Hi, I'm a mature male on the outside with a female spirit inside and needing (maybe) some help in going forward in life instead of waiting for my time to leave this life. I have had gender conflict all my life. I feel it has cost me a marriage. Not being interested in females as objects to have a family with but to be just friends with.
My earliest memories of this issue is when I was about 3-4 years old I found this dress, I saw it was about my size so I put it on hidden underneath my bed.
When I was about 7-8 I used to play dress-ups with mums cast-outs bag. A local girl became my friend and we used to play dress-ups as well when we were alone.
The time it really hit me is when I turned 12 ½ the feelings were that strong that it felt like I was a girl and wanted to dress like one. I kept this a secret as best I could. I got caught out having girls' underwear hidden in my private stuff. My siblings thought this was funny, mum and dad just took the clothing away in disgust I think. Despite being found out I could not control things I continued to steal clothing from my neighbours place.
We then moved and things went quiet for a while and then one day I was exploring a rubbish tip on a private farm and found cast out clothing that would fit me. I washed it when I could and then wore it in secret under my normal clothing. That continued for a while until I was found out by the other kids again. Whenever we visited family and they had girls in the family I use to get this urge to have their clothing, especially their underwear and bathers. I used to steel it and take it home.
Things went quiet again after being taken to court and being charged with stealing. I had to identify the articles of clothing as to where they came from. The whole family (including aunties, uncles and cousins then found out.)
Things went quiet again until I got a job with the local hardware merchant. This was about 17 years old. He had built a shopping complex and it had a Laundromat. When it opened I offered to clean it and take the money out and of the machines. During the day I would have to go to the bathroom and have to walk past the Laundromat. I use to sneak in and check the machines for articles of ladies clothing that I could steal. I moved out of home when I was 22. Nearly every day of the 15 years I would attempt to wear some articles of women's clothing (panties or bras) underneath my work clothes. I don't know if anyone noticed that I had the underwear on under my t-shirt but that's how I used to work some days. Other days I would go over to a building where I had the clothing and walk around with nothing but women's clothing on hoping no one would see me. I suspect they did. Going to work and putting the clothing on everyday totally consumed my thoughts and I even took the bag home to put it on when I was left alone for anytime in the house.
That happened up until the day I was sacked. I moved out of home when I was 22, During that time I had met a girl became friends and after several years married her (I was in no hurry to marry her as I felt very happy being a friend). She was the one that proposed. Anytime I was alone I use to try her lingerie on. Every time we had sex it felt uncomfortable for me because I tried to imagine that I was her on the bottom. I tried to imagine what she was feeling.
After 2 kids and losing my job and not caring to have intimacy, being told by her that I had changed and become someone else, she asked me to move out. 12 months later I was divorced.
In 1994 I moved in with another woman. We had been helping each other out and spending allot of time together. I am still with her and love her dearly, and again intimacy was uncomfortable as I preferred to be on the bottom and when we had sex I still tried to reverse the rolls in my mind and try to imagine that I was the woman. I have tried on some of her clothing when the opportunity has arisen and also worn some of her mature daughters clothing at times.
To me she is a good friend and I lover very much but I have no feelings toward getting married. She has fallen in love with my outer shell but does not know that it's not really me. Her mother has said to her that she would like to see us married before she dies.
Today I still feel the inner need to dress in the opposite genders clothing and when I see any of my partners underwear on the floor and pictures of beautiful women I get jealous that I cannot wear that or look like them.
Since exploring youtube and watching other people's stories those feelings have resurfaced. I watch one story right through to post-op and I could not stop from crying it moved me that much and it's been on my mind 24/7 since. It's starting to take physical and emotional effects. My partner is worried; I don't have regular meals and do not have regular sleep sessions as it is on my mind all the time.
Now I'm 50 I don't know what to do to be able to be happy with my inner self and keep the things that I are dear to me. I don't feel comfortable with getting testosterone boosters to keep things as they are either. These issues are totally consuming my day to day living at the moment.
I feel uncomfortable with I have read so many transitioning stories of people being completely losing everything and having absolutely no past. I have a transgendered ftm friend and he has lost everything of his past. His family has shut him out of their lives. The uncertainty of the ability of transitioning completely because of my age, society's inability to accept and possible family rejection has stopped me from taking any steps to being truly happy. I know what it is like to lose everything during the separation period and I don't want to be that lonely again. So I have kept my feelings to myself in case she feels uncomfortable with the coming out. She has let it be known that she is not gay and would not live with a mature woman as her partner. So living here would be impossible.
I don't know what to do I am so mixed up. I need a push to get going on the right track and feel comfortable again with living. At the moment I getup (if I get up) and sit in the lounge with no interest in life then when it's time to go to bed I might get there. I think there is merit in transgending maybe I will have a life again.
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