I had the urge to write something today and this is what I ended up with when it was over.
A cool breeze drifted in through the window carrying with it the subtle hints of another coming winter on its wings. I found myself lost in the graceful rhythm of the thin curtains as they waltzed slowly on the air. My mind drifted to a time long ago when I first met her..........
I was very young and very innocent in the world. She came to me with the same innocence and we seemed to share all of the same interests. We spent a lot of time together often hiding from the other children who wanted to play games like "king of the mountain" or "tag". We both found these games much too rough and preferred to sit quietly with each other and watch the world from a distance. Many days we would lie on the soft grass and watch as the clouds made shapes for us. She was much better at seeing the bunnies and cute animals than I was but as time went on I began to see things as she did.
My parent's never questioned why I didn't play with the other kids that much. I purposely never told them about her because I knew they wouldn't approve. My parents' approval meant everything to me so I kept our friendship a secret. I know my father would have preferred that I played with the other boys more but I was afraid of them. I was afraid of most things to be honest. She was the only one who never made me feel that way and I loved her for it.
The years slowly ticked by and we never left each others sides. I thought this would be the case forever but, as I grew older, I had found myself with less time to spend with her. I was expected to do the things that all young boys normally want to do such as Little League Baseball. I didn't want to go, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could but I couldn't risk losing the approval of my father which I desperately craved. The sports took up most of my free time and also put me in a position where I had to interact with the other boys more. She was always around but I found myself seeing her from a distance like she and I used to see everyone else.
I was caught up in a life that I didn't want and was never comfortable with. My sub par performance in this life was often met with harsh words and criticism. I was the quintessential kid in left field who was totally inept at sports. I didn't care but the disappointment in my fathers eyes caused me to try harder. I knew what was expected of young boys and as a result I had to push her even farther away.
Despite my lack of attention to her she still came to visit occasionally and we would sneak away from suspicious eyes and spend hours talking about anything that wasn't boy related. She knew I was different, she knew everything about me. She knew things about me that even I didn't know until a lifetime later.
We shared our secret rendezvous when we could but they came further and further apart. I missed her dearly but I was also glad in a way. I was able to focus on being a "better" boy for my father and, while I never excelled at it, I was able to create a very believable façade of being normal.
I had entered my teenage years and found myself thinking of her more and more. I wanted to forget her but I couldn't. Puberty had hit with a vengeance and I was more confused than ever. She once again came into my life and tried her best to comfort me. Her intimate knowledge of how I felt should have made me feel better but instead it angered me. Her unconditional support made things worse, I just wanted her to tell me that I was a boy and that was that. Many times I focused all my anger at her and forced her away. She would leave as quietly as she came and stay away until I called her again. This continued until I turned thirteen and my father died.
I had lost my best friend and I was angry. I struck out at everyone who tried to comfort me and that included her. She knew it was time to go and she did. I had no love for anyone including myself and I was feeding on my own hate for life.
I spent the next several years drinking myself numb. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on one occasion but ended up only sleeping for two days. I wanted to die but realized that I couldn't do it on my own. I also wanted to prove that I was a man so at seventeen I joined the military. I quietly hoped that some far away conflict would put me in the line of fire and somebody else would do what I had failed to. My military career was short lived however due to an injury that ended it almost as soon as it had started and I had to find another way. I became a firefighter, then a police officer, then a bouncer, then a bounty hunter and each time I not only failed to find an end to my life but also failed in my attempts to prove my manhood to myself.
She stayed away during all of this for the most part. Occasionally she would come to visit when I was feeling my lowest although she never stayed long. She understood why I was doing what I was doing and never judged me for it.
I slowly began to realize that I couldn't change who I was. This realization brought with it a finality I wasn't willing to accept. I had reached the end and I was tired. My thoughts once again turned to suicide and for the first time in my life I was truly ready to do it myself.
It was at this time, when I had nothing left, that she came back into my life and taught me how to love myself. It wasn't easy and I tried to argue every point she made knowing full well that she was right. Once again, like learning to see the bunnies in the clouds, she showed me how to see the world from her eyes.
For the first time in my life I gave in completely. I surrendered myself to her and she took me into herself with the kind of love that only she could have.
We were finally together...I was her....and she was me.
