So I'm here again thinking. I'm getting more critical in my thinking lately and really geting down to business in making hard decisions. Some things I have noticed though, while my need to transition never ceases, it becomes stronger at certain times.
When I'm with my girlfriend, I actually act MORE feminine than in general. I just relax around her. Yesterday she actually joked that at times she was more of a man than I am. All I did was agree with her:)
When I drink, I get very passionate. I suppose this is down to what I'm already feeling and inhabitions being taken away. I relax into a state of complete acceptance and continue interacting with people happy in the back of my mind that I know exactly who I am
Then theres the not-so-nice times when I'm not with my girlfriend, not out socialising, not at the gym etc when its just life. I do imagine that this particular thought is one that goes through just about everyones mind here at some stage. What the hell am I thinking?
? What am I doing??? What? Why? Can I seriously be considering this? This is mad. How can I say this to people? They will think I've finally gone mad. I'll lose people. I'm petrified to lose my girlfriend. Can I do this to her?
? When I say this to who I deem appropriate, I can never take it back. People may more on, but something of this enormity will never be forgotten.
Something I also have been strongly thinking about. Can I pass? Do I wan to do this if I can't pass? Do I want to look like a feminine man that just doesn't quite fit? You know what I mean. I've been looking at myself a lot in the mirror lately just
trying to imagine how I'd look post transition. I look and think how eye shadow and nicer eyebrows would defo help, but after that? Can I be an average looking female? I don't wanna be gorgeous, I just wanna be normal:)
My voice too. This is really bothering me. I mean it's a huge hurdle for me. Since I was 12, my voice started to break. Earlier than anyone in my class, so I'm very afraid this would be the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. I desperatly wanna be able to sound naturally female.
I've been thinking really hard about how, when and what words I'm going to use and with what people. I honestly dont think everyone needs to know. Really. Not for a long while anyway. To me, my parents, sister and girlfriend are the only people I believe deserve to know until I go full time.
I dread the thought, that when I go to see my gender therapist on saturday for the first time, that I decide that either, I can't do this, I can't afford this, he decides that it's not suitable for me. OMG if he says something like that, I think Id curl up and die right there.
The job I'm starting on monday really pays well, but it's a position where Ill be in meetings with managers from all over Dublin daily. What ever I present as, I need to be 100%. Confident, look professional and have a voice that matches my appearance!!! I just don't know if that will be possible in my role. If I keep the job for 2 years and move on, well then so be it. I've done 6 years in college so far and I'm looking to go back to do counselling hopefully.
So there my dears. Those are my thoughts for tonight. I'm sure there's more in there, but my head isnt letting them out right now:) Be well all.
I love and respect you all. Sarah.x
