Want some advice, guys

[Silver]

Well I finally posted on this board looking for some actual support. Instead of random ramblings and posting of life stories and "yeah man you do pass" posts.

Anyway, more to the point.

Well I'm trying to date a straight guy (started this back when I didn't really realize I was trans, just vaguely uncomfortable with my gender role.) And I should also mention I'm underage so I'm still under my parents' power.

Today, we spent the day with him at my place to type up an essay. At the end of this day, I offered to walk him home since I hadn't in a while and wanted some fresh air and of course he accepted, and we were off. As soon as I got home I walked in to a serious face and a "where the hell were you?" from my mother. Now naturally, I was very confused.

Well it turns out, as happens increasingly more frequently in my house that it was because "women don't do that," "you're a girl," "we just want you to do the right thing," and "you need to act more like a lady" had come back to haunt me. Apparently are relationship is pretty reversed in the gender role department and this dissatisfies and frustrates my mother deeply (who knew it was such a big deal?) She has also noticed I've become a bit more masculine lately and I think she's suspicious.

Anyway, at some point in this whole ordeal and angry talking-to I got, she said that if I was a lesbian and wanted to be a man (she thinks all lesbians want to be men) that I should just tell her, or rather that she demanded I tell her and then she would shut up about it because she would understand. If I'm not though, she promises to force me into the female role whether I like it or not because "it's the right thing to do."

Now my mother is the type to get really angry and say things she doesn't mean. This isn't a whine about hurt feelings, but I'm not sure if she's serious. Furthermore, do I need to complicate this any more? Should I come out to her? Will it work out or bury me in a hole until I can leave? I have no idea.

Having read that entire rant (hopefully, tl;dr doesn't give me solutions)

Should I just throw it out there and come out to everyone? Maybe I can get to a therapist and get treatment, and maybe not. I honestly don't know. What do you guys think about this?

[Lachlann]

Your mother seems pretty aggressive about that. Maybe you should wait, maybe at least until things calm down, see how it goes and gauge her reactions. If it doesn't improve wait until you move out.

[Miniar]

I don't know.
I haven't slept and am feeling a touch confrontational, so the only thing that comes to mind is to remind her of the women's "equal rights" movements by pointing out all the things that she does that "women don't do", in accordance to the rules of 1750 or so and put one's foot down and tell her that if she can't respect you as a human being, regardless of whether or not you're a "lesbian" OR "want to be a boy", then that is her problem and not yours.

And I'd be likely, myself, in that situation, to go "You're my mother, mother's are supposed to love their children and raise them to be the best human beings they can be, not try to force them to conform to antiquated ideals of "proper" behavior."

BUT LIKE I SAID! My advice is iffy when I haven't slept, so you might not actually want to do that... per say...
It would "probably" escalate things.

[Teknoir]

If you don't say anything, nothing will ever change.

Things can either change, or they can stay the same.... for a time (but it is inevitable that you'll have to say something some time... or you're going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do after some T shots! ).

You can't control how things change or people react. What coming out will do is a roll of the dice.

I don't really think there's a way we can soften the blow or control all the variables. Cispeople rarely "suspect" a thing regarding FTMs - no matter how many hints you think you're dropping. All they usually ever think is lesbian or feminist.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If it could cause her to core dump and you'll lose your home then there's no shame in keeping things unsaid, but not saying things is only a temporary state.

Whichever way you go, good luck.

[notyouraverageguy]

If you do decide to come out to her, make sure you have pamphlets or websites for her to read. Be ready to educate her about it, because when people don't understand (and if they don't want to listen to you explain it) they block things out and go in denial. They try to come up with excuses or other explanations, tell them no this is what you are and you know it, you're sure about it %100. Maybe even bring up the segment oprah or montel did about tgs, and show it to her... hope this helps!

[Dante]

Hmm... that's tough. Just judging by what she said to you, I would wait. She doesn't sound like the kind of person you would want to tell at this exact moment, because the way it sounds is that if you do tell her, she'll deny it and continue treating you like a girl, but now trying harder to dispel any thoughts of wanting to be a guy. I would wait a little while, at least until she calms down. You wouldn't want to tell her when she's emotional; it just screams "Bad Idea!".

...and Oprah did a segment on us!? 

[Lachlann]

Hmm... that's tough. Just judging by what she said to you, I would wait. She doesn't sound like the kind of person you would want to tell at this exact moment, because the way it sounds is that if you do tell her, she'll deny it and continue treating you like a girl, but now trying harder to dispel any thoughts of wanting to be a guy. I would wait a little while, at least until she calms down. You wouldn't want to tell her when she's emotional; it just screams "Bad Idea!".

...and Oprah did a segment on us!? 

Oprah has done several segments on us. That's how I found out what my condition was.

[Dante]

Oprah has done several segments on us. That's how I found out what my condition was.

Hmm... I'll have to look that up.

[notyouraverageguy]

Hmm... I'll have to look that up.

Oprah seems to be accepting of all... lol

[Alex_C]

Uh, she's ticked cos you took home a guy?

[Silver]

Your mother seems pretty aggressive about that. Maybe you should wait, maybe at least until things calm down, see how it goes and gauge her reactions. If it doesn't improve wait until you move out.

You know, after reading all of these posts I think I'll just do that.

I don't know.
I haven't slept and am feeling a touch confrontational, so the only thing that comes to mind is to remind her of the women's "equal rights" movements by pointing out all the things that she does that "women don't do", in accordance to the rules of 1750 or so and put one's foot down and tell her that if she can't respect you as a human being, regardless of whether or not you're a "lesbian" OR "want to be a boy", then that is her problem and not yours.

And I'd be likely, myself, in that situation, to go "You're my mother, mother's are supposed to love their children and raise them to be the best human beings they can be, not try to force them to conform to antiquated ideals of "proper" behavior."

BUT LIKE I SAID! My advice is iffy when I haven't slept, so you might not actually want to do that... per say...
It would "probably" escalate things.

I agree that I shouldn't follow this advice. Would not help.

If you do decide to come out to her, make sure you have pamphlets or websites for her to read. Be ready to educate her about it, because when people don't understand (and if they don't want to listen to you explain it) they block things out and go in denial. They try to come up with excuses or other explanations, tell them no this is what you are and you know it, you're sure about it %100. Maybe even bring up the segment oprah or montel did about tgs, and show it to her... hope this helps!

Well thanks, and I'll probably do this when I'm out of her control. She's not of this country and not too accepting of these kinds of things.

Oprah seems to be accepting of all... lol

Exactly.

Uh, she's ticked cos you took home a guy?

She was raised really traditional, the "you can't leave the house ever because your job is to wash dishes" and "women don't play soccer" kind. It's irritating, but I'm apparently lucky I can leave the house and spend time with any friends at all.

Thanks for the replies, I thought it through and maybe it isn't the best idea. She's not a rational type.

[Myself]

She is probably far more in control than you think she is, you should just tell her, and like someone said, have ready material for her to read, even though you are most likely not going to use it.

Like others said, don't do anything and nothing will change.
Your mother doesn't seem to be stupid at all and all mothers can seem really terrible at times, sometimes it's just us who think they are more terrible than they are.

You are afraid, that's acceptable, but if you want to go on with your life you have to tell her.

[jesse]

i agree with the other posters i think you should just tell er its inevitable and at least she would begin to process whats going on with you instead of the worry i know she is nw feeling
jessica

[Radar]

Hmm... I'll have to look that up.

I'd like to know more too. My step-mom is an Oprah junkie. I'll be working on a draft of the letter to my family soon and having Oprah on your side never hurts.