Help! My coming out schedule has been hi-jacked!

[Jamie-o]

I need some advice.

A little background, first.  My mom's sister and her husband are the sort of people who try to run everyone's lives.  To make matters worse, my uncle has, for the past couple years, been going on an ultra-right-wing kick.  The guy thinks Rush Limbaugh is the smartest guy on the planet.    Last year he told my mom that he thought they should all do an "intervention" on me because I "didn't know how to me feminine enough".  (My mom told him I was 10 times the person he was, and hung up on him.  )  These are the people I am most not looking forward to coming out to.

Meanwhile, I've been on T for roughly 6 months.  I'm at that confusing, but not really passing stage.  I've officially changed my name, and I'm due to come out at work in two weeks.  (For those of you following the drama, my coming out date was pushed back a week.)  It's a highly stressful time for me at the moment, especially in regard to transition.

I wasn't planning on telling them anything until I was so completely masculine that it was obvious anyway.  Keep in mind, I usually only see them a couple times a year, usually at Christmas and/or Thanksgiving, and it was unlikely I would be seeing them this year because they were planning on hosting, and I have to work both Christmas day and Thanksgiving day.

Here's where the hi-jacking comes in.  My uncle called my mom the other day and informed her that he's dropping her sister off for a few weeks visit.  (He's been trying to dump her on various family members since she started having mild dementia issues a year ago.)  He's planning to drop her off some time in the next couple weeks.

So now I don't know what to do.  Do I go ahead and come out, and face the backlash before I'm ready to.  (Not to mention dumping my mom into the middle of it when she's just getting used to the idea herself.)  Do I stay in the closet for the indeterminate length of my aunt's stay?  Do I wait until he's back out on the road, (he's a truck driver) and then come out to my aunt, who will likely treat me like a stupid little girl but not be as obnoxious as her husband, and buy myself a few weeks before I have to deal with the major harassment?  Or is it better to get it all over and done with, and damn the consequences?

As I side note, I should point out that one of my mom's earliest observances was that my transition was likely to lead up to a total break with her sister because her sister's husband would likely be cruel about it, and if he is he will no longer be welcome at my mom's house.  And if he is not welcome, her sister will probably never speak to her again.  So, this decision doesn't affect only me.  Naturally, I'll be discussing it with my mom, since it's likely to affect her, too.  But I would really like to hear what all of you have to say. Thanks.

[V M]

Relatives can be so entertaining at times.

I've planned to come out a few times and got hijacked. Both last Christmas and this last B-Day I got somewhat fem. gifts. Family folks tend to talk to me like a girl lately. My mom and sister seem interested in hooking me up with guys and my sister thinks I should get a smaller dog so I can carry it in a shoulder bag.

Thing is... I never did come out to any of them

Granted I do appreciate their efforts. I think maybe they are trying to help me ease into my coming out to the rest of the family

Best Wishes - Virginia

[Cindy]

Hi Jamie

Thinking through this, and yes I'm 56 so things are different. I feel you have to live your own life. I understand the affect on your Mum and her sister but your Mum sounds supportive of you. The idiot uncle sounds just that, and what level of humanity can anyone dump their spouse on the rest of the family because she is becoming demented? And then demand that you change your life??

My advice? Come out. Force the issues. It's going to happen anyway. Guess what? Hiding doesn't work.

Hope it goes well.

Hugs my friend

Cindy

[placeholdername]

I agree with Cindy, trying to stay in the closet in that situation seems like a royal mess, and maybe the perfect setup for a strange romantic comedy, but not something you want to live through .  The only other thing I have to say is that there's no such thing as not being ready for it -- someone could out you tomorrow somehow and one way or another you'd have to deal with it.  I don't mean it to sound grim -- more like: you're already ready, even if you don't realize it.

...and my sister thinks I should get a smaller dog so I can carry it in a shoulder bag.

That really cracked me up!

[sneakersjay]

Just do it.  It's like ripping off a bandaid.  Better to do it all at once than drag it out.  Does your mother want to care for her sister with dementia?  Or does she feel obligated to?  Maybe your idiot uncle will take her someplace else.

I've been fortunate my distant relatives haven't said anything but positives; those who are negative (if there are any) have kept it to themselves.

It would be funny if your mother could keep a straight face and just introduce you as Jamie, her son, and not say anything else.  Watch the wheels turn as your aunt tries to figure it out.  Where's Jane?  And your mom says, Jane who?  I dont' have a daughter, I have a son.  You're losing it!

Sorry, dude.  Sucks.  But I'd just do it.  Good luck.

(sorry about my poor attempt at humor!)


Jay