Courage, Patience, or Exhaustion

[jillblum]

Started transition in March...Stopped in August. Money issues (translation: guilt over spending so much on myself) prompted my stopping. At first it was kind of a relief. I didn't "have to" worry about passing or the mixed bag of possible surgical outcomes etc... Soon it brought other things to the surface. When I came out to my partner it was easy. I realized though that I had quickly begun toning down my level of self acceptance for fear that it would upset her. I felt so lucky to be accepted by her I didn't want to push it. That was a mistake. Now just like my favorite ballet flats I'm back in that lonely closet. I'm looking for the courage, patience or exhaustion to come out for good.

[helenr13]

Girl, I hear you. It's never going to be that easy 
- OMG I sound so negative. Good luck to you and I truly hope you will get there in the end 
Helen

[Janet_Girl]

Self acceptance  first wall.
Acceptance of loved ones. second wall
Stepping out the door permently third wall

Get hitting the wall over and over again.

To Paraphrase Mr. Regan "Jill Tear down this wall"

You can do it and you will Sugar.



Janet

[jillblum]

Missed my girls. Thanks for the TLC.

I never thought I'd see the day a Reagan quote would have a positive impact on my personal life. 

[K8]

I never thought I'd see the day a Reagan quote would have a positive impact on my personal life. 

+1

Sometimes we have to try things more than once to succeed.  We do this when we are ready.  And I've found that most of the barriers I've hit have been ones I erected myself.  That doesn't make them any less real, though.

Good luck, and happy traveling when you're ready to burst out of the closet again.

- Kate

[jillblum]

Thanks Kate! I think I'm getting closer girl. I do believe the walls I've got around me look a little like my own work.
Reconnecting with Susan's is my first step at the second go round. I'm a lot more afraid than I let myself believe initially. I think I was caught off guard by how many new things terrified me.

Oh well, Jill wasn't built in a day!

[K8]

I tried to transition back in the 80s but wasn't ready and didn't get very far.  When I started this time, I'm like: How hard can it be?

Well, it's very hard, even if you have everything going for you.  I used to liken it to building a house.  You don't just throw everything up at once and hope it stands.  You lay a foundation and then carefully add to it a bit at a time.

Good luck on your building project, Jill.  There's no timetable or deadline.  Do each step when you are ready.  This is something you are doing.  Control the process as best you can.  And some day the marvelous Jill will be evident to all the world.

- Kate

[Pippa]

All three.   Transition takes a great deal of courage.   Holding out for nearly twenty years before finally deciding to transition takes patience.   Not expecting miracles takes patience and the exhaustion of trying to lead two lives takes its toll.

[V M]

I often feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the various obstacles. Finances etc.

But then there I am right back at it again. Trying different outfits and makeups. Deciding what should be the next step of progress

Having a site like Susan's and some friends helps allot. Reminds me I am not alone 

Be patient and take courage.....Even when you feel exhausted

{{{HUGS}}}