She/MeTraped Inside

[Debtv]

This is a quote from Stephanie Re: Wanting to become Stephanie    

But every time the thought came up that I might actually be a woman on the inside, born into the wrong gender (the exact phrase was "lesbian in a man's body"), I had to react the only way my ultra-conservative upbringing knew how - ignoring, dismissing, and denying that it ever happened.  I was born a guy, and that's what I was supposed to be.  For fifteen years, I struggled to keep "her" down inside me.  Sometimes it was easy and I never really felt like anything was wrong, and at other times, "she" screamed so loud that I couldn't function.  Several times I would let my thoughts wander and I would picture myself as a woman, wearing the clothes, makeup, jewelry, and everything.  Once I "caught" myself, I'd fall back on the dismissal, ignoring, and denial that I had become familiar with.  But then I'd feel very depressed about having to "go back to being a man" again.

I felt I was two seperate beings. I was a strong male interacting in the world as my male self...and the other was my inner femme self. When I was younger I realized my wish to be a girl would never really be. So I seperated my femme self off into an inner jail....and struggled to suppresse that part of myself.

So a big part of me lived in a life long self-imposed jail. A jail where I felt I had to lie, to stay alive. Never walking freely down a sidewalk, never feeling the soft summer breeze along my hose covered legs, never being able to be the pretty me. A jail where I was all alone.

A jail that seperated myself from me. I use to think of myself as either her or me. I felt I was two different genderpersons. That is the thing that hurt me the most about lving all those years in denail.

But what happened was...My femme self was as strong as I am and she fought her way out of my self-emposed jail. LOL (its hard to explaine using our two gender terms) She clawed her way to being able to have a real life. It was either she would be free..or we both would be dead. And she won...she is now free to be herself by expressing herself in an open life. Also, she will NEVER go back into that jail...no matter what.

But what has happened to me....is my two gender seperation has fadded away. I'm not Deb or Don anymore...I am Debbie Dawn. I am one person who is both genders.

I'm both genders...I feel most my life (38 yrs) my man side was %90 of me.That is many years of expreience I cannot undo...and I do have fond memorys of those years too. Now I feel I'm about %80 enfemme...and its about time too! LOL But I accept the effect of a lifetime of manlyness has enfluenced me. I can even appreiciate that %20 of manylness more now, than ever in my life.

So yes Stephanie, there is a woman inside you, screaming to get out and she is you. The reason I'm saying all this, is show that there are many paths of being a happy TG. I am happy to be both genders! To be Tg is not nessaraly an either-or choice. There are many combinations that can make us tg's happy.

Love
DebTV

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Debbie, I know that what you wrote is for the other Stephanie's benifit, but I personally think that what you wrote is too true and very insightful.  Sometimes we/I get wrapped up in my own world of problems and issues, leaving other trans issues clouded, or blurred.  It's nice to be brought back to earth, once in a while.   

Thanks for that 

Steph

[stephanie]

Thank you for that, Debbie.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like "more than one or the other."  I would hate having to put "her" back in that cell.

[Debtv]

Stephanie...I wrote this to you.

Now that 'she' is free.....never fear, she will never go back. The trick is to moderate her/yourself. Do not be in a hurry...go slow and have patience on you path. After years of being in jail...our femme self sometimes goes overboard. Give yourself time to adjust to these changes....and you might be surprised how you feel.

Love
DebTV

[Louise]

For many years I suppressed my femme side and was deep in the closet.  I have been a crossdresser for as long as I can remember and for many years wondered whether I might be TS.  I have thought of myself as "Louise" since I was in my teens.  I never told anyone else about this until I was in my 50's.  I would indulge my desires to dress en femme in private, usually wearing some of my wife's clothes.  I would always feel guilty about this and swore to myself many times that I would never wear a dress again.  Six months or a year later and the desire would become so overwhelming I would find some opportunity to dress.

About six years ago this changed.  I bought some skirts and sweaters for myself and started using my own makeup.  I told my wife about Louise and have been dressing openly at home once or twice a week.  I attended several meetings of the local TG support group (a mixed group that includes both TS and CD.  I have only gone out dressed a few times.  But Louise came out of the closet a little and she is not going back in.

Certainly I am not TS and I do not dress openly as much as Deb.  But I do share the sense that I have an inner self that is feminine and is at odds with the male personna that I present to the world.  My male side is not a false personna, but it is not all that I truly am.  Integrating Louise and my male side is something that I still need to work on more.  I am not really two selves--I am one.  Like Deb I feel that this self is neither purely male nor female. 

I think if we try to pretend not to be who we are it will only lead to frustration and unhappiness.

[Shelley]

I think you have a point Deb. It is possible to be happy with being two genders in one and embrace both sides of life.

The question is how do you engender acceptance of this in others you love and care for. I think when we can answer that one we will find more acceptance of CD's as people.

Shelley

[Debtv]

The question is how do you engender acceptance of this in others you love and care for. I think when we can answer that one we will find more acceptance of CD's as people.

Well....its is not an easy thing and it takes balls of steel. The reason is because we are breaking new ground in our culture. We tell others about ourself...and we have to teach them new terms to just begine!

For me...I dress enfemm to feel pretty.....and not to pass. So others around me see I'm not 'taking different' or 'acting' different...I'm just wearing a dress to be happy and feel pretty. This shows them I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON.

My kids see me as Papa....no mater if I'm in jeans and stetson...or a lovely maginta outfit with a matching butterfly shaw! LOL

We 1st accept ourselves, then we become proud of ourselves...as TV/CD's! Proud to be a man in a dress...proud I am more sweet, proud I am both genders. Then as you be HONEST with others they will see it as it is.....honest feelings expressed in a honest way.

Love
DeTV

[Shelley]

Hi Deb,

Good to see your post. I haven't seen one from you for a little while and was getting curious.

I must admit that it did take a little while to convince my wife that I am still the same person.

We do dress for ourselves and when we acknowledge that I think pride can follow. Hopefully one day it will be accepted like choosing a brown coat over blue.

Shelley

[gina_taylor]

Your absolutely right theer Shelly. Even when dressed where still the same person. The only chaneg is the exterior. But what really matters, so I've found is how we feel on the inside. When I am fully dressed, I find myself at peace with myself that words cannot even express. It's like a certain aura has encircled me, and I feel so much at peace with myself. That is how I feel when I become true to myself. 

Gina

[Shelley]

Yes Gina,

Its part of the self acceptance thing we have talked about. The feeling of being dressed is self confirming.

Shelley

[Miss Placed]

Catching up on the threads on these forums is an amazing experience, so much so that find I am flooding my poor head, then when I do go to reply my brain won't work and I can't find the right words, so end up not bothering. However, this one I AM going to reply to (even if I have to sit here all day!)

I can identify with a lot of comments here, especially those about locking away the female, denying her.

I always felt 'different', uncomfortable with being a man. I knew there was someone else in me, someone I was holding back, but I knew I wasn't gay, so how could there be a woman in me?! Less than two weeks ago I discovered that of course many TG are not gay at all. This was a major revelation to me, in fact it was my first obvious step.

At the moment I feel like I am two people, the male actor everyone see's and the 'me' inside whom I keep for myself. I am fairly sure now that she is female - but not 100%. (btw - I feel I contradict myself in my posts, but it's just occurred to me that I probably do this because I am confused still).

I have yet to start experimenting with dressing or speaking, but intend to do this while my parents are away (they leave today for two weeks).

I have let my female personality out a bit more in real life, and started to cherish my female online gaming persona's more for what they are (i.e. the real me).

I've stopped unconsciously correcting myself if whatever I was doing felt effeminate to me. I used to do this a lot, because I didn't want to appear 'gay'.

Therefore I feel that the two people that I am, are now growing closer, eventually they will become one. I think its called 'acceptance of who you are', and I have been in denial 

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Miss Placed

Therefore I feel that the two people that I am, are now growing closer, eventually they will become one. I think its called 'acceptance of who you are', and I have been in denial  Smiley

This is one of the first issues that you should resolve before you make any life changing decisions.  You can get a lot of insight and information here, as you have found out.  However, when those two people become one, just be ready to accept "the" one.

As you may have already found out, or realised from Susan's a  good place to start is with therapy.  We're not talking anything long term, just long enough to help you get your head around this if you need to.  You may not need it, but it doesn't hurt, providing that you have a competent therapist near by.

Just some more thoughts for you to ponder

Chat later,

Steph

[AnneW]

"Masquerading as a 'normal' person everyday can be exhausting"

Anne

[Cassandra]

Normal? There are normal people? Where? 

[Chaunte]

As you may have already found out, or realised from Susan's a  good place to start is with therapy.  We're not talking anything long term, just long enough to help you get your head around this if you need to.  You may not need it, but it doesn't hurt, providing that you have a competent therapist near by.

Hi, Miss Placed, and welcome to Susan's!

Stephanie makes a great point about talking with a professional.  I know that it is helping me understand who I am.  More importantly, it is helping me stay 'wings level' and not go off half-cocked with life-changing decisions.

I wish you discovery!

Godspeed,

Chaunte