I hate it want want to get rid of it (graphic)

[Melissa]

I hate that thing between my legs.  First of all, it is a bad size.  It's too small to stay nicely in place when tucked and too big to easily hide.  Besides that I have some other problems.  The skin gets all "peely" and there is one area where the skin frequently "splits" like a chapped lip.  It hurts to urinate a lot of the times, like my urethra has shrunk or something and I hate how it looks.  I just want to get rid of the stupid thing and get a real female part.  The only thing that keeps me from cutting the thing off is the fact that I will need the skin for the vagina.  I have been trying to exercise patience, but this is really the last real thing that bugs me about myself.  I can live with the rest of my body how it is (minus remaining facial hair), but the "thing" has to go.  I need a minimum of 6 months RLT before I can get SRS if I went to Supporn (whom I want to go to regardless) and that's still 3 months to go.  However, I have been trying to stretch out the full year.  I do not have the money for SRS right now and I don't see how I could get it within 3 months anyways.  Even if I live on bare minimums, I still have and ex and kids that need money and according to my ex's lawyer, whe would be getting about 60% of my paycheck.  If she does and I can't EVER afford SRS, then I will kill myself or cut it off at the very least.  It really does drive me that insane sometimes.  I would probably resort to some less than honest means to get money before I ever got to that point though.  I mean it IS that critical to get this problem taken care of.  The only way I've been able to deal with it is that I have hope that I will be able to have surgery in the next couple years and I concentrate on the good parts of life.  So far it's working, but will this technique hold out?

Melissa

[Kate]

The skin gets all "peely" and there is one area where the skin frequently "splits" like a chapped lip.

Consider having a doc take a look at that - especially if it's persistent and reoccurring. I know, I know, heckuva appointment to make, but.. STILL.

It hurts to urinate a lot of the times...

Spiro can do that, as I hear it makes some people go CONSTANTLY. I sometimes wonder if the pain some people report is from overuse

The only thing that keeps me from cutting the thing off is the fact that I will need the skin for the vagina. 

Right! So don't do it! Think of it as a potential vagina... a source of future vaginal skin that you're cultivating.

If she does and I can't EVER afford SRS, then I will kill myself or cut it off at the very least.

Awl, <hugs>, I understand your frustration, I really do... BUT, cutting it off will just defeat everything you're working towards. Remember, you're the one who just posted about how unbelievable it is you are where you are now. This whole path seems to be so destined for you.. so have faith! Trust the process, as my therapist would say. You may not see a way to get there soon, but as you've reported, you Just Never Know. Give your destiny a chance.

[Melissa]

Thanks Kate.

Awl, <hugs>, I understand your frustration, I really do... BUT, cutting it off will just defeat everything you're working towards. Remember, you're the one who just posted about how unbelievable it is you are where you are now. This whole path seems to be so destined for you.. so have faith! Trust the process, as my therapist would say. You may not see a way to get there soon, but as you've reported, you Just Never Know. Give your destiny a chance.

I do have faith and that's one of the things that keeps me going.  It was just I had the skin split on me yet again while using the bathroom that set me off.  It really hurts when it does too.  I did say I would probably try some underhanded ways of coming up with the money before I killed myself or cut it off. But if I find I will never be able to get the money, then I won't be able to live with it.  I'd prefer having a vagina, but if SRS isn't a viable option, I'd rather have nothing down there.   I may just settle for a cheap SRS doctor and have it be really shallow as well before cutting it off.  I just don't feel I have a good set of choices in my future.

Melissa

[Kate]

But if I find I will never be able to get the money...

I'm always reminded of Annah Moore's story...

She found herself with no way to ever pay for SRS on her own. Yet one day she was driving along, her cell phone rang, and it was her parents saying that they had come into some unexpected money recently, and wanted to pay for her SRS. She says she just about drove off the road, lol, as I don't think her parents seemed THAT supportive.

Now I know your parents aren't being helpful, so I'm not saying that this will literally happen. But I bet SOMEthing will.

And you're too smart for me to lecture you about less-than-noble means to get the money. AIDS, hepatitus, rape, murder...

Not to be mean and callous, but IF being anatomically correct REALLY is important to you - than it should be more important than even the dispair and frustration you're feeling. If it's REALLY that important, you aren't going to screw up your chances by cutting it off, killing yourself, or resorting to risky, stupid behaviour. You'll bide your time and WAIT, plan, and hope until your dream comes true.

[Melissa]

She found herself with no way to ever pay for SRS on her own. Yet one day she was driving along, her cell phone rang, and it was her parents saying that they had come into some unexpected money recently, and wanted to pay for her SRS. She says she just about drove off the road, lol, as I don't think her parents seemed THAT supportive.

Now I know your parents aren't being helpful, so I'm not saying that this will literally happen. But I bet SOMEthing will.

I hope you're right.

And you're too smart for me to lecture you about less-than-noble means to get the money. AIDS, hepatitus, rape, murder...

Actually, sex wasn't what I had in mind.

Not to be mean and callous, but IF being anatomically correct REALLY is important to you - than it should be more important than even the dispair and frustration you're feeling. If it's REALLY that important, you aren't going to screw up your chances by cutting it off, killing yourself, or resorting to risky, stupid behaviour. You'll bide your time and WAIT, plan, and hope until your dream comes true.

The point is, I would only resort to those things if I have no chances.  Therefore, there would be nothing to screw up.  Well, I hope I can and I will be living it out a little at a time.  As you've sen so far with my transition, I'm not one with a lot of patience sometimes.  It's just that "it" almost seems to be deteriorating on it's own.  For now, I will look into getting money any way I can.

Melissa

[BrandiOK]

  My roommate had the same problems with the skin chaffing and irritation Melissa.  Her dermatologist said it was the result of "tucking".  The tucking rubs the skin to the point where it can't protect you from the bacteria and such that cause irritations.  This all occurs a warm, moist enviroment that is already ideal for bacterial or fungal growth.  The doctor prescribed a cream that helped heal the irritations while she also suggested applying powder after showers and throughout the day to absorb moisture and protect from the rubbing. 

  I found myself beginning to have similar issues and used powder religiously for a couple weeks and it worked really well.  I often had to reapply the powder several times a day but it was worth it compared to the discomfort I had before.

  You will be able to have SRS someday Melissa...I know it seems like there is no possible financial way that it's feasible in the near future but you, of all people, know how much things can change in a year.   You see your situation as it is now but in three months or six months or a year you will see it from a different perspective.  It most certainly will look different and I'll bet it will be a much more positive outlook.

<hugz> Time doesn't heal all things but it often does change the way we see them.

[Melissa]

Thanks Brandi.  I sure hope you're right.

Melissa

[Nero]

I can relate to that, Melissa.
I feel that way about my breasts. Sometimes I feel them brush up against my arm or something and it makes me want to vomit.
And then I get depressed and think there's no hope.
So has the hatred of it been a steady thing always?
Because sometimes the intensity for me comes and goes.
But you know about the bizarre relationship I have with my breasts.

And Melissa, about the umm..., alternative ways of coming up with the money.
You have just moved, you're going through a divorce, you're at the peak of your transition.
Please don't do anything drastic. Do it only when you've exhausted all possible avenues.
Melissa, you have a good career that you enjoy, you have kids, your transition is going well - please don't take the chance of losing all this.

[Melissa]

I feel that way about my breasts. Sometimes I feel them brush up against my arm or something and it makes me want to vomit.
And then I get depressed and think there's no hope.
So has the hatred of it been a steady thing always?
Because sometimes the intensity for me comes and goes.

For the most part, the intensity of hatred comes and goes, but as time goes on, it seems to increase more each time it comes and decrease less each time it goes.

And Melissa, about the umm..., alternative ways of coming up with the money.
You have just moved, you're going through a divorce, you're at the peak of your transition.
Please don't do anything drastic. Do it only when you've exhausted all possible avenues.
Melissa, you have a good career that you enjoy, you have kids, your transition is going well - please don't take the chance of losing all this.

Ok, thanks Nero.

Melissa

[umop ap!sdn]

*hugs*

I sympathise with you, Melissa.

[Owen]

Hi Melissa,
               I can understand your feelings. I feel the same way about my appendige hanging down there. I sometimes wish it would just fall off and end my misery. It's just a cruel reminder I'd like to forget. I sympasize with you.

Owen

Love being female

[Hazumu]

I can't hate my 'raw material'. Mostly, I've just been ambivalent about it.  I'm also not so much a woman trapped in the body of a man, but a woman trapped in the societal role of a man.  Still, I can't wait for SRS and what comes after (LEGALLY female!)

Melissa, I feel for you.  That kind of discomfort only reminds you you've not become whole yet.  I find the need for the kinesthetic feeling of having the correct anatomy that tucking provides (and I bet you do, too.)

What are you using to tuck?  I too have gotten a bit chafed from time to time. I use the steffie-gaff, and I bought a bunch of control-top pantyhose for 'em as irregulars at a VERY good price.  I change them daily and throw 'em in the wash along with everything else (but NOT the dryer!!!)  A set usually lasts several washes before quitting.

I also use a hair dryer to dry there.  I use it anyway to prepare the patch mating surface when I reapply them after they come loose, so it ain't no big thang to use it on -- other areas.

Lastly, I find that sometimes readjustment is necessary.  But that's me.  I only present the above information in hopes you may find something that works for you.

See you this weekend! (PM me contact info for when I get checked in  )

Karen

[Buffy]

I used to feel the same way when I first transitioned, I hated what was between my legs with a vengence, it got in the way of my thoughts and feelings and was a constant physical reminder of what I hated about myself.

I used to bath, rather than shower, so I could hide the thing under bubblebath and not have to look at it, only using a sponge to clean it.

BUT.... the further I went into transition, the more I lived, passed and integrated into society, it actually became LESS of an issue for me. It became an irritation, rather than my focus of hate and revulsion.

AND I almost got to the stage, where I actually considered NOT having SRS.

So why did I... well I wanted to experience sex as a woman and that meant having a vagina for me.

It was the icing on the cake, SRS was not a big deal for me, infact it did NOTHING in making me pass better, FFS was far more important for that as was voice and mannerisms.

A piece of me will forever be somewhere in Thailand, gone but not forgoten and definately not missed.

Becky

[Kate]

BUT.... the further I went into transition, the more I lived, passed and integrated into society, it actually became LESS of an issue for me.

Interesting! I'm worried it'll work the other way for me, as for now, I don't particularly think about it. It seems annoyingly gender-specific when aroused , but otherwise, it's just... THERE.

But my fear is that it'll be like having a nasty scratch on the hood of a dented, dirty car. The scratch just doesn't matter so much amoungst all the other problems... but if you fix the dents and clean it up, suddenly that scratch is the worst thing in the world. It stands out and ruins the entire package.

[Melissa]

Ok, first of all, a big thanks to everybody who has responded so far.

Second of all I am MUCH LESS gender dysphoric than I used to be.  Going fulltime made a HUGE difference.  It's just now this has moved to the top of the "most annoying things" list.  I love living as a woman and honestly most days I don't think about my genitals, except when using the bathroom.  Even then I don't always have these feelings.  Yesterday was just a particularly bad day for me not liking it and probably the second strongest urge to get rid of the thing since transition began.  The strongest had me screaming and in tears , but I won't get into that.  I do feel these urges to correct (read as utter hatred towards) my genitals from time to time and I am afraid that if all hope dissolves, I will do something drastic.  I know it's possible for the conditions to be right and that does kind of scare me.  Like I said, the dysphoria is MUCH BETTER than it used to be.  Don't think that transition hasn't been helping so far, because it has.  In fact, most of the time I feel pretty good about myself and I even smile often.

Karen, for tucking, it depends on what I'm wearing.  If I wear a skirt, I will either wear hosiery (tights or control top pantyhose) and that hold it in place the best, otherwise I only use my underwear to hold it in place.  If I go with bare legs, I just let it "settle" where it wants and it doesn't show with the skirt (unless it's really thin material).  If I wear jeans, I like to wear tight jeans so the jeans hold it in place (It's not big enough to show through the tight jeans).  For my swimsuit, I got a really good one.  First of all, it has floral patterns to help "distract", second it has a skirt, third, it's a lower cut and wearing underwear or even a Stephiegaff underneath isn't too difficult.  Most of the time I don't have a problem, but every so often it will "slip" while wearing jeans or my swimsuit and I have to run off and re-tuck and hope nobody notices while I run off.

By the way, the "peely" thing started before I was ever regularly tucking.  In fact, it has happened long before transition, except it used to only happen from time to time.  However, now it does it constantly, like the thing wants to fall off a small piece at a time.

Melissa