Need help confronting fiance whom I discovered uses transsexual escorts

[Maria]

I'm not sure where to begin but I do want to say that I have the utmost respect for all living beings including transexuals, the gay community and everyone in general. I do not judge people and that is not what I want to do here, but I need help from your community.

My fiance, who I love and who loves me back, has been using ->-bleeped-<- escorts for the past year that we've been together.  I need to talk to him about that but I do not know how to approach him or the subject.

I've also discovered his use of heterosexual escort services and massage parlors.  My concern is all of the services he uses however the use of trannies concerns me because I fear he is in denial of his gayness and I would not want that for him.

Any help or direction on how to approach this would be appeciated.

[placeholdername]

Hi there.

First off, '->-bleeped-<-' is a derogatory word so it would be wise not to use it.  Just use 'transsexual'.

As for your situation, honestly your biggest issue isn't the kinds of escorts he uses or whether he is 'denying his gayness' -- it's that there are secrets between you!  What exactly they are is barely relevant.

Honestly if you want to confront him about it, just say that you discovered that he is using escort services, and see how that goes.  The fact that some of the escorts have been transsexuals really isn't a big factor compared to him cheating on you.  As for whether he is 'denying his gayness' or not, plenty of 'straight' men are attracted to transsexual women, it's really not a sign of being gay.

[Maria]

Thank you and my appologies for the use of that word.  It's how I see it being used unfortunately in my research.  You are correct, he is cheating on me and with who doesn't really matter. 

I have confronted him in the past and he has told me repeatedly that it would not happen again.  Obviously his word is worhless.

Thank you so much.

Maria

[finewine]

Hi Maria,

Evidently if he's cheating on you and you have felt it necessary to (presumably) do some sneaky checking up to catch him out, then unfortunately there's some deep seated weaknesses in the relationship - I'm really sorry to have to say that.

Without getting too much into the rights and wrongs of it, many men do have diverse and powerful sexual appetites - some, alas, try to satisfy their lusts on the sly.

This is a difficult situation to talk about - not least of all because it's nigh on impossible to have a open, free and frank conversation without it exploding into a blazing row.  After all, he knows he's cheating on you and probably would feel guilty and uncomfortable about being caught - and possibly awkward for his sexual tastes being exposed too.  The most common psychological defense mechanism is anger.

You are obviously feeling hurt, disappointed and betrayed, which means you're probably not in the best frame of mind for a calm conversation either

Even if you do manage to keep calm, you're probably not going to be able to talk him out of his sexual tastes and, based on the limited context of this thread, I doubt he'd be successful at resisting his desires or satiating them via role play with you (strap-ons or whatever it is that he's looking for...and even that assumes you're willing to entertain such things).

Frankly, the most probable outcome is that this relationship has run its course.  Again, I'm sorry to have to say this and I hope you can find happiness in the future.  Good luck!

[Maria]

Thank you Finewine, I appreciate your thoughts.  The truth of the matter is that he gave me access voluntarilly to his data because he acknowledges that he's had a problem with his sex life in the past. So I did not sneek on anything to catch him.  I know he wants a ''traditional lifestyle'' (for lack of a better definition) but I agree that it is only a matter of time before the urges take over.  I've offered to go through this together...have threesomes, seek councelling, whatever he needs.  I think he was seriously hurt in the past by previous relationships and that is what I want to find out with him.  He lives in the south so ''traditional'' lifestyle is so stressed upon him.  I live in Montreal where we re freer to express ourselves and being openly gay or transsexual is very accepted. 

This being said, I wonder if transsexuals feel that there is an agressive tendancy in otherwise ''straight'' men who seek out their services as escorts?  He is a great looking guy and such an angel otherwise...but I fear that he would be mean to the people who's services he buys.

This is all so confusing and there are children and family involved. 

[Dana Lane]

I would suggest getting him to go see a therapist. It sounds like he has a problem of some kind that needs to be discussed with a professional. While it is true that some straight men are attracted to transexual women if he is specifically asking for a transexual then that isn't the same.

It might also be good for you both to see a counselor of some type.

In any event, good luck with things and please keep us updated!

hugs

[Maria]

Thank you Dana,

I was just on the phone with a great mutual friend of ours who is a former minister and life coach.  He is a great support and he wants to see us both through this no matter what door is chosen.  He suggested I retreat a bit and let my fiance reach out to me.  Put the ball in his court and see how much he opens up about this.  We both agreed that I need to let him open up to me about this rather than me approaching him which could be very humiliating.  I don't want to humiliate...just understand. and help him, us through this.  Also, if I keep discovering what he's doing and accepting it then he has no reason to get out of his lying and cheating ways.  He only stands to get more creative so I have to put my limits down.

I also suspect that he may be bi-polar.  He suffers from slight depression but there are greater issues to deal with I'm sure.

My fiance is open to counselling and seeing a therapist as a couple.  This will all come out...I hope we can fix this. 

What a great support group you all are.  Thank you all for all your help and please keep helping me through this.  My goal is to help him even if it means loosing him.  I just can't leave him to deal with this alone.

[finewine]

Thank you Finewine, I appreciate your thoughts.  The truth of the matter is that he gave me access voluntarilly to his data because he acknowledges that he's had a problem with his sex life in the past. So I did not sneek on anything to catch him.

Oh.  Well then I apologise because I'm confused... your earlier messages said he'd cheated on you, that you'd discovered information, confronted him before and that you didn't know how to approach him on the subject.  I must be gravely misunderstanding you because that sounds like the polar opposite of someone volunteering information to me (except maybe *after* being confronted)

I know he wants a ''traditional lifestyle'' (for lack of a better definition) but I agree that it is only a matter of time before the urges take over.  I've offered to go through this together...have threesomes, seek councelling, whatever he needs.  I think he was seriously hurt in the past by previous relationships and that is what I want to find out with him.  He lives in the south so ''traditional'' lifestyle is so stressed upon him.  I live in Montreal where we re freer to express ourselves and being openly gay or transsexual is very accepted.

I applaud you for being so open minded and flexible in trying to make the relationship work.  Again, though, this seems incongruous with the (implied) overtones of your earlier statements about having confronted him in the past and how his word was "worthless" given he'd promised it wouldn't happen any more.

Therefore, I regret I will be unable to advise you further, except to say that seeing a therapist as a couple as previously mentioned would appear to be a very good idea.

All the best for the future!

[Alyssa M.]

You sound like a wonderful, patient woman, which probably isn't helping you right now. Your fiance probably shouldn't be in a relationship until he figures out how he can be open, faithful, unashamed, etc. You might well do him a favor to leave him. I know that the woman I nearly married definitely did me a favor by leaving me, and I'll always remember what she told me: "You need to figure out who you." She was right. Today she is a wonderful friend, whom I am utterly blessed to have in my life. Your fiance's issues perhaps aren't quite the same, but they sound familiar enough.

[Maria]

Finewine,

Yes, at first I found the info because my access was related to work.  Things unravelled and he gave me further access.  This is very hard for me to face and I find it difficult to express myself which is why I seem to have miscommunicated in my first message.  My fiance recently gave me full acess to many elements such as cell, credit cards bank account etc.  He obviously knows that if I have access I risk finding things.  The bottom line is that we both want this to work and he is making large efforts...however I do have to question this because it is very difficult to deal with this level of lying.  I think that is the hardest thing in all of this, the lying.

Alyssa, thank you for your personal experience.  It is very helpful.  Please understand that I have gone through every range of emotions here...it's so hard.  I just want to understand  his needs and to do this I need to talk to people who he is seeking.  At the same time I do not see any difference between a transexual and a regular person, especially not here.  I had a colleague once going through this process and I always respected his choice. I will not marry him at this stage.  Not until he figures himself out.  I'm trying to let him open up to me because I believe there is a great deal of healing through communication and respect.

[randi1214]

I would never have considered doing something like that.  I've got to think that says a lot about you BF.

[Kurzar]

I personally would not be marrying someone who has cheated with countless people. You can't trust him not to be bringing some disease home to you.  He's already proven he can't be trusted...I really don't feel a counselor will change his behaviour. Some people just shouldn't be pinned into relationships and you shouldn't feel the need to have 3somes just to keep him happy.  I personally have no respect for guys like him, no matter how 'nice' they seem. Makes me feel the niceness is just a facade.

[kimberrrly]

II've also discovered his use of heterosexual escort services and massage parlors.  My concern is all of the services he uses however the use of trannies concerns me because I fear he is in denial of his gayness and I would not want that for him.

gays are not sexually interested in TS woman.
From my experience the men that like TS usually live as straight guys, or bisexual. They do not like men.

There are some that think a non op TS has the best of boths worlds and they are attracted to that. But that doesnt make them gay, they would not date men, it is a different sexual preference that is not so well known or generally accepted.

The reasons one wants to date a TS can vary a lot.

from what I know and comes to mind:

- He is attracted to femininety in both men and woman
- he can be in denial and confused about his own sexuality.. (that -is- a possibility) but not likely....coz if he's gay why doesn't he date regular guys ?...
- He likes the best of both worlds
- He can be a transvestite or ->-bleeped-<- himself
- He feels more comfortable with a TS and confides in her more easely...

[Sarah Louise]

If he is "cheating" on you even before you marry (no matter who it is with), I would leave.  This is a sign it will continue no matter what your marital situation is.  It will bring you nothing but heartache.

Sarah L.

[rejennyrated]

Two further thoughts which I will add if I may...

You talk about using Transsexual "escorts" as possible indication of latent gay feelings. I would point out that most proper transsexuals (as opposed to the internet porn fantasy stuff) including those who work as escorts do actually get their lower plumbing/naughty bits adjusted, if you take my meaning. So the interpretation you put on this does slightly depend on what sort of transsexual escorts he was using - were they pre or post op.

Second by observation I would say that quite a lot of people who have questions about thir own gender but lack the courage to address the issue directly do visit these people as a way of living out their own fantasies vicariously without having to confront and resolve them.

So my advice would be, first, certainly tread cautiously before you marry someone who obviously has serious issues, and second, as you evidently gnuinely do care for him, you will do him a huge favour if you can find a way to encourage him to talk to a therapist about his own feelings and identity.