Hello, you can call me Sam. This is my first post here. I felt the need to find a community of people I can lean on, because times are harder now than ever before. I'd like to give a back story to give you an idea of where I'm at now.
Up to the age of 8 I lived in upstate New York. I started school at the age of 5. Throughout all of my younger years, I was always a girl. I always wanted to dress in girl's clothing, play with girl's toys, and play with my friend's full size princess Barbie with her. I never understood why I wasn't allowed to dress in girl's clothes.
At 8 I moved to Florida with my family. Repression of my true self by both my family and myself caused me to become closed off and angry. I lashed out at everyone. In private I dressed up, and it made me very happy. My parent's and I joined a church around the age of 11 or 12. There I learned why I was so very wrong; because, "I was going to go to hell!" I purged everything, though the feelings never went away. And I was never completely without my girl's clothes.
When I hit puberty around late 12 or early 13, I discovered I was attracted to boys. I was confused. I locked those feelings up, because of my religious views. I tried to act more "manly", looking to male role models, trying to act like them. I tried to pursue relationships with girls in my church, but they never met with any type of success.
I became angry again. I lashed out some more. My parent's put me into a Christian Teenage Help Center for a year. My counselor there asked if I was gay. I told him, "no!" After a few months there, counselors got switched, I had a new counselor, and it was a woman. She was very kind. She asked me if I was gay. I still said no.
I had no idea why people were asking me if I was gay. I thought I was doing a really good job of hiding everything.
When I finally got out of the Christian Center, I went back with my family. I stopped lashing out as much, I learned to control my anger a little better. Though, I was still closed off and distanced from the way I truly felt.
It seemed like clockwork, once a year my mother would ask me if I was gay. She said it's because of many things. I've never had a meaningful relationship with a girl; I always had an easier time being with boys. And some of my behaviors "made her wonder".
My brother's girlfriends asked me if I was gay. It was so frustrating; I had no idea why people kept asking me.
This went on all the way until about 17. I did some research, studying and I learned a little bit more about the church and the God I was worshiping. I distanced myself from the church; however I was STILL closed off from myself.
By this point, I had told myself and everyone that I was straight so much, that I had myself completely convinced. I had nearly forgotten everything.
This ignorance was short lived. Because around the age of 21 the feelings started to trinkle back and memories that were blocked off started to arise. At the age of 24, I had a break down. I almost killed myself. The pain of my 2 persons fighting against each other was agonizing. It was tearing me apart.
After a very, very long night of coping and accepting, I came to terms with who I am. I am no longer wearing a personal mask. I am no longer trying to act like a guy to hide everything. I came out to my family. I told them that I am attracted to men; my Mother was like "HAH, I TOLD YOU SO!" it was actually sort of funny. Then I told them that I am not gay. This confused them, and then I proceeded to explain to them that I am transsexual. They have accepted me, and support me entirely.
I recently moved away from my family, I am 2000 miles away to be exact. I moved away for some work, and I am doing some work with some friends, who just happen to be my business partners. Things are going smoothly. However, they have no idea of who I really am.
I can tell they look at my funny at times, and I know that behind closed doors they probably ask each other if I am gay. I don't think I am quite ready to tell them that I am transsexual; it might be too much for them to handle. However, I could tell them that I am gay, even though that isn't entirely accurate. If they perceive me as a guy, and I like other guys, I can just tell them I'm gay to simplify things.
When I become more financially secure, I may tell them about my gender identity.
I thought moving out here and distancing myself (temporarily) from my family would give me much needed privacy and freedom to fully explore my feelings. While this is true and I do have more freedom, I find it is actually harder to deal with because of this added privacy. I tend to think on it more, and ponder it more deeply.
I always deal with depression in some form or severity, because until I fully blossom into who I am meant to be, I will always hate who I am. However, the depression this past week was overwhelming. I realized that I am not making much progress and that I am not even being honest with my friends here. Some thoughts of suicide actually came to mind. I just sort of cried in a corner all night.
I was chatting with a friend over the computer. I think he sensed something was wrong. He got worried when I suddenly went offline and texted me like crazy. It's nice to have good friends. So I am not so worried about telling him. I will probably do it over Thanksgiving, since none of us are going home to our family.
Any ideas on how I can soften the blow? I don't want to get shunned, I don't want them to treat me any differently, I don't want them to be uncomfortable around me. I'm sure the other girls will have no problem with me, but it's the guys I'm worried about.
I could rant all day; but I'll wrap this up here.
