I'm feeling a little bit in limbo at the moment.

[Macha]

Hello to you all, I just registered I don't know where to put this topic in Trans-gender or onto Cross dresser topic it sort've concerns both, I just wanted to tell my story and explain the predicament I'm in. So here it goes.....

Iam a hetro/bisexual (Ill explain later) male in my early 20's. I cross-dressed since I was about 7 years old for erotic purposes and that pretty much continued till I was 16 when I had a bit of a mental breakdown. The breakdown made me re-examine the unresolved issues i had with cross-dressing and my sexuality. After much thought the conclusion I came to was that I was inappropriately touched by a doctor and subsequently had a very physically painful circumcision when I was seven years of age. I can still vividly remember the lead-up to the operation and the aftermath to this day. All of this made me feel emotionally numb. I felt as though the whole experience left me feeling off balance with regards to my sexuality. Bit of a mind-f**k really! I felt I kind'ive lost a bit of my masculinity in some ways....

I started a voyage of self discovery spiritually and sexually after my break-down. I said earlier that I'm a hetro/bisexual what I mean by that is that I'm for the most part attracted to women and sexually attracted to trans-gender people of the male to female kind. I'm quite happy to be a man. Its not like I don't like my genitalia or feel like they're not mine; After about a year (when I was 17.) when i started occasionally cross-dressed again. Its just that I don't really know what to think of about my cross-dressing. Do I want to be a female? I'm happy enough so no not really. Its left me confused and just all over the shop. I feel like the china-shop after the bull has left.

I'm a bit worried that if I meet a hetro-sexual woman Iam attracted to i'll mess it up somehow I'll say something I shouldn't and just make a bollocks of it. I have never been in a relationship with anybody. God I've never even kissed anybody for more than 5 seconds. So I just wished that I could calm down. But the uncertainty never seems to go away. I treat the cross-dressing as an outlet for all my sexual and emotional frustration. I'm growing tired of it all. I don't have much inner peace...

P.S. i don't blame the doctor for doing his job, Its just I felt a bit uncomfortable and its hard to make those feelings go away, I hope people can understand that.

[Kurzar]

Dear god why would someone do that to their 7yr old?!  It's bad enough they do it to infants, but to me after infancy it's a decision that should be left to the child to make at a later age.  My best recommendation would be to talk to some sort of councellor who specializes in sexual areas?

It sounds like you need an outlet to talk to about issues you are unsure about. We can help to some extent, but I think professional help would be best. By all means stay and talk to us for as long as you need, but I'd still seek some sort of councelling to help you put everything into perspective.

[Macha]

Yaah I suppose I should talk to a counselor but the problem is I don't know if there is one that specializes on sexual matters in my area.

It doesn't bother me that much but sometimes it hits me or it just feel awkward around people. I remember one time I trying to chatting to a girl I liked and somehow she asked me in suggestive way: Do you like woman's lingerie? My throat sized up and I couldn't spit out any words just ah ah aaa. Now that I look back on its a fairly funny story, but you just think ->-bleeped-<- in your head.

[Kurzar]

Sometimes the hard part is finding the right counsellor.  Maybe just try finding any counsellor and then narrow it down from there. They might have some resources for you in finding one more specialized, if you feel you need that.

[Macha]

Ya i've been to counsellors before and i always talk the point gets lost. And then a month after then the same issues keep cropping up. i'm going to have to try hard next time i'm with one not to stray off point. I've a tendency to say everything is grand when it's not really that great. Thanks for the advice though 

[Sarah_Faith]

Ah Macha, how you sound like me.

As far as saying your grand when your not, I used to do that until I found a therapist that specialises in gender issues. I remember 5 years ago I took too much ecstacy, tipped myself into an episode of extreme depression and dissacociation. Worst episode of my life.

My point is, I had to see a psychiatrist then just to get my head back in shape. After a few months, I thought I should ask him about gender dysphoria, as That was the main thing on my mine. The reaction I got was mainly dismissive, Acknowledging me, but in a way that he was doing his job without ruining his reputation. My point really is, he was a mental health professional that  was ready to dismiss my feelings in a heartbeat. My current person, who I have only seen once, is amazing.

The internet is your best friend really. imo.

[Dianna]

Welcome Macha, you may just find someone here with similar problems to yourself, good luck.

I would have to agree definitely with Kurzar, you need to see a professional counsellor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Whilst it's easy for many of us to discuss these problems on the internet, one must remember it's not RL.