Approaching Straight Girls

[GnomeKid]

How do you go about it?

Especially when you're mid transition only passing 50% of the time?

[r.morgan]

Best advice I got was: Know before you start that not everyone is interested - you will strike out more often then not.  Relax because you already know it most likely won't go anywhere.  Smile and say, "Hello."

The simple truth is pick-up lines generally don't work because they are forced.  Just relax and talk to the person. 
You'll know fairly quickly if they are interested or not.

Take this with the grain of salt that I was born a guy.

[Alex_C]

Hmm. I have to agree with R. Morgan.

[finewine]

How do you go about it?

Especially when you're mid transition only passing 50% of the time?

Well the problem you're going to have, even if you get past the initial "hello", is whether a "straight" girl is going to have any interest ... not because of who you are but who she perceives (either by looking at you or by subsequent disclosure).

I realize that not everyone here agrees with me, so I stress this is my own personal opinion, but as a cis guy I've consistently found that all cis people cannot distinguish between anatomical sex and mental gender (unless they've had some understanding through exposure to the trans community).

This means that a "straight" cis person is extremely unlikely to view a relationship with someone of ostensibly the same anatomical gender as heterosexual - no matter what their mental gender.  This is why there is such a homophobic reaction (sometimes re-classified as transphobia but I assert it's really homophobia because they think trans == gay).  This is more profound with cis men than women, in my experience.

That said, sexuality is a spectrum too - so someone who identifies as straight could still be perfectly comfortable with a trans person.  You don't have to be absolutely, "kinsey zero" straight to identify as straight.

I guess my point is - don't fixate on the "straight" bit.  If you're attracted to someone and they're attracted to you, what the hell does orientation matter anyway?

[JonasCarminis]

...I guess my point is - don't fixate on the "straight" bit.  If you're attracted to someone and they're attracted to you, what the hell does orientation matter anyway?

exactly.

[emoglassesenvy]

as a straight girl, being honest here...    most likely would not be attracted if knowing right off the bat that you are trans...

you need to let straight girls get to know you as a guy so when you come out to them later, they will just see the real guy you that they have come to know. then they won't have (too many) pestering thought like "but if i like him... does that make me a lesbian?" that come from not fully understanding the woman-y parts that happen to be stuck to their boy friend..

[Miniar]

How about.. instead of "approaching" people as potential mates/partners/gfs/bfs/whatevers, you just approach them as human beings and talk to them because you want to "talk" to them, not get in their arms/pants.

Take sex/relationships out of the equation and just say hi.

[FlorDeLuna]

I agree with Miniar.

but I also wanted to say as a "straight" woman, I don't worry that being with a transman in any way makes me a lesbian. Granted, I have had sexual relationships with women and I'm not freaked out by that, so that may change things.

I more or less see it as dating a man who currently lacks a penis, (sorry if that's offensive) but like.. what if I met a man who had had an accident, or maybe was paralyzed and his "equipment" didn't work or wasn't there.. this is no different, in my mind.  He thinks, behaves and relates to me sexually as a man. He is a man, regardless of setup.

[Mr. Fox]

Yargh, Miniar, you have stolen my advice!

[Alex_C]

OK um, how do I say this? It's the male-female thing that makes us want to approach straight girls!

The "friend zone" is all well and fine, but it's the honest truth that we're attracted to them sexually, and don't just want to watch Dr. Phil and discuss Tupperware with 'em, we want to have some REAL fun.

And I guess that comes down to, you have to be a fun person to be around, if time spent around you is enjoyable, they will spend time around you.

[Silver]

I agree with Miniar.

but I also wanted to say as a "straight" woman, I don't worry that being with a transman in any way makes me a lesbian. Granted, I have had sexual relationships with women and I'm not freaked out by that, so that may change things.

I more or less see it as dating a man who currently lacks a penis, (sorry if that's offensive) but like.. what if I met a man who had had an accident, or maybe was paralyzed and his "equipment" didn't work or wasn't there.. this is no different, in my mind.  He thinks, behaves and relates to me sexually as a man. He is a man, regardless of setup.

You know, it'd be easier for us if there were more women who felt the way you do. But I guess a lot of the general public isn't even aware that FTMs exist, so when can they learn to accept us?

Sorry can't give you advice, I'm a failure with girls.

[Kris]

you need to let straight girls get to know you as a guy so when you come out to them later, they will just see the real guy you that they have come to know. then they won't have (too many) pestering thought like "but if i like him... does that make me a lesbian?" that come from not fully understanding the woman-y parts that happen to be stuck to their boy friend..

I agree, I pass as a guy and im not even on T.

I do have a girlfriend now but I did lie to her (dont ever do that) she thought I was a dude then I finally told her and that messed up our relationship a lot but she was really confused about maybe she was a lesbian but we sorted through the hell and still kinda am..

she said that she loves me for who I am inside and we talked about if she would have talk to me like that, in the first place if she knew i was born a girl and she said probably not because she sees herself as being straight.

So my best advise is to be straight up with her and get to know her first just by being friends with her. Go up to her and start just talking you know...

[emoglassesenvy]

as a "straight" woman, I don't worry that being with a transman in any way makes me a lesbian. Granted, I have had sexual relationships with women and I'm not freaked out by that, so that may change things.

she said that she loves me for who I am inside and we talked about if she would have talk to me like that, in the first place if she knew i was born a girl and she said probably not because she sees herself as being straight.

i don't think a straight girl having the thought of "does this make me a lesbian?" is too out there... of course the answer is "no! because he's a boy!" but just having the thought even if only to shoot it down right away is i think a normal process of trying to understand one's own sexuality and getting a grip on what dating a transman really means.

my boyfriend came out to me only after 8 months of an awesome friendship that was getting into the 'well there might be something more to this' stage. he basically told me that he liked me... and i told him i felt the same way. then he came out to me right then. so i had all of the information before i decided to get into a relationship with him.

by that point in our amazing friendship, those words didn't throw me too much. however, i have to admit, if he had told me earlier in our friendship, i don't think i would've hung out with him/talked to him/gotten as close to him as i did assuming he was a bioguy.

if i had known he had been born with a girl's body, that probably would have clouded my thoughts when i thought about him, so though i'm sure we would have been good friends, i might have never thought about him romantically

    I more or less see it as dating a man who currently lacks a penis, (sorry if that's offensive) but like.. what if I met a man who had had an accident, or maybe was paralyzed and his "equipment" didn't work or wasn't there.. this is no different, in my mind.  He thinks, behaves and relates to me sexually as a man. He is a man, regardless of setup.

exactly!!

i dunno. it's just like if instead of telling me he is trans, he said he got in some freak ninja throwing star fight and happened to accidently get his junk cut off. like, i can't be mad at him for not having a penis. it's not his fault. he's still the same person with or without.

[Miniar]

OK um, how do I say this? It's the male-female thing that makes us want to approach straight girls!

Well yes, but "pretty" doesn't equate "sexually compatible".

And sex, even the most vanilla of it all, is a vulnerable thing to do, for anyone.

So it seems logical to keep sex out of the interaction until you know that you can trust the person, and that you can stomach hanging out with them on a personal level.
I mean, if I can't stand sitting with you at a café for a chat because you're just the sort of person that gets heavily on my nerves I'm just not gonna want to invite you into my bed. Just not gonna happen.
And let's face it, if you're on comfortable, non-pressured terms with someone, you can actually talk about sex before you have it, and so, if you find that you aren't compatible, well then you can skip any awkward issues by going "oh well, I suppose that won't work then".

So.. Leave sex out of it until you "Know" that that's a person you'd like to have in your bed.

[FlorDeLuna]

i don't think a straight girl having the thought of "does this make me a lesbian?" is too out there... of course the answer is "no! because he's a boy!" but just having the thought even if only to shoot it down right away is i think a normal process of trying to understand one's own sexuality and getting a grip on what dating a transman really means.

I agree that it's not an "out there" thought. I think a lot of it depends on your age and previous experience. I am already pushing 30 (oh GOD!) and have varied experiences, which gave me a somewhat wider base knowledge of myself to begin to understand him and how we would relate to each other.

Honestly, we met through a personal ad, and he was very upfront with his status. Which gave me the opportunity to do a little reading, and get to know him before deciding if the relationship was going anywhere sexual. In fact, it did not start out that way, but... he's SEXY.. LOL.


Miniar-  Your advice is consistantly extremely sound.  Talking about sex before anything happens is essential, regardless of your genital set up, but even more so in this situation.  We have not actually had *sex* yet, but have messed around a bit.  I have a question relating to this, but I think it probably belongs in the "sexuality" section, but... I don't see that on my list anymore. Should I just ask it here??

[Miniar]

Sexuality got moved in under Just For Us.
It might be better to post it there.

[LightlyLuke]

I think you need 15 posts before Just for Us is accessible. But maybe I'm wrong.

[Miniar]

Luke's probably right ^^ I have a hard time remembering this stuff.

[FlorDeLuna]

I think that's the problem, I don't see it because I don't have enough posts.

But.. I addressed the issue in the other thread on this board. The "feel kind of weird asking this.." thread.  So, if you're so inclined, perhaps you could respond there.

[Alex_C]

Miniar yes me and a girl would have to get along day-to-day but what I mean is, it's the sexual attraction that makes me want to know 'em. If I had no sex drive, I'd hang out with cisguys all the time like I have all my life. Taking sex out of the picture, hangin' out talking about motorcycles, engines, beer, blowing stuff up (an eternally entertaining guy subject!) etc. is my preference.

Heck at the last FTM meeting, well, the meetings I go to are next to a tattoo parlour, which is quite the attraction for guys and while my fellow FTMS were nattering away before the meeting actually started, I went out front to ogle the Harley Sportster parked out there and shoot the bull with the guys, we were talking about, I dunno, cool stuff. Motorcycles and roads and the usual stuff with plenty of raucousness. Who knows what some of my fellow FTMs, kinda "metro" if you know what I mean, thought - that Alex was about to get beat up? LOL!

It would take a heck of a straight girl or girl in general to hold my attention, taking sex out of the equation.