even have a young sister who doesnt know about my past. 

Fortunately because of my height and exotic looks I was a runway model for years in Paris, NYC, etc..  I am actual still signed with my NYC agency and again nobody has a clue.

Soometimes I feel so alone.  I know there has to be other women like me.  Married with children living in deep stealth but I also know that if they are truely like me they are hidden too.  I got everything I ever wanted  but never really understood the reality of that.  I will NEVER tell my husband my past bevasue I am scared to death of losing EVERYTHING.  I will say living in that fear has taken its toll on me but I have no idea on how to change that. 

I look at my daughter and feel like Im a fraud. What if she knew about my past?  Is she getting  the crap end of the stick by having me as her mom?  I love her to death and I am a good mom but I feel like if they knoew what I really was everyone would hate me.

I still cant see living any other way.  I LOVE blending in as just one of the girls.  I love that for the last 20 yrs I never have to explain my past.  I have soo many friends that are like family I would be scared to know that they found out.  I would lose my career.  Everything I worked for. 

Anyways I just wanted to be able to actually say these things even if its just online.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Black Barbie Girl ,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

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You are in a really tough place.  Your husband doesn't know.  Maybe he would careless, but that is a risk.  I understand that you want to chat with other women who are in deep stealth, but would being here risk your life. 

There are some girls here that can relate.  I am pre-op and have no words of wisdom, but I welcome you as a sister and a friend.

Blessed Be.
Janet

[Black Barbie Girl]

Thank you Janet!!  I really appreciate the kind and wonderful welcome.  This is definitely a huge step for me.  My husband is in the livingroom with the baby so I can get away and check the site for a little while.  I'm a stay at home mom so basically I can check all day without really worrying.

My husband is a kind, loving AMAZING man and I wish I could share this with him.  I just feel that even if he would have been ok with it after 11 yrs of lying he would feel our whole relationship was a lie.  I transition with my best friend from high school and she once said that we chose this life and now that I got what I want I cant complain now.  Sometimes I think she right.  I havent spoken to her in several years either.  She's stealth too but once it got serious with hubby/then boyfriend I knew I had to drop EVERYONE who could tell my secret.  Sad too because we've been friends since we were 15 yrs old and actually started taking hormones a week apart in High School.  Now I wish I could talk to her but I am scared to open up pandora box.

Looking forward to meeting ladies on here who understand me.

[Asfsd4214]

Thank you Janet!!  I really appreciate the kind and wonderful welcome.  This is definitely a huge step for me.  My husband is in the livingroom with the baby so I can get away and check the site for a little while.  I'm a stay at home mom so basically I can check all day without really worrying.

My husband is a kind, loving AMAZING man and I wish I could share this with him.  I just feel that even if he would have been ok with it after 11 yrs of lying he would feel our whole relationship was a lie.  I transition with my best friend from high school and she once said that we chose this life and now that I got what I want I cant complain now.  Sometimes I think she right.  I havent spoken to her in several years either.  She's stealth too but once it got serious with hubby/then boyfriend I knew I had to drop EVERYONE who could tell my secret.  Sad too because we've been friends since we were 15 yrs old and actually started taking hormones a week apart in High School.  Now I wish I could talk to her but I am scared to open up pandora box.

Looking forward to meeting ladies on here who understand me.

Hi BBG.

There's no easy way to say it, this is a really hard situation to be in, and there may not be any way out that doesn't end in heartbreak. First of all I would recommend that you make absolutely sure there's no evidence on the computer your husband could stumble across. Whether you decide to tell him or not, I'd imagine it would would be far worse if he found out on his own.

Make sure to delete any history in your web browser, it depends what you use as to how to actually do it. If your husband also uses this computer, if nothing else, make sure to stay logged out of susan's when you're not using it. If he were to find the site with you logged in, he could find out for sure exactly why you were here. It might also be a good idea to come up with a reason you were here you can tell him if he were to somehow find out, without seeing this post in particular.

Now that that's out of way.

I really don't know what you should do. I honestly think the right thing to do would be to tell him. But I know it's very possible it could destroy your marriage.

Maybe you could test the waters, steer a conversation onto the topic and see how he responds, not giving any indication about your motivation.

If you do tell him though, not knowing you or your husband my line of thinking would be to emphasize that you're still the same person you've always been. And that you're telling him because you hated feeling dishonest towards him.

Good luck.

[jesse]

in my humble oppinion leave well enough alone if you want to talk come talk to us but risk nothing he may be understanding if it came out or he may not and the weight of it could kill you or him then were would your daughter be, and for what to help you feel better about discisions made long ago that cant be changed. leave the past buried where it belongs enjoy the life youve built and grow old with your family.
hugs
jessica

[Northern Jane]

Hi BBG!

I TOTALLY understand where you are at in life! I transitioned and had surgery in 1974 at the age of 24. I was disowned so I moved away and lost all contact with family and everyone I knew before. I was hardly "exotic" but pretty enough to turn heads in a bikini and attract my share of guys. No one knew my medical history and I didn't tell - I figured I was ME and anything that came before was irrelevant.

I married the first time in 1976, at the age of 26. My husband didn't know. The marriage didn't last (for other reasons). After my husband and I split, some GD reporter managed to ferret out the story (this was before legal name and sex change) and it ran in the newspaper. My Ex was irate, he felt betrayed because I didn't trust him enough to tell him. I moved again, to a different part of the country.

A few years later I was being courted by another man and things were getting serious. I had decided to tell him before things turned intimate but it didn't work out that way. I ended up telling him part way through the first night we spent together and he turned out to be remarkably understanding and sympathetic. That marriage lasted 13 years and he was my biggest supporter and defender, particularly when a medical centre employee made my medical history the topic of local gossip.

Since then (about 15 years ago) I have been progressively more open about my childhood. It isn't that "everybody" knows, just that it isn't a deep dark secret any more. The vast majority of people don't see me any different - they have known me only as a woman and the thought of my being anything else is just incomprehensible to them - but the "advantage" is that I can no longer be outed.

I have one dear friend in New York who is also in the same situation as us, "long term deep stealth", but those who have stuck their head out of the shadows are extremely rare.

I'd like to talk more but I am running out of time .....

I would like to suggest you find a good counsellor and talk to him/her yourself. Express your concerns, your feelings, and maybe they can help you work toward a way to bring this all out in the open to your husband.

****HUG***

[Miniar]

Hey hey and welcome

after 11 years (plus however long you knew him before) there's no way to out yourself without really hurting his feelings.
While you may have felt you were as honest with him as you could be, odds are that he would feel horribly betrayed, and that the woman he loved had never existed.
And he would be even more hurt if he found out on his own, so yeah.
Be careful about being on this site.
Wipe your history and all that jazz.

Similarly, if you find yourself in a situation where he is guaranteed to find out, one way or another, you make sure you tell him first.

Other than that, I don't think there are many deep stealthed girls around. There are a few stealthed girls or girls who intend to go into stealth when they're ready, so I'm sure you'll find someone to talk with on that subject.

I'll give you the heads up though;
A lot of folks here are not at all interested in being stealth, for any number of reasons.
Me, I got good people (friends, family and a husband), who accept me as is, and a daughter to think of. I couldn't possibly even think about leaving them behind and going off to start a "new" life somewhere away from them.
Mind you, that's just my own opinion as to why "I" choose not to take that path myself.

Stealth is also a very touchy subject to certain people and many topics on the subject tend to become heated. Just so you're aware.

[Black Barbie Girl]

I definitely want to point out my intent is to NOT start a heated discussion on rather to go stealth or not. I know its a touchy subjust and I can understand why.  I would however like to be able to talk about MY particular situation.  Maybe there is one other person in the world like me? I'm sure there is. Maybe someone will see my story and chose to take another path?  Who's know I just want to be honest about my feelings here.

I have NO intention on telling hubby.  The risk is much too great for me. I just want to be able to say what's in mind out loud. KWIM?  I do make sure I delete ALL history. All search things that could possibly lead to here. He's not homophobic at all but still I try and stir away from talking about Trans stuff.

Again I wanna thank you ladies for the wonderful support here. When I start hormones at 17 yrs old (premarin, provera and TACE) I dreamed about this life being a mom in the burbs with my husband.  The one thing I NEVER thought about is when you get it the stress it would put on you hiding and looking over your shoulders everyday. Loving someone so much and wondering if the life you built will come crashing down.

I do agree with a previous poster I would like to talk to a counselor who deals especially in these issues.

[Miniar]

The one thing I NEVER thought about is when you get it the stress it would put on you hiding and looking over your shoulders everyday. Loving someone so much and wondering if the life you built will come crashing down.

I do agree with a previous poster I would like to talk to a counselor who deals especially in these issues.

I don't think anyone could be perfectly aware of the stress of it before hand, let alone prepared...

I do think a gender therapist would be a good idea. Just make sure it's a qualified practitioner to which the doctor-patient type confidentiality applies.
Not just in a "just in case" sort of way of thinking, but also because if you're 100% certain you can rely on that person's confidentiality then you will be more comfortable, and more open, and more able to speak your thoughts and emotions without hesitation, which in turn will make the therapist far more able to help.

And I know that you've no intention of starting a heated discussion, I'm just pointing it out so you won't get blindsided.

[Black Barbie Girl]

And I know that you've no intention of starting a heated discussion, I'm just pointing it out so you won't get blindsided.

Oh I know you were trying to help me out.  I belong to a few stay at home mom forums and trust me I know how these things can go. 

Post Merge: November 24, 2009, 11:13:09 AM
Hey I was PM'ed by a member and I wanted to respond but I can't seem to figure out how to do so??

Anyways I wanted to say thank you to her and yes I understand what you mean. 

[Janet_Girl]

You need 15 posts to reply Barbie.  But replying  here was a good thing.

[Black Barbie Girl]

Thank you Janet! 

And by the way your PM had me LOL'ing!!  It definitely not all bad and it truly is a wonderful thing.

[Northern Jane]

Sorry Barb - that was my PM (I imagine) - I forgot about the 15 posts thing. I hope at least you were able to read it.

[Janet_Girl]

Oh she got them.  She just can't answer yet, except here.



Janet

[Valentina]

Hiya BBG, if you've been married to your husband for 11 years & he doesn't know, I wouldn't tell him anything.  I understand the need to talk to other people that are transsexual & this is what this site is for, but as far as divulging your past in real life, no way.  I wouldn't do it.  You've already pointed out the reasons why.

[qRachelp]

Black Barbie Girl- You ARE "living the dream", and I don't think you're a fraud at ALL.

You didn't get to choose which sex you would physically become while you were in your mother's womb.  You also didn't get to choose which hormones would affect the development of your fetal brain.  So wires got crossed and you were born with a female mind inside a male body.  NONE of this is your fault, so you are not to blame for changing your physical self to match your mental self.  You are actully to be admired for it.

You are also not to be blamed for western society's stigma towards transgendered persons, therefore your "secret" is a white one (not evil or malicious), and you have my full support as the woman, wife, mother and human being that you ARE.

Love,
Rachel

[Black Barbie Girl]

Thank you ALL for the wonderful support!  You dont know how much that means to me. I thought about it yesterday and I do want to point out that I am VERY lucky and blessed girl.  My post seemed to be complaining and like i'm not greatful but this isn't the case.  I am so greatful that I am scared of losing it all.  I do know I am living the dream for a girl like me and for that I am VERY thankful!

I am just happy I found you ladies and can talk freely when I need too. 

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!  I am cooking dinner at my home and my family and brother-in-law are having dinner here so i'll be a busy girl   Enjoy ladies!!!

[Black Barbie Girl]

Thank you!!!  You are sooo right and I needed to hear that. To be clear I don't plan to EVER tell my hubby,  I was just saying how hard it is knowing the secret and worrying if it will all come crashing down.

I really like the way you look at thing and I would say you are right.  My therapist said years ago when I was getting married that you are who you are now.  No need to say anything because you are a woman and that's it.  I need to keep that in mind.  Thank you!!

Hmmm..okay, for the sake of this thread and many similar others on this website, I'll use the term "stealth" although I have to admit that to say that one is "stealth" is totally misleading, for it implies that one is deceitful and a liar.

if you've been with your husband for so long, and he has accepted the fact that you can't bear children, why do you feel the need to tell him anything?  And if you do tell, what exactly are you supposed to say to him or to your daughter?

You say you feel like "a fraud"?  I'm not quite sure what you mean, but aren't you female, a woman, the wife of your husband, the mother of your daughter?  

I also transitioned many years ago, during my late teens/early twenties, had SRS some years ago.  My co-workers, close friends, acquaintances know me as a what I am, a girl.  And with the exception of my boyfriend, family & medical providers, no one else knows about my private, medical history.  There's no reason for them to know.  Believing that they have to know "the truth" would mean that I consider myself to be "less than, other than, different than" SIMPLY female/a woman/a girl.

The essence of all this boils down to one simple factor; the only truth there is is that I know that I'm a woman because I knew from that first instant of self awareness that is what I am.  And that's all there's to it.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.