What gender dysphoria means to me

[Calistine]

Every transgender person has a different definition of what gender dysphoria is. Some experience it every day, some every now and then when its triggered, some don't at all. But I do. And its worse than being the girl I'm not. I cringe when I refer to myself in such a way, and yet I have these doubts.
  The moment I was told I was a girl, I knew it was wrong. I knew I was a boy. But because I believed that adults were right and it just was the way it was, I ignored these feelings and just lived as a girl because it is what it is. It stayed in the back of my head for most of my life. But throughout my short life, it came into the front quite a few times. I just thought..whatever.
  When I came out as ftm I felt like I couldnt ignore the feelings I was denying anymore. I felt at peace with myself, I felt like me. But at times, maybe because of my body, because of society, because of my past, I dont feel complete. I feel like being female would be easier because its what I lived as all my life. That may be true, but will I be happy?
   When I look at my body, when I think too much, I say to myself, "Maybe I am a girl....maybe Im not a man...maybe Im just trying to pick up chicks...maybe I was happy my whole life and Im bull->-bleeped-<-ting". I think about it and it makes me sick to my stomach. I then realize I was never happy, that I like guys too and would be a lesbian if I was a girl, I hate my breasts, you know that stuff. I try to say to myself, "Stop this ->-bleeped-<-, you are a girl." Then no more then a minute later, I realize I cant do it. Im a guy..and Im living a lie. Later I feel content again, and I can be male. Its frustrating, its nauseating, it haunts me all day. I yearn for the day I can just be male and not think about it.
    Then theres my worst fear. Transitioning..and then regretting it. I can live as a man for years, take hormones, do surgery, feel complete. And I might not. It scares me. For this reason, I feel like Im moving to fast and I have to slow down.
Being told by my mother, "One day you might wake up and saying 'I like being a girl'" does not help at all. Do not listen to what others tell you. Its about what YOU want. 
    In the end, it helps to tell myself that even though I am a man, I still have a side of me that is female. And that is 100% okay with me. Whether you are a ftm or mtf and you have doubts like mine, if you accept the part of you may just be the opposite gender, you will likely feel at peace with yourself. It defintely helps until I have these thoughts of doubt. Its like a never ending circle to me. But since Im not going back to being female, this must have some point for me. I used to think I was alone, that all transmen were 100% sure they were male all the time. Im not alone, and neither are you.

[Alyx.]

You sound just like me, but backwards, lol. o.o

[K8]

You sound just like me, but backwards, lol. o.o

That's what I was going to say!

Really, Kyle, all this sounds very normal to me.  (Well, if being TS is normal. )  Just last week I woke up in the morning and said: This is nuts!  Why am I doing this?!  And then I remember that I am happier as Kate than I have ever been in my life.

Other than the fact that it's not possible, the reason you don't just get tapped with a magic wand to become your desired gender is that there are an awful lot of things to work through inside you.  The time it takes to transition is work time, to make sure this is what you want and to gradually become the person you need to become to be whole.

Baby steps.  When you are sure, take another.  When in doubt, pause.  If you really find this is wrong, backtrack.  Don't rush.  Go at your own pace.

Take care of yourself.

- Kate

[Calistine]

That's what I was going to say!

Really, Kyle, all this sounds very normal to me.  (Well, if being TS is normal. )  Just last week I woke up in the morning and said: This is nuts!  Why am I doing this?!  And then I remember that I am happier as Kate than I have ever been in my life.

Other than the fact that it's not possible, the reason you don't just get tapped with a magic wand to become your desired gender is that there are an awful lot of things to work through inside you.  The time it takes to transition is work time, to make sure this is what you want and to gradually become the person you need to become to be whole.

Baby steps.  When you are sure, take another.  When in doubt, pause.  If you really find this is wrong, backtrack.  Don't rush.  Go at your own pace.

Take care of yourself.

- Kate

Thanks Kate. I needed some wisdom here. I bet you here this alot but you inspire me because you prove its never too late to follow your dreams.

[old1]

Kyle

I can't really improve what K8 said.

Even at my age, I have the same doubts that come and go.  My current thinking is that there might be some middle ground.  I can never be all that I would like, but I don't have to settle for what I am.  At least, I feel better since adopting that outlook.

[FairyGirl]

one thing I've noticed about dysphoria is that it never goes away. Even now living every day as myself, with the physical and mental changes that HRT has already brought and looking forward to my SRS in the near future, I still have days when the dysphoria makes me absolutely ache for when I can finally be complete. I know how you feel dude, but backwards like the others said lol

[notyouraverageguy]

There was once this male, who thought he was mtf, he had surgery and took hormones to only later find out that he had made a mistake. He had already 'bottom sugery' and had his changes when he realized he wasn't mtf and regretted doing it... but this is only one guy out of like a cazillion tg! Lol... when you go through therapy and talk it out you'll realize what you really want, and who you are. And(if your sure your ftm tg) everthing else that was bugging you was just you trying to be 'normal' according to society... just follow your heart and don't let others opinions affect you... you are who you are, and sometimes it takes time to figure it out. Don't rush it, just relax.

[sneakersjay]

That's what therapy is for.  Hormones and surgery can wait.

I'm much older that most guys here, as are most of the ladies.  We know the dysphoria never goes away if you try to ignore it!

Nobody wants to transition.  Nobody wants to admit they're transsexual.  We all try very hard to live as our birth gender.  Until we can't do it any more.

All I know is: for me transition was the right thing.  I'm now just me.  My mother was all over the 'what if you change your mind?' and 'what if you're wrong?' thing.  I told her I'd lived half my life feeling like I was in the wrong body; if I was wrong I'd just live the other half that way too, so what was the difference?   She had no answer, LOL.

Take your time.  There is no rush.  There is no one right way.  Find your own path.

Jay

[Alyssa M.]

Jay, that's brilliant. I'll probably steal that, if you don't mind.

Gender dysphoria ... what did that feel like again? I'm starting to forget.

Except that, oh yeah, that weekend I spent with my family in boy mode recently. Wow. That sucked. That dagger in my heart literally every time I'd see a woman, or called "sir" or "son" or "uncle" or my legal name, that feeling of doom I'd get by putting on those old, wrinkle boy clothes I never wear anymore and haven't gotten around to giving away, the feeling of defeat and self-loathing I had by the time I left. How did I ever think that was "normal"?

I guess I agree with Chloe that I still feel dysphoria -- seeing my meager breasts, my square chin, my shadowed eyes hidden beneath my prominent brows, my utter lack of hips, my big hands and feet, the body hair that still isn't going away, my low vocal range, not to mention .... But it's totally different now. There's progress, and that means the feelings of being stuck and doomed to my existence just aren't there anymore. It's as though a major accident had shut down a highway, and finally it reopened and the traffic began to move. Even moving slowly is infinitely better than not moving at all.