gender dysphoria the magician

[lauren3332]

hi, I think I have finally come to terms with who I am but I still have a few lingering doubts.  I think I am a transsexual but it does not seem to bother me a whole lot sometimes.  I go to school and focus a lot on that and I realize that if my dysphoria does not bother me enough to tear me away from my school work, then it must not be that bad.  Everytime I think I have beaten it though, there is something that keeps calling me back and reminds me that my "girl self" exists.  I can go through periods and be fine, then one day it's just BAM.  After awhile I will be fine again.  Sometimes I feel myself getting emotional just looking at all the other girls in school for no apparent reason at all. 

[Just Kate]

You'll find that gender dysphoria does ebb and flow.  There are times when you are able to "focus" out of it, and others times it will draw so much of your energy you'll be unable to focus on anything else.  When in the times where it isn't so bad, be sure to take good psychological care of yourself so the bad times will not be as bad.

[cynthialee]

hi, I think I have finally come to terms with who I am but I still have a few lingering doubts.  I think I am a transsexual but it does not seem to bother me a whole lot sometimes.  I go to school and focus a lot on that and I realize that if my dysphoria does not bother me enough to tear me away from my school work, then it must not be that bad.  Everytime I think I have beaten it though, there is something that keeps calling me back and reminds me that my "girl self" exists.  I can go through periods and be fine, then one day it's just BAM.  After awhile I will be fine again.  Sometimes I feel myself getting emotional just looking at all the other girls in school for no apparent reason at all.

I think that the highlighted part says it all sweety.

[lauren3332]

I don't really see how that says it all, but it is an indication of something.  it does not happen all the time.  I do not cry or anything.  Usually it stops after a couple of minutes.  I am very weird and bouncy with this.  I know I could never pass and my presentation and mannerisms are very masculine but something keeps calling me back over and over.  I do not think that I am putting on an act.  Then I think, well if I am not really putting on an act and I am not like this a lot of the time, then I must not really feel this way.  Then at some later time, the feeling returns and makes me think that I want to trasition.  I know that this makes no sense at all.  I do not know what triggers these episodes.  I could be "normal" maybe if somehow I got them to stop, but then they would probably come again some other way.  Not that I like feeling horrible, but in a way I want them to stay because they are kind of a part me somehow and so if I throw it away, I might be destroying an important part of myelf. 

Somehow I have denied and confirmed my issues all in the same paragraph.  I am full of contradictions.  At least most of you on this forum know who you are and were before you transitioned.  Even if I can never transition or decide I do not want to, I at least want to know who I am. 

[Nigella]

hi, I think I have finally come to terms with who I am but I still have a few lingering doubts.  I think I am a transsexual but it does not seem to bother me a whole lot sometimes.  I go to school and focus a lot on that and I realize that if my dysphoria does not bother me enough to tear me away from my school work, then it must not be that bad.  Everytime I think I have beaten it though, there is something that keeps calling me back and reminds me that my "girl self" exists.  I can go through periods and be fine, then one day it's just BAM.  After awhile I will be fine again.  Sometimes I feel myself getting emotional just looking at all the other girls in school for no apparent reason at all.

Yeah, its does ebb and flow, its the nature of the beast. However there is a great amount of evidence and experience fro others that says it will not go away. So the question is one of managing the dysphoria. Some can live with it in male mode and do not transition others have to transition because it becomes so overwhelming and debilitating and there are all those in between.

I still look at other women and think its not fair that I was not born gg. Not being able to give birth the male disfigurements, etc. It would be best if you haven't already is to go to a gender specialist and talk things over with them. It should makes things clearer in time.

Transition is not easy and it turnes your whole life upside down so you really have to know in your heart and soul that its the only way forward.

Take care

Stardust

[lauren3332]

I am younger, I will 24 in december.  I was fine until the age of 15.  Then I started to become interested in crossdressing.  I desired to wear only one item and as time went on I desired to wear other things and then just crossdressing was not enough.  I not only gave myself a new first name but also a new middle name as well.  Back before I name myself Lauren Chelsea, I made my first email account at hotmail under the name ashley stevens.  Back then though I did not feel dysphoric at all.  It was just a playful thing I did.  This is also why I have doubts.  How could my feelings develop from something stupid and playful to something serious?  I make the ->-bleeped-<- look like a joke in a sense.  Now somehow it has become serious.  Actually, it has been an on again off again serious thing since late 03 early 04.  There is enough evidence to suggest I have GID as there is to suggest I do not.  Sometimes I feel the need to hug these girls that trigger these feelings.  I guess I feel this way because I think, that since I can never become like them, I can at least have them close to me. 

[Dani]

Lauren,

When I was 17, I made a decision to try to be a man even thought the feelings deep within me were strong. I did all the manly things, but those feelings never went away. I still struggle to this day.

This forum is about the only outlet I have to live the way I should have many years ago. Who knows, something may happen to my situation.

Whatever you deceide to do be sure of yourself and accept yourself first.

Dani

[Calistine]

It happens to me all the time. I feel confident as a man, totally male. But when I think too much I think to myself maybe I am really a girl, maybe this is a mistake. Its so frustrating I hate it, because I know I was never a girl. But it comes and goes.

[Julie Marie]

The ebb and flow changes over time if the matter isn't properly addressed.  The ebb ebbs and the flow really flows until you've got a major problem on your hands.

Try to find a gender therapist.  A good one will help you get to the root of the matter.

Julie

[K8]

At least most of you on this forum know who you are and were before you transitioned.

I don't think so.  I didn't.  I knew I had to start.  I didn't know how far I would want to go.  I certainly didn't know if I could make it to the end (wherever that is).  For me, as each door opened I wanted to open the next one.  Now, six months into full-time as Kate, I am finally discovering who I am - who I really am.

Opening up to others and to oneself and transitioning are all journeys of self-discovery.  As Julie said: get someone to help you work through your feelings and discover your needs.

Happy trails.

- Kate

[Eva Marie]

At least most of you on this forum know who you are and were before you transitioned.

eh.... not so much. I figured out my GID around 44. Before then, I just knew that I was "different" in some way, i didn't fit in with a lot of people, and I wasn't like most men.

After 44, I was able to finally put a label on it - GID.

Since then, I have experienced the ebb and flow of GID. Some days it's not even on the radar, some days its almost overwhelming.

I identify as androgyne, but i've also allowed for the possibility that my GID may come to a point where I have to do something about it. Even though i've dipped my toe in the estrogen pool (I wanted to know what it was like, and I liked it), for now I can quench my GID with crossdressing.

But I will agree in that it is finally nice to know more about who I am.

[Silver]

Ay, I know how you feel. If you're anything like me, I assure you, it only gets worse and worse with time.

Think about it, maybe wait a bit. At some point you'll feel like you can't stand it and then you'll be sure.