Want to start coming out. Possibly a very, very bad idea.

[Jester]

Hey, so lately I've been thinking more and more about coming out.  I drew up a list of people who don't know and assorted them by order, and came up with the idea that I should tell my mom first, then move onto my excessively nerdy friends (especially the girls) and deal with my best friends, a group of hard rocking old school metal guys last.  Now, I don't think my mom'll ever understand, but I sort of told my parents once in high school and it went horribly and I recloseted, but I think that even if my mom doesn't understand, she'll at least try to be understanding.  My nerd friends... well they call me The Prettiest Princess so no worries, just afeared.  I'm really concerned about my metal friends though, I keep thinking they could respond really homophobically, or their perceptions of me will change severely, or they'll be all like "Oh well you don't act like a girl" or act like they're okay with it, but stop hanging out with me... and they're my best friends and all of that would suck.

I've also got a whole huge job thing coming up where I'm applying to teach in Japan, which I've already said in another thread I know, but it bears mentioning here.  They want applicants to be "in a proper mental condition to represent Canada abroad as a diplomat," and even though Canada's quite accepting of the LGBTQ community, I have a feeling that our lofty ideals won't be so well upheld when another country's watching and judging, especially one as reserved as Japan.

I dunno.  I keep getting really depressed presenting myself as male me around my friends lately, but I've got all those personal and professional concerns, and I don't know what to do about it.  Oh, and there's no chance of going to the gay bar in full dress because a lot of people I know, even and especially the straight ones go to that bar all the time.  And yes, it's the only one.

[K8]

The coming out sounds like a good idea to me except for the job thing.  I don't know what to think about that.  (Sorry.)

I found when I started coming out that it was a huge load off of me to be able to be open with the people I liked.  You might try talking to your mother again.  My approach was to use the term transgendered and talk about my gender confusion rather than say I was transsexual (I am) or that I wanted to live as a woman full-time (I am).  Along those lines, the few times that someone asked about surgery I said that was too far in the future for me to worry about now.  I wanted to ease people into the idea.

You may find that once you talk to your mom, that you will want to talk to your nerdy friends, and so on.  My experience was that it kept getting easier until I was practically button-holing strangers on the street to tell them.  (Not quite - I do have some restraint. )

Good luck, hun.  And good luck with the job application!

- Kate

[Randi]

Hi! When I finally got the courage to come out I was in the midst of a deep depression and thought if I didn't say it I would die. Not having a game plan I made a horrible mess of things with my wife (married 20 years with a son). There are 3 other people who know but I trust them without question. Your hard rocking metal 'friends' will probably NOT understand and if this is the case be ready for much sorrow and embarrassment-in public. I wish you luck but be very careful.

Randi

[K8]

Hi! When I finally got the courage to come out I was in the midst of a deep depression and thought if I didn't say it I would die. Not having a game plan I made a horrible mess of things with my wife (married 20 years with a son). There are 3 other people who know but I trust them without question. Your hard rocking metal 'friends' will probably NOT understand and if this is the case be ready for much sorrow and embarrassment-in public. I wish you luck but be very careful.

If possible, come out when you can control the process and when you can express your "peculiarity" in positive terms.  I know that isn't always possible. 

Being TG and/or TS is a naturally-occurring condition that has been stigmatized by society.  Unfortunately, most of us have internalized that stigma.  For me, coming to terms with being TG and understanding how society had created this guilt within me for something that is natural and essentially harmless were very important steps before I started coming out to my friends.

It was important for me to plan my coming out and to do it methodically.  It worked for me, but of course, as always, YMMV.

In my limited experience, you can't really tell how people will react until you try them, but try to come out to a few people you think will be receptive before trying the more difficult ones.

- Kate

[Jester]

I'm working about coming out to a few people .  I mean... I have come out to a few people.  I just left the first city I did it in.  Forever.  I've told three people in my current town, two of them being girlfriends that I felt guilty for them not knowing.

I think I might've given the wrong impression of my metal friends.  We've had conversations like "I can't believe that nobody noticed that Rob Halford of Judas Priest was gay," followed by "yeah, and it's great because nobody cared."  We just sit around, smoke pot and play videogames most of the time.  Less of a 90s, 2000s uber macho bulls*** vibe, and more of an 80s, drop out and get high because everyone sucks vibe.  But we have this loyalty thing, and they might actually be mad about me keeping a secret like that.  Though they do sometimes have that veiled homophobia that some people have like (actual conversation)  "Look at that emo kid.  I wish I could wear my sister's jeans.  Man, he even WALKS like a chick.  That's messed up."  But that guy's got a laundry list of things wrong with him.

I'm mostly concerned with the job thing though.

Oh, and sorry for the late response.  No one responded right away, so I assumed that the thread had died before it started.

[K8]

But we have this loyalty thing, and they might actually be mad about me keeping a secret like that.

I've had several people say or imply: But why didn't you tell us?  I just said that it is a very difficult thing to work out and I've had a hard time dealing with it myself.  They all seemed to accept that.

- Kate

[lizbeth]

I think I might've given the wrong impression of my metal friends.  We've had conversations like "I can't believe that nobody noticed that Rob Halford of Judas Priest was gay," followed by "yeah, and it's great because nobody cared."  We just sit around, smoke pot and play videogames most of the time. 

first of all, good luck! coming out is always so tough to do but you feel so good after it's done.

I can totally relate to the quoted part. as someone who has done my fair share of hanging out, smoking pot and playing video games with guy friends I can share what happened with me. I have 2 of these guy friends in my circle and I told them each one by one about 2 weeks apart all together. both of them were shocked and then expressed indifference towards it. one of them had some questions and i answered it and everything was good. I didn't have to deal with too much conflict however shortly after they saw me presenting as female they stopped hanging out as much. I still see them enough but we don't hang out the same as we used to.

I've talked to one of my girl friends about this because i was kind of concerned that they haven't been calling me or stopping by much and she sorta explained it pretty well for me. for the most part, guys don't hang out with girls and so it's sort of socially awkward to hang out like that. when we are at a mutual party or there is a larger group of us together we still get along fine and we still laugh at the same things and smoke pot and play video games togheter, but the one on one relationships have pretty much stopped. so keep that in mind, just because you don't hang out with your guy friends as much as before doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't supportive or accepting of you, it's just not normal (stereotypically speaking of course) for guys and girls to hang out like that.

[Jester]

...I sort of feel like they're my only REAL friends right now... I don't wanna lose that.  They don't expect me to be a prim and proper straight edge goody two-shoes like those judgmental nerds, and they're not expecting me to achieve great things whether or not it's what I want to do like my family.

And I don't wanna lose my opportunity to go to Japan... but all I can think about lately is how I'd be open about my being transgendered.  I get dressed every opportunity I have, and then I almost feel worse than when I'm in boy mode because it's like... I know this is how I should be dressed and presenting myself all the time, but I can't because of all these reasons.  The other day this girl was organizing a fundraising event for the gay bar downtown, and I think she got the impression I was homophobic just because, y'know, I wear band t-shirts and don't watch my mouth very closely.  I felt so bad, even though I might've just been imagining her perception.
?
I dunno.  I had class at 9am today, and I got out of bed at 1pm, because, hell, why bother sometimes?

[Randi]

Hi Jester, If your hard rocking buddies really are your friends they will understand. The hard rocking buddies that I had would not understand. To tell the truth, I don't have any more real friends left-I had two and they are both deceased. I have always heard you can count the number of real friends on the fingers of one hand and I believe that. I only hope that I live long enough to find one more before my time is over. It takes a lot of 'guts' to face the things we must face, or say the things we have to say to make others understand. Hang in there with us-we all need you as much if not more than you need us and you are not alone! I am going to the doctor right now and am feeling apprehensive about telling him even though I know I have to. And don't worry too much about the girl at the bar-just make your mind up to better control your speech and you won't have those feelings of guilt about it.

Randi

[Jester]

So.....a recap.

I SHOULD tell my mother again, because now that I don't live at home she might take it a little better.  But I've never been able to tell even a single person in person.  Pathetic letters left when I went to school, MSN conversations, e-mails, friends who knew telling people (Jackass.)  I might be able to do it on the phone... but I dunno.  I hate REAL conflict so much, even if I do revel in starting petty conflicts.

My metal friends, who I call "The guys" to give an indication of our level of friendship, will probably not understand the way I want them to, even if they probably will understand on some sort of superficial level.  No matter what, my friendship with them will never be the same again if I tell them.

My career prospects for Japan will basically be screwed over if I come out come out, but I haven't even really told a close cabal of friends at this point, so that's basically counting my chickens.

I think what needs to happen is that I should tell my mom that I suffer from gender dysphoria.  I should tell her that I'm often unhappy with my gender, and even though sometimes it's alright, that other times it makes me numbingly depressed.  I should probably point out that I understand that, rationally, this is not my best choice, but emotionally I don't seem to have ANY choice.  I should probably point out that transition doesn't necessarily mean surgery, though I'm not keen on having children in the first place.

I should probably tell my friend who knows' boyfriend about my dysphoria.  There's one other person that I think would be a good idea too.  I also think that I should be more open about my being transgendered with the one or two people in my life who already know, instead of treating like a dirty little secret that we share... but it's so hard because on some level, I do feel guilty just for being transgendered.  I mean.... when I told my parents in high school, they really carried on like it was all my fault, and that I was totally inconveniencing them and ruining their lives with my petty little teenage problems until I lied myself back into the closet.  But I'm 21 now... and it went away for almost two years with the occasional need to dress, and then it came and went for about two years, and I think it might be here to stay now.

That all seemed so clear when I typed it, but now I'm thinking on all that I typed and I'm terrified.  Absolutely, mind numbingly stupefied by what lays before me...

[Alyssa M.]

No kidding. When I first came out to anyone beyond my sister and a few very close friends was literally the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done some scary things, believe me; that's why Ms. Hill graces my avatar.

Coming out to one or two trusted friends at first is a very good way to test the waters and release some of that awful burden.

[Bellaon7]

As far as any kind of career advice, do the exact opposite of me! As far as your old school Metal guys, I know ts & gay is as diffierent as night & day except that we all are fighting for our rights. But if they are truely old school Metal, you can mention that Rob Halford is as gay as the day is long, hid it from the public for the band, & can still sing the balls off anyone! 

[Jester]

Yeah, we HAVE had that conversation like a dozen times (about Rob Halford.)  It's just that a couple of them are the kind of guys who'll say they're not homophobic, and then say they'll beat up a gay guy who comes onto them.  Even though that'd pretty much never happen, and if it did, like, when a person I don't like comes onto me I just make up excuses for why this isn't happening.  I dunno.  I might be overworrying, and I might be worrying exactly enough.

[Randi]

Do you dress in girls clothes in front of them? If you do it might not come as a shock to them anyway.

Hugs,
Randi

[Jester]

No.  One of my friends has said some strange things and then looked straight at me before, but that could be all in my head.  Y'know, havin' a guilty mind. 

[Randi]

Fear can casuse us to 'see' lots of things that are not there but only you can decide in your situation. Could you wear a shirt that isn't too obviously girly and see their reaction to it? If they see a gradual shift in dress it might not matter either way. If it does make a difference, then you know where they stand in your circle of friends. I have worn girls pretty colored tops with my jeans to friends houses and they never mentioned it. Whatever you decide to do give it serious thought especially if you aren't ready to be outed in public.

Randi