I have no idea what I'm doing.

[PaigeP]

Hello everyone,

It's my first post here, and being as such, I'm sure this is going to sound familiar but I really need to vent my feelings.

I'm a male, 22 and I live in the southeast USA. Since I was about 14 I've considered changing my sex. Unfortunately, I'm so lost and don't have the strength to pull myself to do anything about it.

The thing is, I'm very socially vulnerable and don't take rejection well. I love my parents deeply but I don't want to hurt them by coming about about it. The funny thing is I know they would "support" me, but I think they'd be... well hurt for some reason. I also fear my friends reaction, I know some of my friends would be here for me (as a few have said) but I know a few who would never speak to me again. I understand that they are not very open minded people but I can understand their motivations as well, so I'm not really mad about it.

I also fear my career. I'll be finishing graduate school soon and I have a LOT of really good opportunities. I realize that there are laws against... well prejudice but we all know these sort of things happen anyway.

The crossroads is that I think about it every single day and I know I should do something about it. I don't know why and it really hurts me to feel like... just I should be doing something about it. I know I wish I had come out about it when I was young but ... well I'm left with the present.

I feel like I know all the steps and I've done research but I still feel like there is this barrier keeping me from doing anything.

Can anyone relate?

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Paige,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

First and foremost find a good gender therapist.  Then you can forumlate a plan to come to face and accept your true self.

Blessed Be.
Janet

[justme19]

I can relate a fair bit, im abit yonger though. But i know the felling your having!

Just think about this.....
You only live once, live your life how you want to live it!

The people who don't except you, well that don't deserve to be your friends! As parents, if you think they will except you, thats good. I know that felling of you don't want to hurt them, but to be honest..... they probs alrdy have some idea. I mean you have grown up with them, they usually know you better then anybody could.

Good luck! 

[PaigeP]

I've heard the best first step is a therapist... Does anyone have a good way to find one? I'm in SC so there aren't a lot of resources here.

[V M]

Welcome to Susan's Paige 

I had many of the same thoughts and feelings at your age.

I was too afraid to do anything much about it. This lead to a very sad, lonely and disappointing life for me

In my mid forties I decided I couldn't handle it anymore. Tried to kill myself...again

After a couple years of court ordered therapy and a couple more years of therapy by my own choice and finding Susan's and the fine folks here about a year ago, I'm starting to feel confident.

Now I'm 48. Just started HRT last month.

You've come to the right place

[Janet_Girl]

There is one that is online.  PM Nero, he would know who and how to get a hold of him.


Janet

[PaigeP]

There is one that is online.  PM Nero, he would know who and how to get a hold of him.

Hmm, it seems it won't let me look it profiles yet... I found Nero but I don't know how to send a message.

After a couple years of court ordered therapy and a couple more years of therapy by my own choice and finding Susan's and the fine folks here about a year ago, I'm starting to feel confident.

I'm kind of terrified of therapy myself. I did it for a short period when I was a kid, but I get uncomfortable. (separate reasons)

[Janet_Girl]

I found it.  www.gendertherapist.com/  Several have used him and he comes highly recommended.


Janet

[jesse]

i am using this therapist currently he is very good and cost effective as well
jessica

[Naturally Blonde]

I can see my own beginnings in your post Paige..

[K8]

Welcome to Susan's, Paige.  Your feelings are very normal.  As the others have said, the first step is to find someone who can help you sort out your feelings and needs.

I can relate to what you are saying, just as many here at Susan's can.  Most of us have come against that barrier you feel.  It is fear of the unknown.  But if you can work your way through things it won't be like stepping off a cliff but more like tentative, short steps along a difficult path.  The path ends in self-fulfilment and being comfortable with yourself, but at this point you don't know what that will look like - and that's scary.

I know I wish I had come out about it when I was young but ... well I'm left with the present.

Ouch.  This hurt.   I'm three times your age and finally got the guts to start my journey this year.  There's no hurry, but don't wait as long as I did.

Good luck, Paige.  Get some help.  You'll be glad you did.

- Kate

[PaigeP]

Ouch.  This hurt.   I'm three times your age and finally got the guts to start my journey this year.  There's no hurry, but don't wait as long as I did.

Oh no! I didn't mean it.. that way. I meant, there are things that can be done during/before puberty to make it easier. I'm past that (as are many many here) so oh well!

Thank everyone for their replies... it really helps to know there are friends.

[gothique11]

I can relate. It can be very hard to make that first step. A therapist is a first good step.

[K8]

Oh no! I didn't mean it.. that way. I meant, there are things that can be done during/before puberty to make it easier. I'm past that (as are many many here) so oh well!

Paige, dear, I hope you realized I was just teasing you about the age thing.  Yes, there are things that will work better physically before puberty, but very few of us have the opportunity to address the issues then.  And very few are mature enough emotionally to do it then.

No regrets.  Do it at your own pace.  Don't rush.  And if it really is what you want and need, do it when you are ready.

*hugs*
Kate

[cynthialee]

What K8 said. . .Listen well she is wise.

[Debra]

Hey Paige

I think a lot of us can relate to what you're going thru. I hope you can get to the first step, therapy...it's a hard step to take but it's very much needed IMHO.

To find my therapist I actually started at the end....the surgeons that do SRS seem to keep a list of therapists so it might be good to be referred by them.

[Jester]

I think I've posted almost that exact same post as you before Paige.  We're in the same boat, you and I.